A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This girl and I first met a couple of years ago, casually hanged out a couple of times, then went back to our own countries on the opposite sides of the world. A few months later, we briefly met one more time when I travelled to her country; we had a great time checking out art galleries followed by a beautiful alfresco dinner. After that, we somehow lost touch, until sometime in August 2019, at which we started texting almost every day with occasional scheduled calls, for a few months. At that point, I started growing feeling for her and given the vast distance between us, I did a few things to show her how I felt, such as sending her a gift on her birthday, which she thought was thoughtful and loved. I was honest about how I thought she was special.I travelled again to her place for vacation at the end of last year; we went out a few times for dinner, shows, which both of us planned weeks ahead. During that week, I made a few gestures to show her how I felt -- special gifts with handwritten notes, flowers and of course picked up the tabs. She told me she had a lovely time and asked me to visit often. We were planning to meet again after the new year, and I wanted to use that time to outright tell her how I feel and if she wanted to pursue a relationship.After returning home, we still texted. I tried to keep the sparks alive, such as by sending a bouquet of flowers to her office (which as usual, she said she loved). However, after the new year, things started changing. She came back from a trip with her parents and suddenly, her schedule had turned busy with work, and she started responding less. I didn’t have any reason to believe that she didn’t want to speak with me – everything was going well just before that. After a couple of weeks, I somehow managed to hear back. She said she’d been hectic so wasn’t able to keep texting anymore. I was taken aback and decided to tell her how I felt. She then said she just wanted to be friends and that she didn't want me to waste my effort/time.I was just wondering what exactly happened. To be honest, it was a tricky situation anyway, with us having limited "real life" interaction (a total of less than 20 hours irl) beyond texts and calls, and that there's no chance of us moving closer to each other in the next two years at least. However, I was thinking: a) If she didn't feel anything all along, why didn't she fade much earlier instead of being always receptive of my advances, b) If she felt something at the beginning but changed her mind, why wouldn't she explain anything to me? or c) I've a feeling that there's something else that had happened in her life that caused her to withdraw. Any insights, based on your experience, would be appreciated!Tl;dr Faded and rejected by a long-distance love interest after months of texting and going out a few times. Wondering where I messed up.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2020):
 OP, thanks for the clarification!
It still doesn't make much of a difference. You wanted more than she did, it happens.
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you find out it didn't pan out. That, also happens.
Looking for the silver lining here, NOW you know where you stand and maybe now you can move forward and look WAYYYY closer to home for a potential partner.
A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (22 May 2020):
 Sorry but this was not a relationship it was a casual quick thing at most. Both wanted different things, but wanted different types of people, but looked at things in a different way. She was the sensible one. She gets you to travel to her. Saving her lots of time and money. You make all of the effort. She just sits back and enjoys. In the meantime she will have lots of other men online offering her romance and she can pick and choose from lots of men who live nearer to her and are more her type. You were not engaged or married or in love so of course she will drop you and move on when it suits her. That is, unfortunately, how life works.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2020): OP, I believe that you were pretty much just put into the friend zone. It sounds like you traveled half way around the world, for a girl who never gave you the go ahead to romance. I also think that she met someone else, which caused her, to give you the stop sign! I believe that she enjoyed you friendship to begin with, but friend, when you have true romantic feelings for a lady, you have to let them know, and not wait around! That being said, if you had gotten into a LDR with her, it could not have worked out. LDR never last! Either one of you must moven to be together, or the two of you begin drifting apart. Nothing ever stays the same. Even a marriage is constant work, to build it stronger, or the couple begins to drift apart, and love fades. Just move on Friend, and stick to dating women who live close enough to physically be together, at least three days per week. Best wishes Friend!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 May 2020):
Hello again. It is probably also very lonely for you trying to make something happen, that might never do so.
And two years is a long time to be hanging in there, hoping for something more.
It could also be this loneliness you feel, that is what's behind your feelings of wanting to make it into a happily ever after future, together.
So you don't feel like you are wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (22 May 2020):
Hi there. I suspect that she definitely liked you as a friend, but in the back of her mind and over time, she could see that with the distance between you both, it would be unsustainable for any length of time.
Two people when they meet, really do need to be able to SEE each other in person, to really get to know what makes a person tick.
Even though it seems you both shared some common interests, which is great, the real obstacle to making it develop into something more meaningful, is to be regularly seeing each other - at least a couple of days per week.
And unfortunately, with the distance between you both, that was virtually impossible.
And although you did manage to meet up a few times, it just wasn't enough to make it all work out in the long run.
And so sadly, it can become very tedious and rather challenging to try and make it forcibly happen.
And inevitably, real life steps in - for each of you - and things and situations happen, that prevent being able to make even tentative plans all come together.
Unfortunately, you may have read more into your happy times together, than she did.
The wisest thing you can do now, is the remember the few nice times you had together, but take this to be a good powerful life lesson.
I wish you well in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2020): You have a "vacation- romance," not an LDR. When you travel to exotic or romantic vacation-spots around the world, and you happen to meet someone; the connection is based on fantasy, and tends to create euphoria. You go-out, do romantic things, and you return to your respective lives; when vacation is over.
The reality has obviously set-in for her. You're still up on cloud-9, in a fantasy-romance.
Not everyone is cut-out for putting their feelings and hormones on-hold for months at a time; when there is no actually established-relationship. You have a nice romance when you're together; but it's far from being a relationship. People these days call sleeping together and maintaining social media contact a relationship. Call it whatever you want, but I argue that it isn't. Real relationships need nurturing through one-on-one contact. Feelings are attached and emotions connect when people are in close-proximity. Humans need intimacy and affection. Closeness.
You have a romantic-contact across the globe; but she is not willing to wait for you. Lovely romantic-gestures will maintain a connection of sort; but it is not even an LDR; if you've never officially-committed to each other. Even if you have, distance makes it strained; and limited to conducting a love-connection between devices. On top of the fact you need passports to travel back and forth. You're caught-up in the fantasy and idea of it all. The novelty hasn't yet warn-off, because you renew it every few months or so. At least it hasn't for you.
I think she is over the fantasy; and it is time you take that wonderful sense of romance you have, and share it with someone closer. Allow her to be free to find someone she can see anytime; and enjoy a relationship using all her five-senses. You're both young, and you deserve to have fulfilling-relationships that connect both physically and emotionally; while being able to nurture it with the benefits of spending loving and affectionate time together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there! OP here, apologies for the misunderstanding. I've never meant to refer to our relationship with "LDR". Think there might have been a misunderstanding as I was writing this post! I totally understand that it wasn't a relationship, but a love interest from my end.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2020):
I think THIS is what happens when you leave things unspoken. You "hinted" with flowers and gifts. But really those are no real hints. They are just showing consideration and generosity.
YOU presumed you had an LDR, when it was never agreed upon or spoken about. In your mind you build this relationship with this girl who happens to also live half a world away. you were wooing her, but she thought you were just being nice. Because SHE really doesn't know you and you really don't know her.
In her mind, you were this really nice and cool guy that she had meet in person a couple of times, hung out with and generally felt she had formed a friendship with.
I think IF you had TOLD her you were interested in MORE than friends earlier on, this could have been avoided. But you didn't so now you sit and feel like you got rejected.
People get caught up in connecting over tech. It feels like you get to know the other person. It feels like you are bonding but you don't REALLY get to know the other person to the same degree over text as you would in person. All in all you have spend about 20h (not even 2 days) with this girl. And if you are being critical about what you texted about... it probably doesn't amount to all that much getting to know YOU and more to chit-chat and general small talk.
It can also be that she WAS aware that you carried a torch for her and that she enjoyed it, but she then she met someone in "REAL LIFE" and she thought it was a better match for her. Someone who lives closer and that she can spend more time with.
It can also be that she started to pull back because someone suggested you wanted more and she realized that she didn't. So instead of saying;" hey I think you might have feelings for me that are romantic and I don't, so let's just be friends" She pulled away and waited to see if that was the case or not. Not because she is malicious but more likely because she wasn't sure herself, and didn't want to seem like she thought so highly of herself that dude would just fall for her left and right.
My advice? ACCEPT that she doesn't want to date a guy who lives that far away. ACCEPT that all she CAN offer YOU is friendship. If you want more, then wish her well and cut the contact.
And NEXT time, look for a girl to date whom you can spend time with in person on a day to day basis. LDR's rarely work out. And when they do there is a LOT of planning involved, a lot of discussion about it and making choices and compromises. But that NEEDS a solid foundation that isn't build on "hints" and hopes alone.
It's OK, OP it happens that we hope something will work out and then it doesn't. When it doesn't, you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2020): I think she really enjoyed your company and saw you as a friend, but when you started to 'woo' her, she needed to back off. Maybe she didn't do this right away because it's really difficult to stop a friendship with someone you really like, because the other person has caught feelings. It's a difficult decision to make. She also maybe entertained the possibility that the gifts etc were born of friendship rather than an attempt at a relationship.
I'm intrigued by your sentence, 'I somehow managed to hear back.' What does that mean?
It sounds to me as if you had maybe been pursuing her too much and contacting her a lot? Perhaps this made her aware of your intentions, which she doesn't share.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (21 May 2020):
I suspect the something else that happened in her life was a "someone else" so she's had to sideline you. LDRs are difficult enough if you already have a steady relationship to build on but usually pointless if that is all you have. You were a pleasant distraction while she had no other potential boyfriends. You need to let it go and move on. You sound like a nice guy who treats women well. Find one nearer home who will appreciate you.
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