A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been together with a guy for two years. We live together and for the most part, things are fine. We come from different cultures and are quite different as people, but we get on well in many respects. I'm happy enough with him but he doesn't exactly give me butterflies in the stomach. I am 27 and he is 12 years older than me and very established in his career. He earns good money and works hard. I am studying hard, hoping to go to law school next year, so I feel like I am just starting out in life. The thing is, he is in his late 30s and wants to get married and start a family, and I am very torn about this. On the one hand, I don't feel like I'm ready, but at the same time I had always envisaged myself as quite a young mother, and people I've spoken to have pointed out that there's never really a "right" time for such a life-changing step. I feel stuck and don't know what to do. If I stay with him and have children with him, I will be tied to him for the rest of my life. If I decide not to, then I have to walk away from him because it's not fair on him to stay when I have no intention of having children yet. I need to let him go and give him a chance to have children with someone who wants the same now. Has anyone got any advice for me? I would love to hear from someone who has been in this kind of situation. What did you decide to do? Was it a good choice?Thanks a lot for your help.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I never said it was necessary, but you might be with this man for several years yet and you don't want to have kids RIGHT AFTER meeting someone new. It's not a bad idea to do it now, it's MERELY A SUGGESTION, so everyone calm down, please.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 May 2013):
32 is when the risk of complications and birth defects start going up relatively quickly. That doesn't mean you can't have babies after that. Here in Seattle, people are having kids later and later.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I'm 27 too, and don't have children yet. I probably wont start seriously thinking about it for another 2-3 years even. So freezing eggs? No, not necessary. After 35 years of age, that's when you need to be getting concerned, and the "clock" is actually starting to tick. I spoke to my aunt who is a midwife about this. In fact I asked all her colleagues once during lunch break. They all agreed, the best time for a woman to have children is BETWEEN 25-35. Before that the body isn't really ready. And after, the quality of the eggs decrease, increasing chances of Downs-syndrome and other defects.
That's after 35 years of age. That's 8 years from now.
But the way I think about it is that I already love my unborn children. I want to give them a good childhood, a great father. For them to have two loving parents who are together. Not to grow up without knowing their dad, or in a home with fighting and screaming. If I can't find the right man to have children with, then so be it. I'm not gonna have children just for the sake of having children, to me that's selfish. There are tons of children who need foster parents, or who can be adopted, if I'm not going to give birth to a child myself.
If he's not the right man for you, then he's not the right father for your children. That's my take on it anyways. If you are desperate to have a child you can always do what sooo many other women do: just have a one night stand without protection. It is very easy to get pregnant, if the father doesn't matter that much to you. It's all about what you value in this case: to have children NOW, or to have the best father for your children.
You're not ready for children now, and you know he's not the right father for your children. So from where I see your dilemma, the decision has already been made. You're just seeking confirmation that you are doing the right thing. I think you are basing your decision on the right reasons. But no matter what, you're the one who lives your life. You need to do what is right for YOU. You alone. Not what is right for him, or for me, or for your friends, or your family... You need to do what is right for you. You only live once, and you can't live it just doing what others expect of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh wow, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. You have all pretty much said what I knew deep down but have been afraid to admit - that this guy is not right for me and having a child with him would be a big mistake. I know that 27 is not young to have a baby, and I have plenty of friends my age and younger who have children, but some of you are making it sound like I'm getting old to have them. Does a woman really have to think about freezing eggs when she's 27? It's not at the top of my list of priorities in life, although I would like to have children, but I don't want my life to become a desperate race against time.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (23 May 2013):
Who you decide to have children with is without close second the single most important decision in your life, which is why Im consistently so flabbergasted why so many take such a cavalier view of it.If you are not 1000% sure, dont. Its not a decision you can ever reverse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I just read the question header. The way the question was phrased there was no reason to read any further.
You do not have children unless you are certain. All too many do and we see how it ends up.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (23 May 2013):
You don't really sound all that into him. Don't have kids with him, even to make him happy. You'd be making a huge mistake. This relationship is in it's last legs, you're probably going to end it with him soon...and really, that'd be the best option for you both. There's no need in staying with a man you don't really love that much, if you end it soon, you can both get on with your lives and look for different partners that make you happy.When it comes to the "right" time...You're already at the age where it would be good for you to have kids like NOW. As you age, the quality of your eggs goes downhill -fast-, and having children in the future will mean difficulty getting pregnant in the first place along with higher chances of birth defects because of "aged" eggs.If you can afford it, look into freezing your eggs.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2013):
 You've put so many qualifiers into your post that it's clear this relationship is in its final stages.
I have been together with a guy for two years. We live together and for the *most* part, things are *fine*. We come from different cultures and are *quite different* as people, but we *get on well in many respects*. I'm *happy enough* with him but *he doesn't exactly give me butterflies* in the stomach.
Just because you've been with him for two years does not sentence you to a life of unwanted motherhood.
It's time to move out, give him a chance to hurry up and meet someone. Which, by the way, is not your burden. If he's been hanging out on this planet for 40 years and all of a sudden it's 'hurry up have my baby or my life will be incomplete,' well, what has he been doing for the past 20 years? He chose his own timing, that's not your responsibility.
Do not marry him or have a child with him. You are not ready.
You feel stuck because you are with the wrong man for you. Easy enough to fix, hard to go through but you'll be free to meet the guy who knocks your socks off and leaves no doubt in your mind, no dismissive qualifiers in your description of him.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Hi
Your 27, that's not 20. You haven't started your career, taking Law will mean years of study ahead too, so when DO you want children, if at all?
Also, more importantly, you don't sound head over heels in love with this guy, you just sound comfortable and temporary.
You can't see yourself growing old together and want to follow your dream, then let him go find somebody who wants what he does and loves him back - sooner rather than later.
It's best for both of you to split now and before a child is bought into the mix.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): You can't make your decision based on how it turned out for someone else; because each relationship and the personalities involved are different. Fate has her own plan for the decisions you make. The outcome of another person's life decision, may not yield the same results for you.A woman who does not want children should not force herself into motherhood, and harbor a hidden resentment that she sacrificed her wishes to please her husband or partner. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. Most importantly, the children. They want to know that they were considered a gift, not the result of their mother's self-sacrifice to their father. You don't have to plan your future around the man you are with for the present; but at some point he should know that marriage is not in the foreseeable future. You just don't want him to be the first to let go. That may be an inconvenience at this time?I know you may be inclined to be selfish and keep him. Hoping at some point in your life you may change your position. Maybe you will someday; but until that time, you have to be true to yourself and to your partner. Motherhood and matrimony should not be left to the chance you'll adjust to the idea once it happens. It should be a clear and conscious decision; and given time to evolve intoa welcomed reality.He may want several children and you may not be emotionally equipped to handle one. Then what?You may wake up someday, and decide, "this is truly not the man I really wanted to marry." Then what? Don't place his life on hold for your personal convenience. Weigh the pros and cons on nothing but the two of you, and how it will affect your lives. Not how it may have turned out for someone else. You may not know the future, but you have the power to set things in motion. Feel no guilt in your decision. Your happiness is in your hands, and it is solely your responsibility. Other people can bring you happiness; but they are not responsible for trying to live up to your expectations. Nor you to theirs.If he didn't bring butterflies to your stomach at the beginning of your relationship; he probably never will.I dare say, he may have arrived at a convenient moment in your life, and may simply satisfy your needs for now. He can offer you financial stability and comfort; while you are attending school, pursuing your career, and planning your future. Which, by the way, may not include him.I think you should be honest, and not allow him to start planning a future for you together; forgoing all other possible options. Only to be dumped at the point you've reached your personal goals. Sorry to say, that is what I gather from your post. You don't want to let go of a comfy situation; but you find it hard to envision being with him for the rest of your life.Then he should be told that you are not ready, and would hope that he would slow down a little to see how things will turn out. Marriage and children have not yet factored into your plans for the near future. He may be falling in love, and nothing is worse than being strung along. I say this in his defense.This is not just about you. This involves another person's heart and future. You both deserve to have what you want.No one should be sacrificing anything; when there is someone out there for each of you, ready to offer and share those things that you both look forward to.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 May 2013):
No, I don't think anyone should ever get married under the circumstances you described. I'd let him go find someone who's into him a little more and do the same for yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2013):
"I'm happy enough with him but he doesn't exactly give me butterflies in the stomach."
It is natural that the excitement decrease after two years together. But when the infatuation disappear, you will find love underneath it. And that love makes you happy and feel great. If you aren't feeling that love.. then he's not the man for you. If you couldn't care less whether he's there or not, then he's not for you.
You should marry the man you can't imagine not having in your life. If you couldn't care less whether he's there or not, and only find him tolerable and accept his presence, then it's not a relationship suited for marriage. Unless you're content with this for the rest of your life.
But it could be you do love him, and do care whether he's there or not, but that you miss the infatuation. The rush. The butterflies. Well, they can come and go. Love fluctuates too, at times it is higher, at times it is lower. If you're at a low right now, doesn't mean it's not a good relationship worth keeping. But only you know the answer to that.
At 27 you should be getting established in a career as well, you're not "young" per se, you're and adult already. So you started education a bit later/had longer education than most. Doesn't mean you've just started out in life, you're still 27, student or not. I don't see your age as being too young to have a child (of course, that is relative though). If you were 17, yes that'd be too young, but above 25 years of age you've crossed into being a full grown adult. It's not a shockingly young age to have children. It's a quite common age for women to have children.
But a man proposing to you and wanting children with you.. if you love him and he's the one for you that should make you thrilled and over the moon. Not feeling trapped. If you feel trapped I think it's because deep down you know he's not the one for you. He's not the one you want to grow old with. You feel you will be tied to him for the rest of your life, as if it was a negative. With the right man it will be a positive thought. Something you will want and desire.
By not wanting to have children with him you are basically confirming that you actually do not want to commit to him, or spend your life with him. Even if he didn't want children, if he's seeking a life partner... well then you still shouldn't be with him. Because you know you're not in it for the long run, he's not the one you want by your side for the next 20+ years. And how do you know? Because the thought scares you and makes you depressed.
I've been in relationships with men where I deep down knew it wasn't the right man. I didn't let go. Because it is difficult to trust yourself and trust your own gut instinct, and because you're scared that you're making a mistake, and because it is difficult to break up with someone. So I dragged it out instead until we ended up resenting each other, and couldn't stand the sight of each other. That's usually how I end relationships. I've tried, one time, to end it before it got ugly, but the man begged to have me back. And saying no is very difficult!
So I wont blame you if you can't end it. But you need to tell him you don't want children with him.
And, have faith. He's not the love of your life. In fact, there's no such thing. You're capable of loving more than one person, and capable of being blissfully happy in more than one relationship. Ending this relationship does not mean you will grow old alone without anyone to love. He's not the last man in the world. You will find someone else, someone who suits you better, someone who gives you butterflies. The last thing you want is to get knocked up, then leave with an infant on your arm to be a single mom 1 year from now.
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A
female
reader, BabycakesX +, writes (22 May 2013):
Sounds like you're not really that interested in him and the fact you are questioning your long-term future with him proves that you are not ridiculously happy and in love with him. Therefore, I would dump him now and find someone you truly love and want to have a family with. You don't want to spend the rest of your life regretting if you do end up marrying him and having a family!
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