A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:About 2 weeks ago I posted a question about my son cutting his friends and family out of his life because of a new gf. The verdict was just to give it time and he would come around.Now, here we are, with something that is even more perplexing in his world of new found love. He's been with this girl for 2 months. They didn't really know each other before then (not like they were friends or even acquaintances first). So this is all fresh and new. I am an outsider looking in on this, and I understand it isn't my business and there is nothing I can do about it, but I'm concerned.They have decided that they are in complete and utter love with each other (they were telling people this within the first couple of weeks they met). Now they have decided to move in together. After knowing each other 2 months.Imo this is an impulsive and irrational thing to do. Even if they say they are soul mates and meant to be together, I feel it is way to soon. How do you know someone in 2 months! They are both in their early 20's but judging from this behaviour and mindset, I don't think they are acting mature at all. My son has a history of this kind of impulsiveness and it's never worked out in the past, although he is swearing up and down this time it's different.My question is, how long into a new relationship until the rose colored glassed come off and the lust period ends? I hope soon. Maybe my son will see that he should take his time and move a little more slowly on this.I am trying hard not to be a meddling mother. Like I said, I know they have to grow, spread their wings etc. I just want my son to be happy, and it's hard to stand back and watch him on the verge of making this mistake...again. I don't want to say anything to him b/c right now, his gf is what the sun rises and sets around and he will just get defensive and it will prob end up with bad feelings between us.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 the fact that your son told you he bought these tickets for 6 weeks away is interesting to me.
Does he SHARE everything with you? if so you two may be too enmeshed as mother and child and he needs to back away and you need to let him do so.
We as parents give our children two things... we give them roots and we give them wings... the harder part is the wings... letting our kids go out in the big bad world to make their own mistakes is the hardest thing a parent does.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 You have to cut the apron strings and allow him to be an adult and make his own decisions.
He's not you. He will do things his own way. He will make right and wrong decisions (as we all do).
Offer advice only if he asks for it, and be there to support him.
Will it be easy? No! Letting go never is for a mum, but it's the right thing to do.
You never know: they may even live happily ever after.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): My lad is early twentys and does exactly the same thing. I just leave him to it as he always ends up back home. But if one day he didnt then I would just think good on him.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (28 October 2013):
 All I can do is sympathize. My 20 year old daughter is with a guy whom I consider to be wholly unsuitable. It's been going on for more than a year. All I can do is make sure she knows the door is open.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 He needs to make his own mistakes and live his own life... You need to let him. He is not you, he doesn't have to act like you would. He is an adult now, making his own decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): Telling a loving mother to let go of her adult-child to face the circumstances of their own decisions; is like telling her to pretend she never gave birth to that child.You need fulfillment in your own life; in order to feel you still have usefulness and continued control over fate. You've devoted your life to seeing to your son's best interest and you've witnessed his past mistakes. However; it's as though you were never a young person yourself and aware of what first-time relationships are like.They are a series of mistakes and learning experiences. They may be painful; but they are not necessarily fatal. You really need to focus more on your own needs. He is a grown man. It's not up to you to decide for him, what is too soon. He will learn that on his own.You have been his protector for a long time. Giving up that job isn't easy. You have read the advice you've been given but you have not absorbed and processed it. You are writing to vent your motherly frustrations with an adult-child; but you can't let go. You can't resist the temptation to meddle in his relationship, and you don't like his girlfriend. Which is the main issue behind your obsession with his relationship. You can't control either of them. Least of all her. You've lost the competition for his love. You can't make her go away, and you don't like him choosing her over you. He has all but abandoned "you" from what you seem to be describing in your post.The more you impose on his life, the farther you will push him away. The more you resist allowing him to grow-up, the more you will obsess over his absence in your life. What makes you so absolutely sure he isn't right this time? Why is it any responsibility of yours, if he isn't?You need to find yourself a new purpose. You have a inner-need to maintain control over your son's life, and you stubbornly resist advice to back-off. You don't listen to your husband, and the new post indicates you're not listening to us either.If he is wrong, he will have a new lesson that will imprint itself on his heart. He will, by his own efforts, determine what is good and what is bad for him. He has deliberately cut you off; because he knows from past experience how you will interfere. So rest assured, what doesn't kill him, will only make him a stronger man. He has already learned to stay out of your reach, in order to live his own life. This is tough medicine to swallow; because you love him. He loves you too. Now you also have to accept there is another woman in his life, that he loves enough to devote himself to completely. He appears to have inherited that stubbornness and devoted behavior from you.
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reader, llifton +, writes (28 October 2013):
 i know you want the best for your son, and it's easy to look on his actions and tell him how he *should* behave. however, the hardest thing for a lot of parents to do is let go and realize that there is nothing they can do to change their kids minds or their actions.
he is an adult. and despite the fact that he is acting impulsively (which even adults in your age bracket do), he deserves the right to make these decisions for himself (and perhaps mistakes). i'm going to assume you probably have made mistakes in your life. you probably were hard-headed at one point or another and knew that you knew better than your parents, and despite what they said, did what you wanted anyway. and it probably back-fired in the end. but that's the joy of life - we learn things the hard way and that's how we grow as people. if everyone just listened to what they were told, no one would really ever have any real life experiences.
hell, for all you know, maybe they will get married and stay together forever! highly unlikely, but not impossible. but as long as he is not putting his physical well-being in harms way, i see no reason why you shouldn't just be supportive and let him make his own life decisions.
the way i've always conducted my relationships in life is by never forcing my opinions on to them. even if what they're doing clearly seems like a horrible idea, i will gently suggest what i think they should do, but ultimately let them know that i love them and will always be there no matter what (unless they are physically harming themselves or others). i always leave the lines of communication open so that they know they can always come to me and never feel judged. and when whatever it was they were doing inevitably backfires in their face, i'm always the first person they come running to.
what you're doing right now will only push your son further and further away from you. which clearly isn't what you're aiming for, as i know you love him and care about his well-being. first, you are actually hoping for his relationship to end. which would upset anyone. and second, if the relationship does fail, he will feel too ashamed and embarrassed to even come to you and tell you because he's going to think you're just going to give him the classic "i told you so" line, which no one wants to hear.
if i were you, i would tell my son do whatever it was that makes him happy, even if you know it will most likely wind up failing in the end. let him make his own mistakes. after all, it's his life. not yours. remember that. he's all grown up now. let him make his own path and be there as a mentor and guide and friend. he knows your opinion by now. and if it all blows up in his face, let him know that he can come to you and talk, and you'll be there for him and be supportive.
good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): You need to find something to do with your time so you're not spending your free time worry about his choices. 2 months I agree, is a very short space of time but people can only learn by making their own choices and mistakes - it's what helps us grow.Invite them both over for dinner, make an obvious effort to get to know her and include them rather than waiting to hear from him. She might be a lovely person and rather than him repeating last mistakes she might actually be good for him. They might return the favour too if you meet up enough for dinner and you get to see their chemistry in their home together and perhaps put your mind at rest.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Early 20's hmmmm.
I was a bit younger than that when I met my soul mate (actually we never use that term) We were informally committed in much less than 2 months.
But, that really isn't your question. I'm not convinced that I know what your question is. I'm wavering between How can I break them up? and How long until the train wreck?
Two things worry me. His history of bad impulsive decisions and the fact that their first move was to cut ties with family and friends.
Cutting ties has made you suspicious of her. His history has made you suspicious of him. Conversely, your suspicion of him in the past could very well have led to his cutting ties.
You seem to have the right ideas but are you really doing the right thing. You know that painting her with a wide brush will just bring him to her defense but, are you still frowning when you see them together. You know meddling will drive him away, but are you really resisting asking pointed questions. You see to us it looks as if you are already convinced that this is a bad pairing. Even though you say he is just moving too fast, you follow it with asking how soon will he see how bad things are.
I've seen plenty of meddling mothers, and fathers too. They always have the best intentions. So often it comes down to them believing that their children can't possibly make as good decision on their own. Either they are too young, or they are being blinded, or they are trying to hurt the family.
Now honestly this is the question for you. Do you believe that your actions right now, are going to result in his happiness down the road? If you keep him home and out of relationships for the next 5 years will that help or hinder his ability to find a happy marriage? Do you believe that he can find a good match on his own? Are you prepared to either mother him for the rest of his life or to set up and enforce an arranged marriage?
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionuuggg....and now he just told me they went and bought tickets for a vacation in Dec and he paid for the whole thing. That will be 4 months in...and he has also done this in the past with other gf :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): Mine haven't fallen off yet and we have been together for 22 years.. We met when I was 17 and he was 20 lol .. We have three children 20.. 5 and 2 and we are still very much like a courting couple . My mother (God bless her wee soul) would cringe as my hubby kissed me in the supermarket lol lol .. And we had a 15 year old (my mum sadly passed) but sometimes when you know, you know .I loved my mother in law but we had an up n down relationship due to her being (jealous) but she had too many other qualities that kinda made things better .. However my hubby ended up not talking to his mum during one of her jealous outburst .. For me I knew she did wrong by interfering but I would say to him 'you only have one mum' and 'she is the kids granny' He said I was too soft .. But I would never stand between him and his mother .. He would retort only if she did the same .So I say like the rest please let them be .. Be happy , he's a adult and you can only guide him and support him .. Get to know his girl.. You never know you might just actually like each other . She may be the mother of your grandchildren.. You seem very lovely just bit worried .. I hope all works out . X
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reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (28 October 2013):
I think as a parent you are naturally concernend about your son's choices in life. Be it career path, relationships, friendships ect ect.
I can tell you from personally experience children will grow up and make good and bad decisions in all areas of ones life. We ourselves and We as parents just hope many more good decsions are made, and the bad decisions are small and few and far between.
And Yes, decisions that end up showing us in the long run it was a mistake can sometimes be a good desision too. It's living and learning, growing as a person, figuring out who we are what we want out of life.
Everybody is different. And some people go through life just fine being impulsive, it suits them. I must admit I've been pretty impulsive in my life, both career choices and love life. It has worked for me.
I guess what you really want to hear is this all fantasy or can it really work. Well it can and it may not. Either way they are doing nothing wrong, and enjoying life. Is that not what these precious years we have is all about. Living for Today! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
So what's my story, why did I respond to your question? Well here is my story.
My wife and I have been together now for a long time. It was love at first sight, like BAM! We both knew in the first few hours of spending time together just talking. She told me when I left the table and watched me walk off after getting her phone number to plan a date that she told herself she was going to marry me someday. So yes it can happen like that. I can say to this day I still feel that insane emotional, mental, & physical attraction to her, we both do.
Now this does not mean we have not had our bumps in the road. As you know all relationships no matter how good go through rocky patches. If the love is real that is what you lean on to get through those times.
So in short, for your son and his girlfriend, let them be, let them be young and in love, let them be free and enjoy life. If it works, it works, if it does not work well that's life. But, man how much fun the ride is!!!!
In Closing to Quote a great Film Actor Humphrey Bogart in the movie "Casablanca".... he's leaving and says "WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS".
Better to have been to Paris than not at all in my Book, as is Love.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Looks like you are getting the same advice as last time and that's because it's excellent advice. You need to make sure you let the chips fall as they may, your intervening will have a negative outcome, as you stated yourself. Just be loving mother you have always been, you haven't lost your son, he's just enamored at the moment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): I understand you as a mother myself, but unfortunatelly you know it there is not much can be done. More, if you try to do something you ll be the enemy #1. Rose colored glasses never fell of my husband at the age of 24, and that was 27 years ago. You just never know. Also talking about age, it's only for the past 20 years or so people started to get married in their 30s and after years of dating. Through the human history people were getting married in their teens or early twenties. Most women until recently were done having babies by 35 if not earlier. Pregnancies at the age of 40 were a big surprise. So, the fact that they are only in their 20s doesn't mean much. My daughter met her husband at the age of 20, and last year at 25 she married him. They also moved in 2 months after they met, but there was an issue with my daughters landlord. What I am trying to say, you never know. I also think that age and the moving in thing is not the main concern here but I think you just don't like the girl.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I can't even imagine having to sit on your hands in that situation, but YOU HAVE to do it.
If they are moving in together it won't be long before the rose colored glasses come off.
Just wish them luck and go about YOUR life.
And when he comes back and cries over it all, don't tell him I told you so, just help him pick up the pieces. I think in your early 20's you are allowed to think that world is great and your LOVE is your soul mate.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 October 2013):
People need to make their own mistakes. Don't try to interfere, let him have his life experiences, both good and bad. And you don't know, perhaps they will live happily ever after.
Don't concern yourself so much with the things you can not change. Let life happen.
Statistically speaking, the rose coloured glasses stay on for around 6 months. Then it spirals downwards, but might still linger around for a while. In my personal experience, things go down the shitter around one year in.
But you shouldn't want them to break up, you should try to be happy for him in this period when he is over himself with joy. Be happy with him, for him. You know he is a man of impulse, who only lives in the moment. This is his life, his world. Share his happiness when he has it, comfort him when he needs it. But don't try to make him miserable by taking away his happiness, just because you know he will probably end up heartbroken later on. It IS better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all. Let him have this. Let him be happy, no matter how temporarily.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Sooooooo, get yourself a copy of the Tolstoy novel "War and Peace" It is a monsterous tome.... and takes a couple of weeks to read. Do that.... and, once you have finished it.... come back on here and give us a report of what is going on with your son and his new squeeze...
Good luck.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 October 2013):
the thing is he's an adult and he has to make his own decisions and choices and all you can do as his parent is love him to the best of your ability.
I personally know lots of couples that moved in quickly and lived happily ever after including marrieds that married after 6 weeks... (albeit it was war time america) but they lived happily together for 40+ years as husband and wife.
Sometimes when you know you know...
the rose colored glasses will come off when he is ready for them.
there is nothing you can say or do that will change what's going on or how he is feeling.
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