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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, thanks for being willing to help me with this! What's going on is, I like his guy and he likes me, and we both live apart. Even though that kind of sucks because sometimes I fear he'll lose feelings for me from being away. I have trust in him, and I know he wouldn't do that, and thankfully he is moving out near where I am after his last year of school! But, the problem is, I fear him leaving me for someone else... Because it's like a pattern in my relationships, and I really want this one to be different, because I really enjoy talking to him all the time, he makes me so happy and at peace. And once I get the thought in my head of him being with someone else, and picturing him with another girl, I get all stressed and worried, and this fear gets to me...But when I talk to him everything's okay, then after he leaves, I end up feeling these negative feelings again. So, what do I do? How to I make myself not worry about him leaving me? And how do I make things go the way they were before, when I was always happy and not constantly bothered with the thought of someone else? Please help me! The feeling within me hurts, and I hate thinking this relationship's going to go to waste like the rest...Thankyou so much! Really appreciated! PS: I also did this tarot thing (I'm not sure if I should have or not), and I got the Hanged Man card when I asked it about our relationship. And I'm kind of afraid of what it means, which causes me even more fear inside. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 "So, what do I do? How to I make myself not worry about him leaving me?"
First, don't abdicate the responsibility you have for the choices YOU are making. Using tarot cards is a proxy for blaming others for your choices. You have chosen to cling to your friend in a way that belies a lack of self-esteem. As other agony aunts have rightly pointed out, you must work on building that self-esteem.
Second, I would add to this counsel by saying that beyond self-esteem, you will be less dependent on the affections of other people if you learn to love yourself. At this point in your life, you probably do not understand the concept of "loving yourself". You probably think it to be a selfish notion. I am here to tell you that if you don't love yourself, you can't properly love others.
How does one go about learning to love oneself? I can't provide a ready-made program. We all have different gaps to fill before we can achieve that kind of love. But in the end, if you are successful, you will find that you do not "need" to be with someone. You will find that you can "choose" to be with someone that you love.
I hope this helps to see your issues from a different perspective. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): Well i have been having the same problem. My boyfriend just graduated and is moving 4 hours away. We've been together for over a year and recently he met this nice girl that lives close to where he is moving. They both thought that it would be nice to have a friend when he moved down there. The thing is, they have only known each other for about a week and they talk everynight- sometimes longer than he talks to me on the phone. Of course we always see each other but still. She has a boyfriend and he was upset as well that they were talking but they still talk and plan to be great friends. How do i know that she wont try to do anything if i trust him so much? he seems to be getting annoyed with me but we broke up for a day and both decided that we loved each other too much to be apart. How can i make myself sure that nothing will happen? This probably isnt the time or the place to rant- sorry.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 September 2005):
 Your insecurity is the result of what has happened to you before which you lightly touched on and you need and want to find a way to stop worrying.
I'm sure your boyfriend provides you with all the reassurance you need when you are with him but is he aware of how much you worry? Of course if you told him it would reveal a vulnerable side to your nature but he could allow you to see you really have nothing to fear.
You need to build up your confidence first and foremost which will help to get rid of these negative and worrying thoughts. Try to be as independent as possible; not because if your relationship breaks down you have something to fall back on but because you need to feel good about yourself without relying on someone else to enhance your self-esteem.
Go out with your friends, try a new hobby or skill and increase your sense of worth. Use your creative imagination in some other project rather than imagining him with another girl.
Everytime you feel a negative thought enter your head that concerns him, remind yourself of all the good times you've had together and how happy you both feel. Remember that everyone is different luckily.
In which for you to be and feel carefree again, you just need to build up your confidence, realise how much he wants to be with you, understand that life is full of risks but that doesn't mean you can't withstand any type of setback and that you can create a full and happy life, spending time at work and with your friends as well as your boyfriend to reflect a new found confidence.
Work towards these goals.
I hope this helps.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (30 September 2005):
 Tarots eh? Take it with a pinch of salt id say. If you learn it right and if you really believe in them, you'll notice that tarots/runes/etc dont set how your life pans out. The roads you choose later on determines how it all ends. They are there just as instruments to show you what should be 'expected' in the future at that point of time.
You just have insecurity problems. This shows lack of confidence in yourself and in the relationship. You have to tell yourself you are not lacking in any way and that it is lucky for your boyfriend to have you!! Its the mindset and how we perceive things that makes a persons character difrerent from another. Try to be positive and that he is not your 'everything' and that you have a life outside the one you have with him. This way, you also tend to be less clingy. I hope this helps. Good luck with dealing with it!!
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male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (30 September 2005):
If it's going to happen there is nothing you can do, so make sure you are living your life to the full, regardless. That way, if it does happen you'll have so much going on yourself, it may not be such a big deal.
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