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*man03
writes: I have a big problem. My girlfriend won't ever tell me what is wrong and she has confronted me about this a few times. I do not know what to say and freeze when I know something is wrong. She is going through a lot right now and I want to be there for her. I love this girl with every ounce of my heart and soul but feel like I cannot and that I will lose her unless I can change this. Has anyone had this problem? Her grandfather is dying and she doesn't freely talk about things. I just need some advice on starting this talk and among other things just knowing what to ask. I try to go out of my way for her all the time but I just don't think that is enough anymore. I have to fix this in a hurry. I don't know what I will do if I lose her over my inability to ask questions. Thanks all ahead of time. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): You need to let her know how much you care about her and that you are there for her. She may not be ready to talk about this yet, but by letting her know you are willing to listen and help her through anything she will open up to you when she is ready. She needs to know that what she says to you will not go any further. I know I have been burned in the past and it took me a long time to trust again, but with reassurance and love I came through and now have the best relationship I have ever had. He is my best friend, which is how it should be. Hang in there she will come through as long as you give her love and let her know she can trust you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2006): my girlfriend won't tell me wat to do she won't give me a hug what should i do i feel like my relashonship is down the drane.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2006): she is using that as a excuse to control you and keep you by her side . she may be in love with someone else but she is keeping the medical condiction of her grand dad because she don't want to hurt you .the love for you is gone move on and try find someone else there are many great girls out there without confussion !! take care
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reader, lillaum  +, writes (15 October 2005):
 Hi there! Yes it does sound like your girlfriend is going through a lot at the moment. She is obviously thinking about her grandfather a lot. She probably feels that when she is with you she can temporarily escape what is going on in her head. she probably needs a little distraction for a while and looks to you for that. Don't pressure her into talking, that will only make her fell pressured and she will end up closing up more and will feel like she has lost her outlet. all your job is to do is be there when she is ready to talk and let her know that you love her. until then she could probably do with a bit of a laugh (but be sensitive) maybe watch a comedy on TV or take her out. She is very lucky to have you, just be patient.
Good Luck
Lillaum
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reader, worriedinmn22 +, writes (30 September 2005):
This is what i have to say to your situation... I am just like your girlfriend in so many ways i dont share my feelings and dont like to bother people with my problems, but let me tell you something.. she may be sad and upset right now and she has every right i mean her grandfather is passing away right in front of her. All you can really do is just be there and tell her if she wants to talk you will always be there to listen also ask her how she is and if she wants to talk if she says no then give her a kiss a hug something and let it go at that this will make her feel like she can really talk to you and that way you make yourself open anytime she needs you rather than to ask her, when you do that she may think if you dont ask her at that time you dont care, sweetie there is alot of things going through her head and she needs to figure things out before she can talk. let her do her thing dont back off but dont shelter her either thats the worst you can do. show her love and affection but dont be pushy.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (30 September 2005):
 Disclosure: Sorry this is so long but your question really pushes a button for me. I am less impressed with your girlfriends plight. I lost about half of my family suddenly to death and all but one of my friends, to selfishness when they were horrified with the hell that my life had become, and when they decided that it would be best for me if they gave me "space" .... forever apparently, since I still have not talked to even my closest friend since January 31, 2002. So I disclose the fact that I had a very harsh reaction to your story. I was/am totally alone and never once supported by people I knew and thought would have before. I would have loved someone to to feel sorry for me at the time, . . or still ( if I'm honest). But I did have a supportive (as far as a hetro bf can be anyway) who listend if I began to ramble or cry and who teared up if I was particularly eloquent. He never read my mind and was never expected to. If you are interested, you can see **more on my situation below, but to get to my point on which I do claim some authority and also claim a free pass to bitch lightly...
She is manipulating you. No matter how sad she is, she should not and has no right to blame you for the pain she feels. It's not because you are not psychic that she is uncomfortable, it is because she is scared. But unless you are threatening her, she is misplacing very unfairly her anger and grief. She has no right to abuse you like this. If we all got a free pass when a loved one died, the world would be a hellish and hostile place.... I mean even worse than now... a lot worse. We all either live long enough to watch those we love die or we die first. And forget knowing what to ask. You never will. In fact, line up all those who will miss him and to feel supported, you must read all of their minds. All a grieving person can expect is a warm and willing body, a person to instruct in the best ways to support and love you while knowing nothing can take it away from her.
She is setting your relationship up so that she is in control and you are always afraid and needy. Is that you? I know that she is hurting but you need to get a hold of this situation before bad habits are formed.
If she does not bring out her own issues, she has no one to blame but herself when others don't know exactly what is going on. Love is N- O- T suffering nor is it a pained person who wants to dish it out on others for the sick satisfaction of making others suffer since you are.
While this is a stressful time, if she has more loved ones in her life, she had best learn to cope with class and not an iron fist. If you are afraid you a jerk for not enjoying this and if you secretely have had enough of it already, you have my permission to check out. She is overboard and love should not be impossible.
If you really do want to help more and can write off the mean spirited silent tantrums thus far, you don't have to count the relationship out just yet either. If you want to, you can give her a chance to ask and to be supported. You do not serve her but in case she has not thought about her tendency to cause pain in an effort to relieve her own, she should be told that she cannot expect mind reading and that if she needs to talk, you can have a code word that gets the attention she needs from you with out acting like a bitch (use gentler words though. somethings like if you need to talk you can say "sos" and I can know to listen. Tell her that she needs to end each session with a statement of what you can do -specifically- to support her or make her feel loved. Then see if she can be reasonable. Also, say that you wish you could ease this for her but that since there is NOTHING you can do but listen and be there, she needs to at least be secure enough to shoot out the emergency flair and let you know when she feels she is going to blow. That is hers yours would be listening to repetitive or illogical ramblings she might babble as she tries to put it all to words. Tell her she can call out the code word often and that you will also try to ask her 4 times daily how she is doing. That is specific and if it is not enough for her she can say "renegotiate please" Define the terms and make sure both define what success looks like and make sure the bar is set to a fair height For both of you. That way you both will have a healthy expectation and will set up a fair give and take. What is happening now is not fair at all. If your perception is correct anyway. For all I know she seems different and you are panicking.
Since you are not her, you cannot know what she is thinking or feeling no matter what she says or how hard you try, she needs to get support from a grief group if she can't get it from you. You are not defective for not being a fantasy, she is for expecting it. Know what I mean? Grief groups are great because you meet with others who feel the same as you do and you can relate with out expecting the impossible from others. If you expect mourning from everyone imagine what our lives would be like. People die every day.
But sometimes there is no perspective like realizing that it could be so much worse no matter what. The stories would curl your toes and I guarentee are sadder (unless her parents are dead ane he saved her and raised her (minimum sob factor) to The average N.O. hurricane saga (max sob factor)....
Don't be mean and I wish I had a better way to say this.... but she is acting dramatic and practically insisting on the relationship being all about her. What about your needs? Not important?
The Bible says to give thanks and your joy will be increased. It does work but one way to misery is to stew on what should be and not work through what is. For me it was that I feel lucky that if our days are numbered, even if they are short I am so happy God thought me worthy to experience my loved ones and to love and be loved by them. What an honor. It really is a spiritual law. You cannot feel thankful and miserable at the same time and thankfulness is a choice once it is pointed out as a possible way out of the darkness.
***MY AUTHORITY=(Almost eveyone I loved was killed in 2002 and my beloved best and greatest dog to ever live who was my sole support and friend that year, died a year after that.
My confidant and beloved bonus (step) mom, my dad and my protector whom I could pull anything over on and be crystal clean no matter what, and my best friend aka my brother who lived with me at the time and who was the rock of my world, my hero and whom I still years later long for daily, and my brothers favorite and one of my favorite as well uncle F.... were all happy alive one moment and instantly and unexpectedly dead the next min.
These are the things you read about, these don't happen to actual people right. Oh but how wrong I was. SO if life was lived happily or for a longer than average time, the dead one is, in my opinion' lucky.
Unless it was both unhappy and long. That would suck long term.
If you are still reading this, Thank you for the opportunity to purge. I am clean... I am officially way over tired and only hope that my extra quick edit job did not make it worse. Please forgive the form as I am working on minimal sleep and just cut short todays rest too. But I mean well and hope you get my gist. So now I have to get some shut eye and must seek bed.... now!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2005): Okay, so you know you don't want to lose this girl, so you need to get over your fear and ask her! You've made it clear that you want to do this, so that's half the effort!
If I was you, I would maybe plan a nice dinner for the two of you, or at least hopefully you'll be able to talk when it's just you two with no disturbances, and failing that a few minutes will be all you need to get you started!
Just ask if you can talk for a sec, and if she says no then say "please- it's really important". Say something like "hey sweetheart, I know you haven't been very happy at the moment and it really hurt me to see you sad. I really want to help you if I can, and I want you to know that I am here for you if there's anything you want to talk about".
If my boyfriend said something like that to me then I'd be really stoked. Stay calm, and prepared that it might not be easy and/ or that she might not be ready to talk then and there- but you have opened up the invitation for when she is ready.
Best of luck.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 September 2005):
 I think all that is necessary here is for you to reassure your girlfriend how much you care for you and that you are always available for her if she wants to talk to you.
There aren't any specific or correct questions that you should or must ask; there isn't an art to this. It is simply a case of being able to listen.
She is going through a difficult time, I know, but she needs to realise that you will only be able to understand this if she chooses to open up to you.
Just let her know that you are there for her, that you want to share this with her. Ask her how she is feeling and tell her that you want to support her but that it is difficult to know what to say to her in which to ease it for her.
I don't believe you are doing anything wrong, you are trying very hard to do the right thing by her.
You shouldn't lose her over the inability to ask questions because there aren't any particular questions that you should ask.
Let her know today that you are there for her, that you are willing to listen if she wants a shoulder to cry on and that you long to understand all she is going through so that you can reassure her and help to make her feel better. Tell her how you feel about her and that you want to be part of her world.
Hopefully then she will confide in you.
I wish you luck.
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