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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, I have a problem. I can't deal with my boyfriend's past. Well, we've been together for 3 years and it's been a happy 3 years. I was a virgin when I met him. He wasn't which wasn't an issue in the beginning. Before we had sex we agreed that we would tell each other everything about each other's pasts and past relationships, so that it wouldn't be an issue. Well I told him the truth about me. The fact is I was waiting for the right person to have sex with for the first time. The most I had done with an ex was kiss. He told me about 2 girls who he slept with and other things he had done with one other girl. I really respected his honesty and it made me feel good knowing that he could talk to me. I was so happy in the relationship and felt comfy around him. I had very low self esteem about my body and he reasurred me that I was beautiful. I felt so good and for the first time we made love, 6 months into the relationship, I knew I loved him and I knew he loved me too. We spent a lot of time together and even our best friends started to date. About a year into the relationship we all went to a friend's party. I didn't drink, as I can have fun without alcohol. My boyfriend had a few drinks. Myself and his best friend went outside for a chat as we got along like a house on fire and he started to tell me all these things about girls who my boyfriend had slept with, and done things - not quite sex but a lot more than feeling. I thought he was lying to me. I was upset because the girls who he told me he had slept with I knew. I knew them all, but my boyfriend didn't know i knew them. A bit confused the next day I asked my boyfriend and he said that it was a lie. I didn't want to cause a rift in our friendship so told him somebody else told me, not his friend. I forgot about it until the next weekend. My boyfriend and I had a romantic night in. He had a couple too many and told me about these girls and that he'd lied to me the week before. I was devastated. I think it was because he'd lied to me and I'd fallen in love with someone I didnt know and lost my virginity to him. I was so heartbroken. To put salt in the wound, a few days later I found out he'd lied and didn't tell me the whole truth. He'd told me half. I felt betrayed like he had cheated on me! I wanted to know all this in the beginning to make up my own mind whether I could deal with it or not. If he would have told me in the beginning I honestly wouldn't have had a problem with it. It's his past; we wasn't together then. I know I should forget this but I've tried for 2 years and it hasn't got any easier in time. I've tried to break off the relationship because of this but he broke down and made me feel so bad. I feel I can't be fully happy with him. The reason I need advice is that we've always had protected sex and one night it failed, because now I am pregnant with his child. I am happy about this becuase I don't believe in abortion and I don't want my child to come into the world thinking it was a mistake. I know if we was to split up my boyfriend would be devastated a lot worse than what I would be. I don't want to hurt him. I never have hurt him, but he's hurt me more than anybody could imagine. I really need some advice. I'm really stuck and emotional. Please help me any way you can. I'd be very appreciative of any advice. Thanks for reading my problem. xx
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abortion, best friend, cheated on me, heartbroken, lost my virginity, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): Learn about forgiveness, dear or this issue will continue to eat away at you. True forgiveness liberates the forgiver, and has little to do with the forgiven. He is guilty of lying to you but only to save you some pain. Had he told you all the graphic details, ask yourself-would that have made you feel better? I think not. Again, it is one of those abilities that you have somehow forgotten, or never knew about, because you have made forgiveness conditional upon the behavior of your bf, from his past, which had absolutely nothing to do with you, in the first place. We are speaking of humans here-flawed individuals trying to live with other flawed individuals, here. No one is perfect. I've discovered in the course of my relationship, there are some things I will not share with my partner. They happened long before he came in to my life and that's where these things are staying, in the past. The truth of the matter, since we are discussing truth, is that there are some things that I think that would hurt my partner and harm my relationship if he knew. Unfortunately, you accidently found out things that your bf, thought better left unsaid so not to hurt you. Remember the old adage "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all"? There is a fine line between being brutally honest and sparing someone's feelings. Give this some thought. Unconditional love is, in essence, the acceptance of our imperfection and that of others we love- and the realization that within the great imperfection lies the beauty of what and who they really are. I do know that you have no power to change anyone, other than yourself....that said, the positive changes you make in yourself will cause a bounty of wonderful ripple effects in those, close to you including your bf and your unborn child. Forget this, dear-it sounds like he loves you sooo much! Make a good, happy life with him and come together as a happy, solid family. Look forward! Take care, dear
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 October 2005):
 The past is past and all of it happened BEFORE you came on the scene. You should try harder to bury it and move on. He loves you that's all that matters now. If it is absolutely impossible for you to deal with this then you have no choice but to leave and try to find someone who has lived in a bubble all his life until you met them.
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reader, pops +, writes (6 October 2005):
Your bf is not responsible for your self esteem issues. You are. Get professional help. He is responsible for the child you are carrying. I don't really see how this relationship is going to grow, considering your ' self esteem ' issues, so unless he wants to help support you and the child, and has the resources to do so, you might want to consider an adoption. That would give you time to deal with your problems, and then start life fresh. I would not marry someone who obsesses over my sexual history.
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A
female
reader, Green_Eyez +, writes (6 October 2005):
I can understand why this has upset you so much but you need to get a little perspective. Despite the fact that he lied, your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy (and they are few and far between). I would hazard a guess and say that the reason he lied to you was to spare your feelings and to avoid the situation that has consequently arisen, ie you getting yourself into such a state over things that are in the past.
I know you say you could have coped with the truth in the first place but if you really think about it could you have done? You may feel cheated that you lost your virginity to him after he'd lied - but look at it this way - you're still together so it's not like he slept with you then ran off is it?
I suspect from the way you have reacted this is more to do with the number of girls he's been with as opposed to the lie he told. Has he lied to you about other things as well? If not you really need to put this behind you and move on.
OK, so he'd been with other girls before you, maybe more than you would like, but he is with you now. These girls don't matter. You sound like you have quite a solid relationship and now you have the joy of a child to look forward to.
Next time your insecurities surrounding this raise their ugly head remember that he is with you not them, you're having his child and you have a happy future to look forward to. Don't feel jealous about these girls - look at it this way - the fact he's still with you means that you must be the best he's had!! It also means he loves you and that is all that is important.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, sasha19 +, writes (6 October 2005):
I honestly don't think you need break up with your boyfriend. He was probably only trying to protect your feelings and was probably afraid you would react like you have done. What he did was in the past, before you two got together. He hasn't cheated on you. Perhaps he should have been honest in the first place, but if you are truly in love with him and you know he loves you then what has happened before you got together shouldn't be an issue. The truth is out now, most women never get the whole story.
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