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female
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anonymous
writes: I am really interested in a guy I play volleyball in the same team with. I have just taken up 10 pin bowling and he is a very good bowler, we have been bowling a few times now but I can't get him to talk. He is shy, I am shy and I am making all the overtures to go bowling I have to try and make conversation, etc. I don't know what to do, whether to just give up or keep perservering for a bit longer. It is starting to get me down. I'm 39 he is about 40. I feel like I don't have much time before my biological clock is past it's use-by date. Any suggestions?MJ
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
Just because this guy is shy, it does not mean that he is not interesting. Give him a chance.
Nothing puts men off more than desperation, especially a ticking biological clock. Relax, enjoy yourself and if you really like this man, perservere. It may be that he is a lot more interesting than his shy outer shell shows.
A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (8 August 2005):
 Your bio-clock is not a thermonuclear bomb, therefore you do not HAVE to date this non-chatty, non-interesting chap. Why not date someone interesting instead?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2005): Good conversation is something like that game of catch. One person throws an idea or a comment to the other, and he or she then tosses it back. But if that second person doesn't return it, the game ends. Both players feel awkward and wish they could be somewhere else. Does this sound familiar? Best thing, don't try so hard...just be yourself. Try smiling more at him-let him see you are approachable. Sometimes it's helpfulto have a 3rd person you can talk to easily, in among the conversation with the both of you.
Liking someone is scary. Especially when you're worried about whether that person likes you back. And the more you psyche yourself out and don't want to know what they have to say, the more you don't say anything to them. It's a vicious cycle and it's hard to break through.
That's why shy people sometimes do the opposite of what seems logical when they like you-that is, not talk to you. But his actions may speak louder than words. If you have caught him giving you sidelong glances, smiling directly at you, showing some interest in what you say, I'd say the chances are pretty good that he does like you.
As to whether he's "the one," don't worry so much about that. Think of him as merely "someone" you might have a nice time with. That's all. Pressure off, at least a little? Give him some encouraging mini-flirts on your part, and talk about nothing important-this might give him the confidence-boost he needs to step forward.
If you are shy with conversation, find some self-help imformation on overcoming shyness and talking openly to others. Think up some topics that you feel may interest him. If you really like him, persevere. If he still doesn't respond after a few months..don't give up being his friend but perhaps think about finding someone else you might be interested in. You may have to look for a more talkative partner who can initiate and carry on conversations with you. Good luck
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (8 August 2005):
 Do you like him? How do you know? He won't speak so you are left to fill in the blanks and you like what you want of him and from him. But what happens if he is nothing like his bowling swing of volley style has led you to believe. In fact what if he is boring and wont speak?
Ask yourself what your goals are and if it is a committed relatiognship, move along. If it is hot sex, cut to the chase!
If I were you I would casually say that I had the feeling he was not really having fun with me and I will save him the worry of having to say so.
Tell him you would be interested in hanging out as friends but that you need a bit of time to rewind and figure out how to recategorize him. Tell him you need that so you can actually be friends since you are a female and prone to a life of fantasy projection. Act like it will be no big deal so long as you nip it in the bud. Say you will call him sometime if he wants but that if you misunderstood him, that he shouuld make sure another date is what he would like but to not wait too long to contact you as you would probably not be able to pick up where you left off after too long.
Be all smiles and easy going and the pressure will be off him. If he calls you or trys to get you back, he wants you. You just must stop pursuing him long enough to see if he is a willing or unwilling passenger on the MJ train ;)
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