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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend 8 months. We've done some bad things like heavy petting and giving each other orgasms, but I wanted to save losing virginity for marriage, but I love him and I wonder if I haven't already gone that far without meaning to. I'm only 16 and he's the first guy I've really been with and I didn't know about anything sexual until I met him. Have I still kept my body pure for our wedding or should I go ahead and just give up because maybe I've lost my purity already and am no longer a virgin?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005): I agree with most of the answers thus far. However, If your boyfriend is putting pressure on you to have sex then he is really not very mature. It takes more maturity to wait than to give up and just go with the moment. We as humans have the ability to control our emotions-we do not have to let our emotions comtrol us. I applaud your second thinking about going all the way. I urge you to stay true to your original plan to stay a virgin until you are married-in the long run you will be VERY, VERY happy you didn't give it up to you boyfriend but waited to give your husband a wonderful, special part of your life to him.
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female
reader, StonePrincess +, writes (12 August 2005):
 Thank you all so much! I feel really stupid.
I was just so scared because I was weak and did some things with my boyfriend ,whom I'm very close with, that later I didn't know the full extent of. He told me one thing a girlfriend told me another, actually come to find out he was right, my girlfrind was trying to make me feel bad because she has done really bad things and tried to compare what I did to that, which there is a big difference between petting and doing things with your pants down.
You all have put my mind at ease.
And yes I've made it clear while I have slipped up from the girl who's never been touched I do think it is a good idea to wait to do anything farther. Besides waiting until marrige gives me allot of time to matture and get emotionally ready for him. THANKS!!!
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (8 August 2005):
 I agree with Rebecca Batchelor. Actual penetration is when sexually charged actions become actual sex.
I am beginning to see a pattern with the virginity questions here and I think what is missing is that as women will solidify their bond to a man via sex, even passionate kissing and petting are sexual with regard to the effect on the woman’s emotions and her sudden need to bond. Why not call deep kissing sex? Other than because it is a slightly different act and already was named kissing,,, why not call it sex? Because it is called kissing. You probably are violating you standards with deep kissing. It is forgivable though. If you insist of being very hard on yourself, you will always find a fault. That goes for everyone.
I do see how you might no longer feel like a virgin But since you are, what would happen if you quit on yourself. You would still be violated and you would greatly increase your worry and isolation. Now multiply that and add a huge sense of loss sense of loss and that is a sliver of the psychological pain you would invite to your life.. Don’t take that as an excuse to destroy your faith in yourself.
Hon, you lost your purity the first time you desired what was forbidden. But purity can be reclaimed at any time by renewing your commitment to your self. If for no other reason that you vowed to abstain from something (when you were still thinking clearly) you should make every effort to honor your word to yourself.
Chastity, is a bit harder to regain but you can do that as it means that choices over time proved that you valued your character over sex bribes in hope of finding love. Think of it as a credit score which look at the sum of your actions over time. The more recent choices carry more weight and as you put a time difference between the unwise choice and you now, The better you look . It takes more positive and affirmative actions over time to prove that you are chaste..
I hope you can remember why you wanted to stay a virgin in the first place. Was it not purity, chastity, and the gift of love? You probably commited to that in advance because you knew that in the heat of the moment, it would be very hard to stick to. People sell themselves out easily when they get into a mood and the body feels so good. But it is the next day and the rest of your life that you will feel that you should keep in mind.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (8 August 2005):
 It seems to me that you may not be quite ready for the full emotional implications that a sexual relationship can bring.
For a start, heavy petting and giving each other orgasms isn't 'bad' but if you aren't ready for such sexual intimacy on an emotional level, then such activity will be shrouded in self doubt and maybe fear and discomfort over what you are doing. If you both love each other, then giving each other pleasure is fine so please don't worry about that.
You are only 16, so you have many years ahead of you to enjoy sex so please don't rush into anything. I don't know when you are intending to get married, hopefully not until you are certain and ready but if you have hadn't had sexual intercourse whereby he has placed his penis inside you, then you are still a virgin.
If he has merely rubbed his penis close to you but not actually inserted it inside your vagina, then rest assured that you are still a virgin.
Perhaps you have been brought up to believe sex is bad before marriage and that losing your virginity means losing your purity? We are all entitled to our beliefs but please be aware that sex is about two people showing each other how they feel, a demonstration of love if you wish. It is also about having fun and enjoying yourself, giving each other pleasure.
If you love your boyfriend, it is only natural that you will want to show that to him and if you are attracted to him, then it isn't a crime to wish to indulge in sexual intimacy with him. However, you need to feel ready and emotional maturity comes with time and experience.
Think about what you really want and consider what sex means to you. You have every right to wait until you are married if that is what you want. Don't rush into anything until you feel at ease with yourself and your boyfriend. Your relationship needs to be based on trust.
I hope this puts your mind at ease.
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female
reader, purpleflyingmonkey +, writes (8 August 2005):
You have't lost your virginity. You only lose your virginity when he actully slides his penis into your vagina. If you haven't done that then your still a virgin. Wait until marriage to give it up to your husband.
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