A
male
age
30-35,
*hLawdWhat DoIDo
writes:My best friend met a girl last week. He told me, "You two would really suit each other". I shrugged it off, he always says things like this, besides it takes alot for me to fancy someone. Im sure ive been a whole 2 years without liking a soul before. I met her a day later and he couldnt have been more right if he had tried, (atleast from my point of view!). She enjoys the exact same hobbies and interests, likes the same music, wears the same style of clothes, likes the same comedians, has the same sense of humour and is god-like pretty. Needless to say I like her ALOT. I cant stop thinking about her. Ive known her a week and shes all I can think about.Heres the catch, so does my best friend. Hes the kind of guy who actually has quite a lot of girlfriends. Its worrying to the point that every girl hes EVER gone after, hes got. I dont even joke, hes just good in so many ways, the main factor being hes good-looking (or atleast so Ive heard -.-). Weve both fancied the same girl before, but usually im so far out of the running it doesnt really matter and I get over them. But shes not like the rest, Im not going to get over her any time soon, I can tell. Anyway the fact that he even likes her makes me like him less. They dont seemingly have as much in common but thats never stopped him before. When we found out that we both liked the same girl, his exact words were, "let the competition begin". I honestly want to punch his face in. Ive never hurt a fly, once I even got beaten up by some rough guy Id done nothing to. I just stood there and took it, I dont like hurting people yet I wanted to punch my best friend in the face. The fact he KNOWS I dont like people very often and he changes girlfriends every other week.Currently hes getting closer to her. I sweat when I think about it. A shiver goes up my spine. I cant let him get her, just one god-damn time I want to get the girl for once. For a moment I feel happy because I think he could make her happy but im filled with a selfish desire to have her for myself. Why should I let him!!Im going to have nightmares if they start going out, I'll probably never talk to him again if it turns into a long term relationship. I cant stand it. Help me.Worst of all is the fact my heart physically hurts all the time since I met her. It must be down to my emotions I guess..I never really made the connection between valentines day and pictures of hearts. Must they must be more related than I thought.
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male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (31 October 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is an old question I know but I thought I'd update it. Friend 1 asked her out, she said no. Friend 2 asked her out, she said no. I asked her out yesterday, she said no. Life sucks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): My advice would be to ask her out ASAP before she gets attached and then stop hanging out with those hungry dog guy friends of yours. The more time you waste agonizing, the more time she has to get attached to some other guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Man, I think it's time to walk on EVERYBODY. From the sounds of this I don't think anyone in this story yet gives a crap about about who is worthy of anything or what damage gets done to you.I don't think you've got the girl. Honestly I don't think you ever had her. I think right now she's giving you a chance because she doesn't know whether Jack is serious or not. But when push comes to shove, she'll elect to try out being Jack's sex toy a lot sooner than being your treasure. If I was you I'd come right out with it by now. Tell her you're interested in her. If she won't say yes to something, then it's time to just stand back and let her make her mess with Jack. It will rip you in half inside, but you can't change anything at that point anyway so you should go out with some self-respect.Jack sounds like he'd rather not hurt you if it's feasible. But with this girl you're starting to come between his fun now and that's unacceptable. The sad thing is he's probably honestly trying to do the right thing right now, but I don't think his willpower will last much longer. I think the two of them will be humping pretty soon whether they tell you or not. When it's all over, I predict you'll probably hate Jack with a new passion you've never felt before and you'll be sick inside about what a total disappointment this girl turned out to be. The best thing you can do throughout the next few days is to keep some healthy self control and don't be too impulsive about things. Don't get too angry and burn bridges you'll regret later but don't roll over and accept bullshit from anyone that you shouldn't either. Let them know they hurt you and you think it was pretty fucked up, but remember that later on you'll look back and start feeling more pissed off about it than so sad. That will make you wish wish you'd left the room showing total self-respect and being the better person about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): For goodness sake, just ask her out.
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (9 June 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Another huge turn of events. I think this is it this time. Although Jack has been giving me advice on the situation I dont think he has my interests at heart at all. I found out that he kissed her again - or "she kissed him" or some bullshit. Anyway he lied to me and said nothing happened but I found out later when he left his email logged on at my house. I was certainly wrong to snoop but I just wanted to know what they had been speaking about. Now he is going to know I looked unless I can think up a good excuse before I meet him as I wont be able to be just "normal" around him. She says she cant tell if she likes him.
On top of this she hasnt logged on to chat in 3 days. She hasnt blocked me, I'm positive, and I've done my best not to come on too strong but to seemingly no avail. She has perma switched her status to appear offline - because of me? I can't be sure.
How do I make this work without my life just imploding? I still feel the same about her and the "take him to the alley and play a game of chance" is looking better and better every minute.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Well, you'll feel better if you come up with a plan B. I doubt she'll say "No way", though you should be prepared for, "I've got a long-distance boyfriend, could we just be friends", or "I'm moving to Nairobi next month, I can't begin a relationship" or "Your friend B just asked me out for the same day" or similar.
Anyway, if she does say no, she can't make the date you ask, have another idea in reserve. If the answer is still no, maybe lay your cards on the table-- tell her that though you haven't known her for long, you really like her and feel you both have a lot in common, and you'd like to get to know her better. Ask her if she has any suggestions on how this could happen.
Since you'll be telling the truth from the bottom of your heart, no woman worth her salt will be able to turn you down... Even if for some reason she still can't or won't go out with you, she will look kindly on you. Your sincere effort will lay the groundwork for another try, another day.
Break a leg! *not your best friends' legs, though!*
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (6 June 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk heres the current situation. My first best friend has backed right off - I think he must know how much I like her. My second best friend has shown very little interest in comparison with myself and I think I actually have a shot at this.
Ive known her for around 2.5 weeks now and Im just worried about the outcome of the situation. Im not sure how quickly to try and move things on - some nights ive made a point of not talking to her at all just so that im not talking to her all the time.
I feel really comfortable around her and for the first time I think I could ask her out without even being worried about it. What I am worried about however, as mentioned previously, is her responce. If(when) she says "no way" I dont know how best to respond. I want her to think that it really meant something to me, because it really did - It will take me an age to get over her and even longer before start to fancy anyone else ever again (although at the moment I dont think I could possibly compare anyone else with her - If I continue to think like this im screwed forever). But I dont want to just start crying on the spot either, purely because of the humiliation that it would cause me. How on earth do I cope with this?
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male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (1 June 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605! I appreciate you are trying to help but do you really think thats a good path to take?!! You want me to take him down an alleyway and as far as I can tell, either try and beat him up whilst hes drunk or make him think hes playing a game of chance, when infact I am actually being extremely sly and cunning. I dont want to play any sort of game with anyone! I think we are just from two very different places q1605.
As far as people saying were treating her like a piece of meat, this isnt what I think at all! Either is it the case for atleast my other best friend (I'll just call him friend 2 from now on - the one who is more like me). I will read through carefully what I wrote though just to see if I am objectifying her - If I am it was completely unintentional and I will do my best to rearrange my mentality towards her. She means more to me than I do!
As for the heart pain - well I went to my GP 12 months ago about my heart, I cant remember why exactly, I think my chest got tight after a race so I wanted to get it checked out. I had a full scan of my chest and it turned out theres nothing seriously wrong except I have a heart murmur which has no clinical significance. As long as I keep her off my mind for long enough then it's all good.
Also, a funny side note is that my personal hygiene has for some reason gone through the roof. I clean my teeth 4 times a day without fail, wash twice and shower twice, Im running further than I intend to do when I train and push myself harder whilst Im doing it.. Im running every day without fail (not a problem, ive always ran 6 times a week anyway). Ive also just renewed my gym membership, going to start visiting the local pool and dusted off the barrel of creatine Ive got handy. The only problem is my feet are not forgiving me! They hurt like mad! :(
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Okay, this is a new and very interesting wrinkle for you. Your second best friend also has a lot in common with her and also has watched from the sidelines while a girl he might have fancied gets swooped up by someone else.
So you have potential 2 or 3 good mates all interested in the same girl?
Ultimately, you realize, this is actually her choice to make, if you all are interested in her? I mean, she may not fancy any of you and go off with someone else entirely. So don't back off getting to know her better unless you really don't care; don't be 'honorable' for your other mate and miss out on a girl you're really interested in. I don't think that's fair to you, or the girl in question, actually.
She's not a prize to be awarded to the most hang-dog of you lot! She's a human being with feelings, and preferences herself, and may be extremely angry to find out that you'd drawn straws for the privelege of trying to go out with her!
So my advice is to continue to try to get to know her. Let her sort out who she really likes, and behave like gentlemen if and when she does pick one of you.
Good luck, and do NOT back off on this unless you don't mind living with the regret of missing out on a great girl.
PS How's the heart pain?
This must be some girl!
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (1 June 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeres what happened, my best friend has bascally completely backed off. Yay right? No. My OTHER best friend met her seperately on the same night as I did and fancies her too. We have alot more in common with each other than my other best friend. He doesnt fancy girls often either and I know hes had to stand back before and watch as another of his friends got with a girl that he really likes. When I found out I did my best not to look totally miserable for his sake as I think he deserves this, he even said he feels bad knowing that we both like her, I do too! The only thing is I really doubt he feels as strongly about her as I do. I quite honestly don't care AT ALL about any other girls, the truth is they all may as well be male at the moment. I'm not attracted to anyone else in the slightest.
The worst part is I'm now convincing myself that she won't like me. Out of every girl I know, why did I have to like her? It's made everything else so difficult.
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (31 May 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHahahaha this gets sooooo much worse it's untrue.I shall update you as soon as I get back home from going out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Go for it! Don't underestimate this young woman-- besides being perfect for you, she may also be wise enough to know what's best for her. Like Tisha-1, I've personally rejected flashy sorts of guys for one whom I knew would appreciate me and support me.
Also, though it's okay to resent your best friend, have you considered that the same qualities that made you and him best friends, are the reasons why he likes this girl (because she's like you)? And it was thoughtful of him to even consider and mention that she's your type. It's natural to be jealous or envious, but if you feel that he is a true friend, don't say anything that you'll regret later. (If not, maybe this is time to trim the deadwood from your life.)
One note-- if you do win the lady, don't wreck it all by being too possessive. Many years ago, I had to leave the man who loved me best in my life, not because he was less good looking not as talented etc. than others, but because he was so jealous of everyone and everything that took my attention away from him-- whether it was other men who were interested in me, to my girlfriends, my studies, and even my part-time job! He seemed to forget that I'm just regular folks who could strive, suffer, or bungle like he did. A little possessiveness makes a girl feel special and wanted-- too much is stifling and kills the love. A little worship is nice, but always have sympathy for the human being that your girl is, underneath.
Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (31 May 2008):
 No there is no medicine for love!!!! She has let him down politely and really means Im not interested so take it slow and as I said before show her the real you and give it at least a week or more before you even think about asking her out now!! Good luck xxx
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 May 2008):
If you have more in common work on that. He might be a pretty boy but at the end of the day most of us girls want more than that. He sounds very shallow and she will maybe see right through him pretty damn quickly. Be yourself and dont let him get to you and distract you from this girl. Go and get her ask her out before he does or take her to a movie or a coffee to get to know her and show her the real you x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2008):
Go see your GP immediately about the heart cramp. This is not normal and should be checked out ASAP.
Please.
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (30 May 2008):
OhLawdWhat DoIDo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for what youve all said so far - I read all your advice carefully and tried to put it into practice as best I could. This has been very helpful so far!Well back to the situation at hand, I didnt write this in before as I thought it would be too long. Pretty stupid really but here it is now!Last night it was my best friends birthday. We all went round to his house to celebrate and drink etc. I was nervous and had too much to drink - a tragic mistake I know. I felt ill at about 1:00 am so I walked home back to my house. My best friend Jack and her kissed and he asked her out. Thankfully she said no, apparently she told him "I'm not good enough for you". I interpretated this as a polite no but I could be wrong. I was speaking to her later and she was saying that she has a very low self-confidence, so maybe she really DOES think shes not good enough for him! Later though she mentioned that "shes really picky when it comes to boys". Sh-.The last few nights Ive stayed up late to try and talk to her. She seems to like me but I just cant tell if she feels the same way. Jack came round my house today and we spoke about some things but not too much about her. I was surprised how embarrassed I was around him, I told him again that I fancy her, I just didnt say how much! He seems to think that hes not her type (from what she said to him) and that I should give it a shot. (Maybe I had him wrong from the start!) Although saying this I do know that he had tried to visit her earlier in the day but she wasnt in. But hes a sociable guy! I dont think I can conclude anything from that.Anyway I still feel the same ache constantly. Is there any medication I can take for this? My heart feels like it has cramp constantly.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2008):
One more little kick in the backside for you from me.
When I was at university, there were these two friends, let's call them Steve and Dan. Steve was a very handsome guy and was known to be a bit of a ladies' man, Dan was shyer, cute but not stunning, and much smarter than Steve. Well, as I was getting to know them, Dan stood by on the sidelines and did not pursue me at all, Steve was all over me. By the time I figured out that Steve was a player, I'd already hurt Dan, and I really regretted it because as it turns out, I much preferred the shyer, less handsome Dan to the manipulative Steve. Dan told me later that he'd been devastated, but he had never made me understand that he really really liked me. If he had, Steve would have had NO chance with me.
Okay, go out there and get your girl!!!!! Go on, scoot now, right now, call her up. NOWWWWWWW!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Maybe you should have a conversation with him and let him know how you feel. A good friend, if not really interested in her, would probably back off. A good conversation should clear out what kind of friend he is and the motivations to pursue a girl you like. Does he even know you like her?
However, the truth is you can not control how SHE feels which is the important thing here. You need to let her know you like her or ask her out or do something. If you sit on the corner and cry because your friend is going out with the girl you like, then theres probably nothing going to happen between you and her.
If, you do make your move, and she continues to go out with your friend, then that's her decision and not your friends fault. Good luck!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2008):
So what are you doing to get to know her better? You haven't caved in, have you? Do not stand on the sidelines wringing your hands, get in there now, and make sure she's thinking about you too!
I think I understand why you're so angry with your friend, he's completely disregarded your feelings about this girl, and is more interested in the conquest and contest than the actual girl.
I don't know much about male friendship, really, but isn't there some way you can just talk to him and ask him to respect your feelings in this matter? A kind of no-bullsh*t, look man I'm laying out my heart here, this means more to me that this girl ever could to you, sort of conversation.
I don't know how I could be friends with a guy that treated me like that, and treats women like they're the flavor of the month, or week, depending. Maybe you need to tell him that you're no longer his friend, so that he gets how important this is to you? You know him, I don't, what's going to get his attention and make him realize that he's hurting you for no good reason?
I would not let her slip through my fingers if I were you. Get in there anyway, he may have a reputation as a player and she may be aware of it, but if you don't show your interest, she will never know.
Good luck! And I hope she likes you back, I really do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Hey man, I understand how you feel bu I think the first thing to do is not to blame or be angry with your friend. From my point of view, he hasn't done anything wrong (he could like the girl as much or even more than you do, even though he has a bad track record), so try your best to keep your friendship with him. (Friendships are priceless). Now about the girl... If you really think she's the one for you then go for it! Stay calm and cool in winning over her feelings. Don't let your negative feelings for your friend hinder you! Be different and treat her special (don't just do the typical stuff guys do, go the extra mile). Let her know that you're interested (very important! but do it tactfully). surprise her and charm her in every way you can while giving her lots of space. Especially to choose between you and other guys. All the best man! If you're meant for each other, it'll happen.
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