A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do about this, I've thought about it a lot and I think I always want what I can't have. Lately I've been seeing a new guy, and until he said he really likes me I was feeling very attracted to him, but now not so much. And about 6 months ago I was seeing someone else who was emotionally unavailable and I was crazy about him until he started saying things like "I'm trying really hard not to say I love you". Then I started to feel trapped. Before that I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy who's insecurities meant he tried to make me feel like I was never good enough for him, so I never felt like I really had him I guess, and that kept me interested and trying. Is there anything I can do to stop acting like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Wow, thankyou Jayney! My Dad was an alcoholic who left my mom when I was 3 and would usually forget to call on Christmas and birthdays...Often we would call him on my birthday. And we would find out later that he'd come to our city for days on business and not let us know. Thankyou so much, your advice is spot on, and identifying the problem is the first step! You're so right, I do always feel like I haven't done enough to deserve a man's affection.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 July 2009):
Maybe you just want something simple.
Saying I Love You does imply they want you as a long term THING in their life and there is the moving in and parents and getting a dog things that come with it.
The first simple stage of getting to know someone is always the most fun. Perhaps you are just not ready to settle and want a guy to just date for a while.
Tell your new guy that you just aren't ready to settle down yet.
Either that or why not take some time being single and have a think about what you actually want from a relationship.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (7 July 2009):
 I have to be rude and ask what kind of relationship you had with your Dad? Perhaps your Dad, (or maybe both parents), made you feel like you were never quite good enough? If that's the case, as a result of that kind of relationship with parents, people sometimes grow up with the belief that 'love' means you have to work hard for it all the time, and if you win the approval, it's lke you've got the affirmation that you craved and the job's done, so you have to move on to the next quest. When you get into a relationship where the other person clearly approves of you, it's like the battle for affection and approval has been won, so there's no thrill in the chase any more, and it can begin to feel like the other person is a bit clingy. That's a situation you don't feel familiar with so it makes you uncomfortable and want to get rid of them.If that's what's going on, you need to learn to accept that you are worthy of love, so that when you start to get involved with someone you don't perceive their genuine affection as some sort of weakness on their part. Hope that helps.
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