A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedsoultrapped
writes:hello all. I am going to be completely honest because I truly need advice or insight. I'm 33 will be 34 in january and I just broke up with my 21 year old ex. he just turned 21 this month also. But I guess I'm just confused about everything that happened but also was it bound to happen anyway due to age? I knew him for two years and we started dating 6months ago. I was in love, he was too. so it seemed. He was sweet, different. i thought. he would tell me so much that drew me more in love. a couple games here and there that got to me and I would say damn, he young. but then times I forgot cause we were so close and so cool. idk I dnt want to get all in detail for a simple question. or questions I should say. one do you think a relationship could last for me to be 13 years older than a guy im with? or even 10 years younger. because I dnt go out with a sign that say please be young to apply!! for some reason i just attract and am attracted to younger men. I dnt know they age til we talk. but times i wonder should i just change and force myself to like a older man? i dnt feel any different than I was when I was younger, I act the same etc...but if I talk to a older guy I fell like they my dad. im lost here heart broken. tired of failing in love. he didnt even say sorry or anything took no responsibilty for anything he just played the victm and made me feel like it was my fault. but I didnt do anything. whatever a girl would say he told her he love her he say she a liar. but i dnt care bout all that anymore its too much for me to explain. point is he just dnt seem to truly care he hurt me or see that he did or either dnt care and im lost trying to get answers from myself. i'd a did anything for him I dnt understand how a person say so much to just change in 24hrs or two weeks even. why do men or most men blame you? why they never see what they done? and what should I do? cussing him out did nothing but make me feel more like im the wrong one? but I didnt do anything except believe all he ever said. when someone loves you how do you really know? for someone to say they'll do anything for you but yet they cant be there with you instead they break ya heart? but still say they love you? circumstances get in the way? really but with love shouldnt it just be? or wouldnt it just be no matter what? or am I truly lost in love that will never be or doesnt exist? im not a idiot, I am smart and kind and loving and dedicated. what am I doing wrong? why cant love just stay? I feel like all I do is love and never get love back and then when I think im getting love, I hold tight and believe again just to get my faith broken worse than it was? do I leave it alone? this situation anyway? I dnt kow what im asking anymore but i hope somebody listen............and men I really would like your honesty was I kidding myself. and why cant I see when a guy truly dnt love me or want a life with me even when they say they do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 I'm 51. When I was 34 my boyfriend was 21 so we had the same age gap. I am not sure that at 21 he would have wanted what I wanted at 34 but now we are fine.....
I have had older men and younger men... I just seem to gravitate towards personalities not ages... I don't looking for younger men either. my last husband was 11 years younger than me...
my husband used to say "i love you" all the time. it was just words. he did not respect my needs or wants (i.e. "honey please stop texting and flirting with all these online women it hurts me" was met with "of course" in words and "no way in hell" in actions. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
my current bf/fiancee (13 years younger) is incapable of saying "i love you" he warned me of this early on in our relationship and I accepted it as a limitation since we were just FWB/NSA fun and games.... then we fell in love. He still rarely says it... (i've heard forms of it maybe 3 times since he realized he loved me) BUT I KNOW THIS MAN loves me. MORE than life itself.... how? he SHOWS me.
How do you know a person loves you:
they care for you physically when you are in need (I had surgery and he spent 6 weeks babying me making my food, dressing me, helping me in the bathroom)
he wants to cook for me...
he wants me to look good for him and is proud to be seen in public with me, the stares of others be dammed (I look every inch of 51 and he looks about half my age)
he has my back... he had a friend disrespect me "she's old and not that attractive, hit it and be done" guess who's no longer his friend????
what's his is mine what's mine is his....
his family was told to accept me (I'm older, I'm divorced several times, I have grown children and most of all I am of a very different religion and that's very inportant to them) or be gone...
MEN in love will move heaven and earth for the woman they love... that's how you know.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Well if you are going for men who are significantly younger than you all the time then that is your problem. Dont date men who are under the age of 28!
I presume you want a loving, stable relationship based on trust and respect, you want to build a future with someone and have a happy life together? Well you cant do that (generally) with a man under the age of 28. They simply want different things from life, so they are never going to love you the way you want to be loved.
You can never know for sure that someone loves you - you just have to trust them, and watch how they behave around you because actions speak louder than words. So only you can ever know if the person you are with really loves you, we cant tell you how you will know - you just KNOW (if you know what I mean). Body language and behaviour will tell you if he loves you. If you have any suspicions about him or his behaviour well you can question his love for you. Generally if there are other girls in the picture, then you can be sure he doesnt love you and is messing you around. Even if he claims the girl is lying - the fact that there is another girl in his life, in any sense, means he is messing you about.
You need to stop this younger man thing - dont go for older men, there is no need for that either. Just try and go for men that are around your own age. 2 years younger wouldnt be bad, maybe even 3 or 4, but not much younger than that. Men dont really mature until they are 30, that is when most of them stop playing games and start to think about settling down. So any younger than this and you run the risk of him being immature and he will more than likely mess you around.
I am 24 and have recently dated a couple of 26 year olds and they have honestly put me off men under the age of 30 for life. They dont know what they want, they are fickle, they switch between girls all the time, their feelings are hot and cold....they are a nightmare! Whereas men 30+ are more stable, they know what they want in life, they dont play games and they are easier to deal with in general.
Maturity really does have a big part to play in a relationship, as does wanting the same things in life. Aged 33/34 you want to settle down, maybe get married, have kids? Whereas 21 year old boys want to party, get drunk, have sex, travel and maybe think about a career or college occasionally. If you want totally different things from life a relationship is never going to work, no matter how much you love each other.
So maybe try dating men that are over 28 and see if you have more luck, I'm pretty sure you will!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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