A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have asked a couple of questions before and want to thank firsthand for the good answers.I met this guy by accident, over the phone, it was a work related conversation that led to talk about us and exchange phone numbers.I called him a couple of times and he has called me too, we are far away, separated by at least two states, and right now we are talking only as friends, but I can feel there is a connection, we discovered we both are on a dating site and exchanged user names so we could check photos and profiles, he is not bad looking and said I am very attractive, which leads to my question.I do look attractive on my pictures and consider myself attractive and have a nice figure for my age.But there is one thing, I suffer from a genetic disease that affects my appearance, a lot of people don't even seem to notice, but I do, and know a lot of people do too, a guy I dated a few times, did not mind when I told him, but another guy on a first date asked straight out but said I was beautiful, and a week later wrote to me saying he had met someone else, I know he did it so I would not feel bad.So it brings me back to the guy I am talking to right now, he has said he would like to come and meet me in person one of these days, but I am afraid that when he sees me he won't like me anymore, I have asked my friends what to do, some say to tell him before he comes, some say not to tell him until he comes, because he might look beyond the physical aspect and see that I have a good heart.I don't know what to do, I thing I am starting to develop feelings for him and maybe he feels something too.The last time we talked, he told me very personal things about himself, and I said whoever likes you will accept you just as you are.I am thinking of telling him, but only if, and when we meet in person. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I really can't add anything to the excellent answers that you have already gotten, but let me just reinforce what others have said. Hinting is a bad way to break something like this to a new partner. It makes them think that whatever it is you want to say is much worse than it really is. I say this from experience. My wife didn't like some things about her past and wanted to tell me about them when we first started dating. The things that she came right out and told me were not a problem for me. The one thing that she hinted at for weeks made things sound much worse than it turned out to be and I think that was part of the reason that it was very difficult for me to easily accept. A couple of the things that she came right out and said were not any better, but I easily accepted them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I have not dated any other man in over 23 years.I was married for 17 years to a guy I dated almost 3 years and separated 4 years ago.I am new to dating and my condition is mild compared to what this affection can do to your body and appearance.I don't want to say it bcause I don't feel compfortable, I just wanted advice whter to tell him or not, my 19 year old son,considers I should.So I will.It's funny the answer that says he will think maybe I had a sex change or things like that, because I was laughing and telling him that, trying to keep it light hearted.I really appreciate all the responses, and I will be sure to keep you posted if we decide to meet, because he also is working on himself and might not be ready for a relationship now.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Escríbeme un mensaje privado y te voy a decir algo.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Thank you for the followup. If he's seen your pictures, then why would he leap to the worst case scenario? I think your friends do have a point, that you are actually expecting the worst. You're dropping hints there's something that you need to tell him, but haven't been able to bring yourself to do. He's going to start getting antsy and your being too shy to tell him is going to send up more red flags than just being upfront and upbeat with him about it.
"I stay out of the sun to keep my skin young and healthy! I don't want to aggravate my very mild case of psoriasis. Do you enjoy the sun? My mother is always on me to 'put on sunscreen, put on the sunscreen.' Mothers!"
I think you're telegraphing to him that you are very uncomfortable about this yourself, and this will not give him any reason to feel okay about it himself. Try to figure out ways to improve your self-esteem and the way you feel about this yourself. You need to be at peace with yourself before you enter into a healthy relationship with a new love.
I really do hope this works out for you!
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female
reader, 48years  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 What if he shows up in a wheelchair wearing a hairpiece?
What then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I want to talk to him a couple more times and find the way to tell him, last tiem we talked I hinted there was something I need to tell him about me.I am just waiting for the right moment.I am an outgoing person with a sense of humor, I love to laugh, altough I am Mexican I look caucasian, I consider myself attractive.I don't want to say my condition because there are different levels and mine is not so bad, but it is there, it looks like if I had an alergic reaction to something, some people have asked, do you have an alergy? that's as much as I can say, all my pictures are recent, some are relatively close up, I wouldn't put the example of the fat girl, but I know to a certain extent I am setting myself to get hurt if I don't disclose my condition, but what happens if he looks it up and sees the worst case scenario? then I wouldn't have a chance at all.My friends tell me I am pretty, sometimes I feel pretty sometimes I don't.They say I am blowing it out of proportion, that I don't look so bad, but I don't know if they say it because they love me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2009):
You can like someone as being a wonderful person but not be physically attracted to them. It happens all the time to both genders. It's not a nice thing when it happens, but attraction is a tricky thing. I knew a guy who was smart, successful but had a bad case of psoriasis. He had a long time girlfriend and when that ended he asked me out. I liked him well enough, but he was also too short and highly sarcastic. I can't name the psoriasis as the one thing that made me not attracted to him but it didn't help. I probably could have gotten past that if he hadn't been so prickly about it. (Sorry for any unintended puns there.)
I think that by not telling him in advance, you're setting him up for some drama. He'll see whatever it is you're not disclosing, even to us on this anonymous forum, and you'll be on high alert, watching him for any reaction as he assesses whatever the thing is. It's not fair to him, at all, I think.
Personally, I would make sure I mentioned whatever it was I had in a non-dramatic fashion. "Did I ever tell you about the time when my first crush realized I had jkjkjkj syndrome? Well, I guess it wasn't obvious to him, so at first I was surprised, but I understand it might be something to get used to. My friends don't even notice any more." Something along those lines. You want to be practical, upbeat and matter-of-fact about it. Don't present whatever it is in a solemn, grave, grim tone of voice.
Okay, this question would be a lot easier to answer if we knew what the condition/disease/abnormality/syndrome was. Perhaps a bit of practice revealing it to us might help you when you tell him?
At any rate, my vote would be to tell him before you meet so that you don't blindside him (surprise him) and set him up for a reaction that you will see and take to heart. Give him a chance to absorb it, contemplate it, come to terms with it, whatever "it" is.
Maybe this is a bad analogy, but sometimes I've heard it happen that the man reacts very badly to the news that his girlfriend is pregnant. He hasn't had time to adjust and cope with the new information, the new reality. Generally, he'll come around, but often not before putting his foot in his mouth, and this can lead to resentment on her part. If it's a huge surprise, and unexpected, a period of time for adjustment is only fair.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 June 2009):
If he had a genetic disease, you would want him to tell you. It's not something you have to be ashamed of, but it is indeed something people need to know. Anyways, if he sees you in person, he will know. So, I think you should tell him.
You seem to want to keep this man, and maybe you wish that your disease were not something people would have in mind when dating you. But, the fact is, people do. I am sorry for you, because I know that his dumping you would break your heart, and it's unfair, but there's nothing you can do but be honest.
You're not your disease. Don't let it ruin your life.
Saludos, paisana.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I'd tell him before you two go to the trouble of crossing two states, making plans, etc. If he turns out to be a shallow bastard, at least you haven't wasted your time or money then.
For the future I would suggest posting photos of yourself that are accurate, so this doesn't become something you have to "explain" down the road. Pictures that show you for who you really are will mean that every guy who contacts you already knows what you really look like and is still sincere in his desire to get to know you.
Perhaps this is socially incorrect to say, but using pictures that don't really reflect your appearance is like the overweight girls who use all the clever camera angles to hide this on dating sites, and then wonder why guys who came onto them online are shallow when they meet in person. Those guys were always shallow, they just didn't have a chance to show it until meeting the real girl.
I read a great article online from a woman in a similar situation as you are. I wish I could find it again, but can't seem to. If I do I'll post here, in the meantime good luck :)
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