A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have this ongoing issue with my bf of 5 years. Whenever he gets mad at me, he gives me the silent treatment. Sometimes it's a few hours; sometimes it's days. He's even gone a few weeks, which was absolute torture, but I'm getting better at handling it. I don't know why he gets mad at me half the time, and never actually find out why. He just starts talking when he feels like it. Its infuriating! I actually don't care when he does this, meaning it doesnt hurt me like it used to. It makes things uncomfortable and awkward. We live our normal just pretending each others not there, while raising 3 kids. Good thing they're young and dont notice very much. In the past, I used to let this behavior get me so down that I broke. I was an emotional mess and it really affected how I interacted with my kids. Now I just go on as if hes not here, which is pretty easy because he leaves a lot. But I'm really tired of this. Hes not constantly present. Not in the way that I am, and it really pisses me off. But I do love him. I just cant communicate with him because when I do, he shuts down. Any advice? I dont really know what I'm looking for here but I needed to vent. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gmelin8 +, writes (14 February 2020):
I suggest you talk about this method he uses to control you. Do this sometime when he isn't doing it. Tell him if he does it again for more than 3 days you will break up with him. You could negotiate something different that you both agree on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2020):
 Maybe it is a old defense mechanism he uses to avoid escalation. He might not even be aware. I don't know how bad his childhood and growing up was but I can see a "silent treatment" as a very effective defense mechanism, in the sense that IF you (that would be HIM as a kid) don't react things might not escalate.
Which is also why he chose to cut them out of his life. He is in essence given his family "the silent treatment". Because he KNOWS it works. And it IS easier for him to deal with if he hasn't got effective tools to handle emotional issues.
He might be scared for life, but that doesn't mean he can't IMPROVE.
NOT that it's an excuse but only a possible explanation.
I think you NEED to (next time he does this) see of you can pull him aside and tell him:" IF you are upset about something NOT talking about it and ignoring ME isn't going to solve anything, it will however push me away. WE have a family that needs to BOTH of us, so WE need to communicate with each other. IF you are mad and need a "time out to think it over" that is fine, but articulate it. And then COME back to me later and we can talk and sort these things out."
Tell him that YOU want the marriage to work. You WANT to raise your kids to be healthy, physically, emotionally, and mentally. And for that to happen. THE silent treatment NEEDS to stop.
I would even suggest TO him, couples counseling. So you BOTH can become more effective communicators and problem solvers TOGETHER.
Just remember this, UNLESS he is willing and accept that HE (especially) needs to work on this, NOTHING will change. You can't FIX this for him, ONLY suggest solutions. You didn't MAKE him this way, but you sure and heck can stop ENABLING the behavior you don't want. I get that you don't want to rock the boat, so to speak. But I think you DO need to take the bull by the horns here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Your boyfriend is trying to hold you as an emotional hostage with his passive agressive behavior. I am sad to say, but this relationship is doomed to fail. Couples counseling would normally be advisable, but even if you were supportive of the idea, what are the chances that this man would admit the need for the counseling and that he would participate? I would say, practically nil. No matter how much you love your bf, the only way to have a successful relationship is to have excellent communication! Just imagine a hospital where doctors and nurse do no communicate. Now imagine a church where the Pastor and the congregation do not communicate. How about a ship where the Captain and crew do not communicate? Do you see my point? Mentally well people, who love one another, talk out any and all differences, in order to solve problems which arise! Your bf is not showing love, and what a pitiful role model he is for your children! In your place, I would end the relationship, for my own sanity and for my kids sake!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2020): You're totally right. It is a horrible form of abuse and it is slightly getting to me, mainly because hes upsetting our routine and messing with my comfort in my own home. And he did come from a very emotionally abusive home. I thought it was going to improve since he's cut them out of his life, but the habits hes acquired are so deeply engrained. It's a battle and I'm no so sure it's a battle I want to fight anymore especially since he isnt fighting it either.
Thank you for letting me vent!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (11 February 2020):
 You say the kids are too young to notice anything. THEY NOTICE AND WILL IMITATE. This is abusive behavior and you need to leave this relationship. My ex partner did this to me and our daughter. I ended up having a mental breakdown and my daughter was self harming and had suicidal thoughts.
You are not protecting those kids from his passive aggressive, narcissist behavior.
Stop kidding yourself that it doesn't effect you. You are enabling his behavior because you put up with it and there are no consequences to it. The next time he leaves, change the locks and don't allow him back. It will be best for you and your children. Save them from mental illness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2020): Passive-aggressive behavior like the silent-treatment is an effective weapon in psychological-warfare. If it's used too often, you will develop some small immunity to it. The immunity is only temporary. Deliberate silence is toxic to relationships; because there is a breakdown in communication. You feel helpless!
They paralyze you by building walls with silence; they cancel any rebuke or defensive-argument. Thereby disallowing you any sense of power within your own relationship.
You have to read a lot of books and publications about narcissism and passive-aggressive behavior; and you will somewhat arm yourself with information that weakens the affects on your emotions and feelings. You still have to leave that kind of abusive-environment; because you're not built for it. It's like a slow-drip of acid that erodes the nerves; until you can't take it anymore!
Knowing why they do it and the kind of personality that would resort to such behavior helps give you more of an understanding of the kind of mind you're dealing with. There's more to it, than deluding yourself into thinking you can simply wait them out. They can't keep it up forever, but if they're way too good at it; they have a serious mental-health issue, and need to seek therapy. They want to hurt you. That's the problem!
Silently holding grudges stuck in your gizzard against people you live with, makes no sense. Having that kind of mean-spirit and toxic-vindictiveness within you, speaks volumes about how much of a sick-person they are. They're objective is to break you down; and make you more submissive to their will. In time, it will work.
We all may practice the silent-treatment to some extent. When you tire of hearing a repetitious-argument; or when you feel a building frustration with a hard-headed individual who never listens. You want to ignore them to death! If you're reasonable, you don't submit to such tactics.
It's best to back-off until you regain your composure; and resume to discuss the problem calmly, when you know there is a re-connection in communication. Talking to yourself, while directing your words at another person purposely shutting you out; will always get to you. You'll never really completely become immune to it; you learn to tolerate it. You shouldn't have to. Just who the hell do they think they are?
It's a form of emotional-abuse. People who do it, come from families where it's a family-tradition. He knows how hurtful it is; because it was used on him too.
Venting is therapeutic. We welcome you here anytime! However, if the abuse is actually getting to you; you should get some counseling yourself. Empowering yourself will help you to finally decide if remaining in this kind of emotionally-abusive environment is healthy for you and your kids.
He's not your husband. Using children as your primary reason to stay together will eventually hurt them. They notice and pickup your bad-habits even as toddlers. They sense the tension, and you'll unintentionally takeout your frustrations on them. Frustration seeks an outlet, usually through outbursts; and it prefers another human-being as the target. Abuse of any kind wears-down your ability to cope with stress, subdue your temper, and you lose your sense of self-control. You may even develop panic-attacks, and nervousness.
Don't pretend you can take it; because you wouldn't have written a post about it, unless you feel your defenses weakening. Seek your own counseling, and then decide if you should remain with him. I refuse to live in the same house with someone who insists on being heard, but doesn't listen to me. I'd rather be alone than live with an abuser.
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