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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and a few days ago he felt very vulnerable and opened up to me about his past. I knew that he suffered but he didn't open up until now. He told me that his mom and dad got a divorce when he was 2, and his dad was physically and verbally abusive to him, and he was always good to his sister and not to him which made him feel left out, so eventually he eventually moved out when he got 16.But I also got verbally and physically abused by my both parents. My dad was a cheater and a total @ss, He would spend thousands on other women and even opened businesses for them. I had to witness my mom get beaten up by him multiple times and he even kicked her out of the house for days. She stayed with him for the sake of us. Those things happened more than 9 years ago, and I really felt depressed and helpless at that time. However, I got over it although of course I remember those ugly memories from time to time but I just don't really feel the need to open up about it. My boyfriend thinks I've always lived a happy life and that I've been always spoiled, and when he opened up to me, I just didn't know what to do, I really couldn't do anything but to tell him to stop crying, my reaction wasn't the most empathetic reaction, because I felt triggered, and my boyfriend thinks that I didn't understand what he had been through, although I do understand that fully, maybe even more than him, but for some reason, I feel helpless and I don't know how can I help him to get through this. I really don't feel the need to open up about my past, but I also don't know how can I make my boyfriend understand that he shouldn't be stuck in his past and that he should learn from it, because when I tell him that, he tells me that it's hard for him to forget and isn't easy for him to move on. I told him that I went through a hard time because I was bullied for years (which is true) but I explained to him that I let those memories go, yet he thinks that it wasn't a very bad experience because he knows how confident I am right now, he thinks I'm only saying that to make him feel better. How can I deal with this situation? How do I make him feel that he is capable of moving on?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): OP, you are not able or qualified as a mental health proffesional to fix your bfs depressive illness. I do understand that you yourself are an abuse victim, but your remarks to your boyfriend were less than compassionate. I am not sure that either of you are healthy enough to be in a committed romantic relationship. It seems that you may be stronger mentally than your bf, but neither you nor I, know the totality of your bfs abuse. Likewise, neither your bf nor I, know the totality of the abuse which you suffered. Please avoid comparisons though, as to whose trauma was more severe. That goes for your bf too! Please encourage your bf to seek counseling, and respectfully OP, I want to encourage you to seek individual counseling with a therapist. As strong as you are, unjust harm was done to your psyche. Since communication and love must go hand in hand for any relationship to succeed, I believe that counseling can help you to be able to open up to share that most private part of you, with your true love.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 February 2020):
 He seems to be stuck under a dark cloud. He cannot just 'get over' what has happened to him because it somehow had found its way into the present. It's easier for you to remove yourself from the past because you've managed to heal from it, for the most part... He definitely hasn't healed from it. He probably still feels abandoned and he probably still feels like the scared little boy that he was all of those years ago. He just doesn't have the tools to cope and get through everything to come out on the other end, victorious.
I don't think that you're obligated to share parts of yourself that you aren't yet ready to share. You should not feel as though you have to, to make him feel better. Often times all a person needs is understanding. You may have come off as a bit dismissive with telling him to stop crying though and that's added to him feeling as though you don't understand when you actually do. It's okay for someone to cry OP. It's okay for him to express his disappointment and pain. I think that's an indication of your attitude of survival; don't cry over spilled milk, find a way to cope and move on. Perhaps that's worked for you, but there's still some ways in which you lack empathy. In life, it always helps to be empathetic. We all carry loads, some just carry it better than others. You've learned how and he hasn't. That doesn't make him weaker, it makes him ill-equipped. He needs the tools to deal with this and since you aren't a professional, there isn't much that you can do except empathise. He needs to get through this and only he can do the work. He needs to see a professional and start the journey of finding out who he is and who he is meant to be; what's his purpose in life because we're all here for a reason. His past does not define him so why should it? The longer he gives it power, the further he will stray away from who he is ultimately meant to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2020): Some of us are stronger than others. We can recover from trauma and hardship; because many people have a determined and survivalist-spirit, and they/we know life isn't always easy. You will never be happy 24/7, all parents aren't good parents; and there is no-one on the planet who can claim they've had a perfect life. You can have a happy childhood, you can even be happy in spite of past misfortune; if you hold-on to your best of memories. If you sort things out, and decide to move on like you did. Some people need professional-therapy and counseling; because their trauma and emotional-damage runs too deep, and they can't let-go.
If your boyfriend doesn't seek some professional-counseling, he might spiral into despair and depression.
He is still hurting; because it's not only a memory, it's his present reality. He still doesn't have a good relationship with his father; knowing his father is capable of being loving, but rejected him. That is quite a devastating blow. Parents often keep secrets from their children, and all the children get is their resentment, abuse, and rejection. It is possible the man he believes is his father may not be his father. I don't suggest you mention that to him, it's just a speculation. Often in cases like his, the mother over-compensates to be sure the child doesn't feel the pains of their mistakes. Apparently his mother didn't, or didn't know how to. He has no family to return to for support and love. He feels detached and lost in the world. My heart goes out to him. That's not your responsibility to fix. He has to find a way to press on.
You're not a therapist, but all you can really do is comfort him; and let him know how much you care for him. Please urge him to seek counseling; because it is unlikely that his father is going to suddenly become an ideal dad. He will have to learn to live with his reality; because sometimes life seems unfair, but you make the best of it regardless. You can't place your happiness and progress through life in the hands of other people. You live on and prosper, in spite of those who do us wrong. If he can't seem to shake his depression, he needs to see a doctor.
I seek hope and comfort through my faith. I've always had God in my life, and I pray a lot. My mother died when I was only 17, I've lost three of my sisters to a form of cancer. My partner of 28 years also died of cancer, and my father passed-on in 2003. I have a good life even after having so many losses of loved-ones; but I realize that death completes the circle of life. The third sister died of lupus in May 2019. It doesn't happen like it happened to me, so many in such close succession; but it will happen to everyone, because everybody dies. I hold on to their love, and my memories, I look forward to the future, and I can love their beautiful kids just as I loved them. I still have other siblings, and a very good life. Thank God!
Don't try to be his therapist, just be a shoulder to cry on. Push him to get help and encourage him to look forward, don't look back.
Nobody can undo history, but we can plot and navigate towards our future. Make goals, and reach them. Pursue happiness, and find it. True success is survival, and overcoming the challenges of life.
Some are more unfortunate than others; but I always remind myself of something I saw on the news a long time ago. I watched a group of kids in a war-torn area of the world, playing outside their home demolished by bombing. I watched them cling to their grand-mother, who now takes care of them; as she spoke to the reporter. If they can maintain their hope and play through losing everything; and all they have left is their grandmother. How hard can my life be?
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