A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I posted a little while ago - I need some practical assistance. Please dont say give it time ( this will make sense in a minute ).My ex wife left me 18 months ago, I posted a couple of months ago, in the post it mentioned that all my motivations over the past year and everything I've improved about my self since the separation is to make her feel like she messed up. (I have become substantially more fit and progressed my career and post graduate study) She was disloyal which is why it ended. We were highschool sweethearts - 10 year relationship, married for four years.I cant find it within myself to take her back - she tried around a year ago by sending me a massive message about how she made a mistake and wanted to try and make it work -i ignored that - I have filed for divorce and it has been finalized. I dont tell anyone this - which is why im coming to this forum. However the honest truth is not a day has gone by where I have not thought about her. I dont just mean cross my mind - I mean really think about her. Its an achievement if I make it to 10am without her crossing my mind. For 18 months I have just kept telling myself it will pass - it will pass and keeping busy, seeing friends , been on a few dates and seen a few girls for while (which probably was not fair on them ). I just need some practical advice on how to stop this - I have never gone on her social media once over the past 18 months, you know why.. because im afraid of what I will see and dont want to get hurt/annoyed/angry. I have never contacted her as well. I keep this shit to myself, I spoke with my mates about it when it happened but how can I speak to anyone after 18 bloody months - ill just sound like a pathetic tool. Family and friends are convinced im over her. Thats how i want it to stay aswell.I just want to forget she ever existed. I know it takes time and everybody loves/ed their husband/wife, but i put alot into her. Is there any advice for me, solutions to stop thinking about her to just let it go.Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2020): The grief from loss and separation continues; until we become determined to move on. It holds our feelings and emotions hostage until we accept the reality of our situation. The marriage is over; so there is no reason to stress and despair over something long lost. She has moved on, and so should you. You know the reasons why it ended.
Don't expect to stop loving someone you've truly loved; but learn to understand and accept that love was not returned in equal-supply; and it was not appreciated for what it is.
Betrayal means the love was flawed, if it ever existed; you actually knew this all along. Determined to have it, you overlooked every red-flag and deal-breaker; because you insisted on having it. The warnings usually come early-on; but we are determined to make love blind. Blindness means we're in total darkness, and we cannot see. You are still in darkness; but you have your hands over your eyes, because you don't want to see. It's over! Ignoring all the reasons it didn't work is being a spoiled-child. If you hold-on to pain and suffering, they will stick around; and become your best-friend, a crutch, and then your demise. The grief turns from a normal emotion that comes with a loss; to a parasite that sucks the very life out of you. Let me remind you...it is over!
Your denial to move on is an exercise in futility; because entitlement tells us we must have what we want, when we want it. Jealousy also steps-in disguised as pain for a loss; but it is really the fear of realizing those who have rejected us, will replace us with someone else. It means we weren't good enough for them, it means our relationship and love was a lie; and it means someone else has the capacity to please them. Effortlessly receiving their love in return. That's no reflection on you, it's all on them. You weren't born into this world to love, or be loved by, only one person. The heart carries within it, the ability to receive new-love when another one fails. I am living-proof and give testimony to that. It doesn't happen over-night; and you can sabotage it with stupidity when it finally arrives. Then it will be deservedly snatched from you!
You aren't perfect, and there was also something about you that didn't allow the marriage to survive. Everyone owns some blame; but blame eventually becomes irrelevant over time. Holding onto the past freezes us in suspended-animation...but guess what...the world goes on, and everybody in it, including your ex. You're the one stuck, because you want to be.
Love didn't die with your marriage. It still comes from family, friends, and God. It has to be redirected to the the things you enjoy doing; and focused on those in your life, who make you happy. Love is translated through good-deeds, and it fuels your determination to be a better man. It also rests within you for you; because caring for yourself, preserving yourself, and improving yourself prepares you for your future; and what destiny holds in-store for you. Some come into our lives for nearly a lifetime; and some, for only but a season. Only God is forever-faithful, and unchanged in His love for all eternity. She's only human, and so are you. Placing people upon pedestals, and worshiping them like a prized-possession; rips your soul out, when they betray your trust. If they disappoint you, and deliberately grind your love for them under their heel. Once they do that; forgive them, and let them go. Detach, suppress the bad-memories, and live on.
Love will return, wrapped in another person. This is your time to heal, reflect, work on your faults and weaknesses, and to invite God in. He heals from the spirit outwardly, He comforts, guides, and restores all that we've lost. Usually, giving us more and much better than we can ever imagine. I know, because I speak from personal-experience. I got dumped before I came to DC; and I also languished in my losses and sorrows. Then I prayed, helped others, and love was restored to me. I even lost a sister in May 2019; but I know I have to live on, and appreciate everyone I have left. They must be all the more appreciated. Loss is only temporary, you have the rest of your life to move on. It starts now!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2020):
 There is no magic amount of time for you to "get over" her. She was for 10 years a VERY big part of your life and she stabbed you unexpectedly in the back - those are not things you will forget. Ever.
They will be part of your life from now on. Of course OVER time it will and eventually you will find that you think of her less and at some point you will come to realize that shit can happen to anyone.
And at some point you will find that FORGIVING her (and no you don't have to TELL her that she is forgiven, that is something you do within yourself, so to speak) will help you let go. But that won't happen until you are ready and OP, no one can tell you when that will be.
I'd probably NOT go on dates until you have come to a point where you no longer think about her when you wake up and when you go to bed. Don't treat the "next" women like she is somehow responsible for what you ex did. Or that women are ALL the same and thus the "next" one will betray you too. Because that isn't reality.
Keep moving forward, but DO improvements FOR you. Not to "spite" her (even though it HAS made you work hard on yourself up until now, it was a good motivation but it's NO longer about her). It's about you!
If you still have things of hers around the house, PACK them up. (if you can drop them off at one of HER friend or family member so you don't have to involve her.) If she picked out the wall colors or what not, CHANGE them, make YOUR home YOURS.
It would be NICE if you could just "erase" the memories, a la "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but we can't. SHE will always be a part of your PAST. But think about that for a minute. SHE will always carry around the fact that SHE did what she did to YOU. And she will probably have a HARD time finding someone AS good as she know you were/are. All in all THIS is more HER loss than yours.
But you DID lose someone who WAS a big part of your life and that is OK to miss, to have anger, to feel betrayed etc. It's GRIEF. Grief for the future that didn't happen.
Work through it.
The five stages of grief are:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
Everyone process end of a relationship/marriage/grief differently. And in their own time. BE ok with the process. If you FEEL stuck, maybe consider a therapist to help you move forward.
You are so young and have SO much living a life ahead of you. LIVE it. And live it well.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 February 2020):
 To think you should be over her by now is slightly naive. You were together for 10 years. Slightly less than half the time you’ve spent on planet Earth. Shared your most intimate details of life with each other and discussed future plans and expected to live them out. What is an acceptable period of time TO move past that? Who knows? There isn’t a set time, it might take 18 more months, it might take 5 more years but one day you will do. Something will switch up in your brain and you’ll be at ease and be able to finally let go and move on with your life.
You say she was a childhood sweetheart yet she betrayed you in the most cowardly way possible. Tore your heart out and then expected to be able to reconcile with you, no chance! You are doing well, you’re focusing on the right things here, your job and your health. Keep at it. It sounds cliche and you’re probably sick of hearing It but just concentrate on 1 day at a time. If you think of her then so be it, there’s no magic fix for that. You shared many good times together so you will remember them fondly, there’s nothing wrong with that so don’t beat yourself up over it. Just remember the main thing here, that she betrayed you and that she WAS NOT the one. If she was then you would still be together now.
ACCEPT what has happened, it sounds like you still have many conflicting feelings here and that’s why you can’t let go still. You’re frustrated, angry, upset, wondering how she could do such a thing to you. The answer is because she didn’t care as much as you thought she did. Remember that also as it enables you to see that there is someone else out there who will love and respect you at all times and won’t give in to the temptation of sexual desire elsewhere. When you accept and acknowledge everything you can let go of everything.
You aren’t doing anything wrong here, you are plodding along at your own pace. If you feel really down about this then you could see a therapist, maybe talking to someone face to face can help you release all of these pent up feelings once and for all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): My advice to you on your first post stands and I urge you to look back at the replies because I recall there was a lot of good advice.
Here's one thing from this post I want to say to you, what is stopping you from admitting to ONE person you know how you really feel? I think you are very candid and insightful about your feelings which is a good thing and clearly the advice must help you in some way.
But to me you're doing a classic man's response and not being open to those closest to you. Would you not benefit from confiding in one person be it a friend or close relative how you feel, what is it about doing that what holds you back?
I think the more you accept your feelings and work through them you will start to move on, but I have to wonder if letting just one person you trust know how you still feel would help you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Here's what you need to do to move on.
Accept that you wife is human and that humans make mistakes.
Her mistake wasn't leaving you, but the way she did it and how she, like a yo-yo, expected just to get back to her old life with you when she felt like it.
You cannot filter things.
You have to accept both the good and the bad, because that's what the person is - ALL things, not just one.
So when you feel nostalgic, you feel nostalgic for the "good old days", BUT they are not the only days that you had.
For some reason, you were not enough for her and she cheated (if that is what you mean when you say disloyal).
When you put things the way I'm putting them right now, how can you miss that person?
You are missing an idea... how good it felt to have someone you love share your life with.
And you can have that again, with someone else.
You need to keep her out of your life. Do not answer her calls/messages/mails.
I know it is hard, but you need to think about yourself and protect your peace of mind.
Accept that the thoughts will come and go. The key part is to LET THEM GO and not dwell on them. This is where you have a choice. You cannot control what comes into your mind, but you can chose which thoughts you want to expand and which you want to replace.
It takes time and practice, but it works. The more you do it the easier it will be.
The problem with the post-break up period is that you are not ready to start dating yet and your mind keeps playing the same old film and you have zero material to replace it with.
Keep working on yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, learns new skills, meet new people and make new friends. Volunteer someplace, it will not only make you feel useful but it will make you think about somebody else.
When we grieve we tend to be self-centered. Same goes for people who are suffering from anxiety or depression. moving the focus from oneself onto somebody else really helps.
Trouble with high-school sweethearts is that at that age we do ,not know what we want and need. So we experiment and look for boundaries. She felt comfortable with you, but she had some other needs as well. The bad thing is that she wasn't honest about it. But that's on her.
It will get better with time BUT ONLY if you work on it, otherwise you will get bitter.
Had you been a really match for each other, she wouldn't have left. So she wasn't all that good for you.
The fact that you invested in that relationship speaks good things about you. But you should also reconsider if you have invested yourself too much for your own well-being and learn not to do it the next time.
Have you thought about going to therapy?
It can be really helpful!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): First, the wisest and most practical way to end the undesirable thoughts and memories is, forgive her, in your heart, for what she did against you! This forgiveness is only between you and GOD, and ask HIM to end your burden! When you eliminate your grudge against her, you let go of her completely. Up until now, the grief, hurt, and anger have kept you attached to her, like an umbilical cord between a mom and newborn baby. Cut that cord via forgiveness! Continue to ignor her like you have been doing. Then when you cut the cord that has kept you attached, begin dating to find the girl who is right for you, who you can establish a mutual love relationship with. Please do not let your ex wife blind you to the fact that there are many many good, loyal, and loving women out there, who would love to make a life with a good, kind, and faithful man! I shall pray for your happy future, my Friend!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (12 February 2020):
You are not going to get over someone you loved for 10 years in 18 months. That’s especially true if there was some sort of betrayal involved in the break up. Because it feels like there is some sort of unfinished business.
Keep doing what you are doing and maybe start to think about dating again. Just let the women you ask out know you’re not looking for anything serious right now.
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