A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi allSo my boyfriend of 3 years really confuses me and upsets me at sometimes the most smallest things.He's working this Saturday and I am not. After work on Friday he asked " can I take your laptop at wok tomorrow so I can watch the football on my lunch hour?" .I said no because I'm off Saturday and need the laptop to do things on all day.He started kicking off saying that I never let him borrow it, which is not true. In the past I've let him take it to work a couple of times to watch the football. He carried on to tell me that I can use the interest on my phone if I need to and that I'm being selfish. During this whole time he's shouting at me and calling me names. He said that I'm lazy and I probably won't even use the laptop on sat. He started getting very verbally abusive and said he didn't want to talk to me all night. He said it's not fair that he has to go to work on a Saturday and not be able to watch the football while I stay at home and relax doing what I need to do on the laptop. Just to clarify, it's my laptop that my dad gave me on my 21st birthday. I tried explaining the to him how I felt bit he didn't want any of it. He spent the whole night not talking to me. For I needed to ask a question about dinner he would abruptly give me a short answer. And cause he was angry he kept banging this and getting angry whenever he moved.We went to sleep not talking. I feel like when he doesn't get what he wants then he gets verbally aggressive and it's hard reasoning with him. When he woke up this morning to get ready for work, he shouldn't sarcastically " can I take the laptop to work then?".. this woke me out of my sleep. He said " you heard me".. I said " no especially after the way your treating me'.. he got super aggressive again, banged things that he was using when putting them down and said I as a selfish horrible person. He then went on to say" can I borrow your tablet then?"I said "no, not after how you've treated me and made me feel".. he started calling me names and said to not contact him via text or calls at all today. That he's talking to me..I said " why would I want to be with someone who's treating me the way you treating me".. he stormed out the house to work going " well maybe you won't be with me for long then!"I don't know what to do, he gets like this when he doesn't get him way.its really wearing me down. I always feel so unhappy. The thing that confuses me is he can be so nice and loving at times.i don't even know anymore if I'm the one in the wrong or even how to feel.What should I say to him when he comes home from work? What if he texts me from work being horrible? Any advice on this situation? Thank you
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 He is behaving like a child, you may be with him a long time and you see the good side to him, but this is a dangerous side, which could get out off control very quick and lead to much more aggressive behavior. I think you need to talk to him when he is calm and tell him you are not gunna allow him to treat you like that, tell him he needs to get his anger sorted or you will be walking away. My guess is that he was spoilt as a child, always got what he wanted and therefore now he is carrying on like a spoilt brat. He needs to see that it is not okay to treat you like this.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 August 2016):
 You want advice about how to handle his behaviour, but tbh I don't understand why you'd want to handle it to begin with !
Of course it's wearing you down. 3 years like this, and you are still hanging on there ? you are very devoted- and very resilient .
Should you be ? I don't think so.
What he is doing is serious. Seriously disrespectful, and seriously manipulative. Basically, when he does not get what he wants he tries to wear you down through verbal abuse, physical intimidation ( banging things, aggressive stance ) or, at best, cold shouldering you.
Translation : he is a bully. And a spoiled brat.
Are you sure that his redeeming qualities are enough for you to put up with this crap ?.... Uhmmm.... Think about it seriously.
You say that generally he is nice and loving- when everything goes his way and when he does not want anything from you that you won't give him. Uh big effort. Well, of course! You are his gf, why should not he be nice and loving ? Nice and loving is normal for a partner- if there isn't love and kindness- and respect- then he would not be a boyfriend, more just a guy who is still there to avail himself of free sex and maid services.
The problem is that he should act nice - or at least, since everybody can have bad moods - decent, reasonable and not abusive even when you don't do all he wants !
I hope I am wrong, very wrong, but this to me has all the markings of becoming an abusive relationship. One starts mistreating inanimate objects and banging things when he feels cranky- and then proceeds to the next stage , mistreating the partner directly.
Just out of curiosity - how come he is such a bum ?! Why does he have to borrow your laptop ? Why hasn't he got his own ? Or a tablet at least ?... I mean, OK- he is very young, I suppose, your age or just a bit older. But, I am not asking : How come at 22 he has not got his own HOUSE. Or his own car.
It's a laptop, for crying out loud- if he gets a second hand one ,with a really modest amount of money he could get to watch all the sports he wants without bothering anybody !
P.S. I don't take back any of my advice and I still think you should not invest your time on him... but, generally speaking, compromise works best in any situation- and generosity too. I understand how , naturally, you wanted to punish him, or at least not reward him, for being nasty to you- but , you could have avoided this. You own both a laptop and a tablet, right ? Well, then why didn't you tell him, when he asked first ," No, you can't have the laptop, but you can borrow the tablet ? "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016): 3 years of this abuse?
Walk away... Let him grow up and realize this is NOT acceptable
You can do better and be happy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Do you think his behavior is OK for a GROWN man? He isn't exactly 5.
YOUR LAPTOP, your choice.
I'm wondering how you handled this in the past, because my guess is , this is pattern for him?
Have you usually given in?
The getting "stroppy" with you is HIS way of trying to manipulate you into giving him whatever he wants or doing whatever he wants. Kind of like how some kids manipulate their parents at the check out by screaming for candy till mom/dad gives in to shut them up.
HE KNOWS you feel horrible for saying no. He KNOWS it ruins your day. AND he doesn't CARE - his SOLE focus is HIM and HIS wants and wishes.
I'm sorry he will NOT change, nothing you can do or say will make him realize or accept that he is WRONG in treating you this way.
SET boundaries. DO NOT not accept that kind of behavior. TELL him that YOU are allowed to tell him NO with regards to YOUR personal effects. Tell him that you will NOT accept him verbally abusing you with crap when he doesn't get his way...
However... this IS who he is. So... it's really up to you if you will accept this or not.
As for calling or texting you to pour on some abuse... I'd hang up telling him it's not acceptable to talk to you that way. If he texts smack, tell him that you will not reply if he can not "talk" to you in a respectful manner.
If you HAVE to put him on "silence" if he doesn't respect that.
YOU need to learn to stand up for yourself.
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