A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is older than I am. It seems like he loves me very much but yesterday, I found out that he slept with a couple of some who were in their forties when he was about twenty years old ( he slept with them at different times). This really hurt me. I cried when he told me yesterday, and I have been crying today. I cant understand why he didn't tell me sooner, and I think that what they did was disgusting. He said they were one night stands, and he had a lot of alcohol. I don't know how to get this out of my mind, and I don't know if I should stay with him. I have Asperger's Syndrome and depression and anxiety, so that makes things even worse, and which is why I find a lot of things confusing.What do you think about it ?. He said he wanted to get everything out in the open and be honest with me, bit he has also been saying that he doesn't want me to keep talking about it and if I do, he will break up with me and just be friends. Do you think he feels ashamed of what he did, or do you think he was boasting about it?. He can't expect me to not have questions about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Cindy, why do people say that no one should go out with an autistic or mentally ill person, but no one says that people shouldn't go out with someone in a wheelchair, or any other physical disability??!.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Well thank you, Cindy. Our relationship has now ended. I ended it. And I hope my life will soon too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): why would a 40 something year old woman would have casual sex with a 19/20 year old, instead of someone older and more mature?. They are barely an adult at 19/20 years old. Are they desperate, immature ?. I can understand a young man finding an older woman appealing, but why does the older woman find someone that age appealing, and also, why do people have only casual sex in the first place, and not a relationship?.As I said, my boyfriend knows all about the mental health problems, being in hospital, and my Asperger's, and he said he loves me for who I am. I have something better than those women. He actually loves me, but didnt love them, and I am the one that he chose to be with.I didnt say that everyone has to lose their virginity at age 27. I just think that sex should be with someone that you love and know very well, and someone you can trust. As I said, sex with strangers is stupid and very dangerous and risky, and they might not be who they say they are. If you have only known them one night, you dont know much about them, and what they tell you when they first meet you might not be the truth. There is also the risk of stds.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): He said that he smoked pot sometimes when he was younger and tried cocaine once, but he doesn't do any drugs now at all. He smokes and still drink, but doesnt drink as much as he used to . He had problems with his liver years ago, and that made him cut down on the drinking. He is 50 now.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 You proved my point excellently, OP. You don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot. You jumped up as if you had your buttocks stung by a swarm of wasps , when I suggested.. the unfortunate truth : that lots of people see mental disabilities ( and ex mental hospital patients , ) like something creepy , offputting,...disgusting. Going all over the place with things that are not germane to the issue, which was not " Asperger is not such a bad thing " or " Aspies are good people "- that's neither here nor there.
The point is that there are,alas, as many people who find Aspies unpalatable as people who finds cougars unpalatable; probably more.
It does not feel good, does it, when they remind you that there ARE people - mean people, judgemental people, uninformed people ,sure - anyway there actually ARE plenty of people who would shame your bf for being with YOU . Same as you shame him for having frolicked with older women, 20 or so years before you appeared on the scene .
Think OP: So what if you are intelligent, witty and caring ? For all you know those women could have been intelligent, witty and caring too . Just with a different sexual moral than yours. So how come that " everybody is different ! " is OK only when you say it and when it applies to you, to justify your unusual thought processes, but does not apply to people with unusual ( in your personal opinion ! ) sexual habits ?
Just because you lost your virginity at 27 and never had casual sex , then there's a rule for the rest of humanity that everybody must lose their virginity at 27 and stay away from casual sex ? ! Then what happened to " everybody is different " ?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 People do stupid things when they are young. Some mistakes are costly that have life long consequences. Such as alcoholism and drugs. True that neurotypical people have the same probability of getting mental health issues. I would say for people in the autism spectrum, they thrive in a peaceful and routine life. The unlucky thing is that they are easy targets for abusive people.
I didn't hear the whole story, not that I am interested in it. The worst scenario is that he was dealing with drugs. That can be a deal breaker for me. We all have the freedom to live our lives, to experiment, but with a limit though.
That was more than 20 years ago. Whether he would relapse (that's only assuming he was an addict from a while ago), it depends on how he's acting now. Also there were 2 women, so it's possible that they had a threesome. From your post I can see that your relationship is more than a few months old. You can gradually see his true colors. Most people can love and be sweet for the first year or so, yes even for abusive people. Whether you want to wait it out and see, is up to you.
We can only guess what happened. When he didn't want to explain more, it's because it felt like interrogation when it shouldn't be. You just thought he was hiding stuff. Just from what you wrote though, I didn't see anything particularly sinister. I don't drink myself but getting drunk is very common. I don't think he was scarred from that experience at all. If he's regularly getting drunk at age 40, then yes I would dump him. It should be a phase that people got over already.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): It doesn't matter if he was 20 that's still an adult, it's all still legal and it still isn't wrong. You want to believe that they took advantage of him and it was bordering on being illegal because he was drunk and very young, but lots of men at that age do it. It's perfectly normal. Yes drink was involved but people that age do tend to drink a lot socially and end up having one night stands. Ok so it isn't something you find very appealing and it isn't on your moral compass but it's still quite normal.Remember the movie The Graduate? young men find older women appealing. I'm 31 and wouldn't want to sleep with a man who was 20, it's not something I'm interested in but it still isn't something that would bring me to tears and make me feel so disgusted by if my partner told me he had done this. You are over reacting about it, even if something is putting you off your boyfriend and makes you think it was all a bit seedy , crying and sounding angry about it is over the top. As others have said if your boyfriend went on to date somebody else and told them his ex had mental health issues and was autistic they very well may be put off by that. I know people with Asperger's are very witty and highly intelligent but there are other aspects to it that people find difficult to deal with.If you have experienced stigma associated with your health issues or you've ever felt judged because of who you are then maybe you should try to let this go and not judge your boyfriend so harshly from things he's done in the past. If he treats you well then I think you may seriously regret ending things over this. It's hard to find a partner who treats you well so it's pretty pointless getting upset about things he did before he ever met you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): I think that the age thing is just something you are blaming, and the real issue here is your jealousy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): What is a reasonable reason for a woman in her 40's to take advantage of a 19/20 year old?. She was older, and should have had more sense. 19/20 is barely an adult. It would have been ok if he had been in his mid twenties or older, and more mature. And why would someone in their 40's act like a teenager and get really drunk?.The area I live in is known as a rough area, so it made me wonder if these woman are rough. He also said that he wasn't sure if they were married, and even went in to detail about one woman, saying that she had to guide him when they had sex because he didn't know what he was doing.We have only just started becoming sexually active with each other (we havent had intercourse yet), and I was with some abusive partners before I got with him, so no wonder i am emotional. I list my virginity at 27 years old. I have only had sex in relationships.People with autism aren't just how you describe them. They are intelligent,witty and caring. I also think its wrong to say that there is " nothing right upstairs". Our brains just work a bit differently, and what is normal anyway??. Everyone is different. Also, I am not racist at all!.My issue was more to do with my boyfriends age at the time, and the fact that there was a lot of alcohol. I also cant see the sense in going to a strangers home. It is dangerous and risky. You dont know if they are who they say they are.He also lied at first. A few months ago, he said that older woman used to ask him to go home with them, but nothing happened. Then, he said that he went home with two women, but didnt say how old they were. I assumed they were the same age. It was only now that he told me that he DID keep with older women, and I'm not sure, but with some things he said, it sounded like it happened more than twice. He said his friends kept pressuring him to do it , which I think is a lie, because he could make his own mind up. He also said that he didn't know what was going to happen when he got to their houses. Again, I think that sounds like a lie, what did he think would happen??. So again, another issue is that it doesn't seem like he is being completely honest and straight with me. He did say that he wanted to get everything out in the open.I have been in hospital in the past for my mental health issues. It hasn't been was. I think it is neurotypical people that can be "not well" sometimes, not just people with autism. They all can have strange/different behaviour that people don't like/aren't used to. Life isn't easy at all. The world can be a very confusing place. Did you know that some people can be emotionally scarred from one high stands too??.I do think that my bf and I have different views on sex, and it is a compatibility issue. But at the same time, it does look like he thinks the world of me when we are together.He even said that my disability doesn't bother him, and he loves me for being me.I will need to have a good think about this relationship.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2016):
I think some posters are , intentionally or not, missing the point. The OP is not disgusted by the fact that her bf engaged a couples of times in casual sex ; she is disgusted by the fact that casual sex happened with older women. It ìs the age difference that she finds " disgusting ".
Otherwise , - why adding a qualifier ? Why not just saying " I am disgusted that my bf had a couple of drunken hook ups ? ". Why specifying the age, - and not the hair colour, or the weight, or the zodiacal sign, of these two women ??! If she mentioned the age thing , it must be because it is relevant to the issue as THE thing she has a problem with. Not , or not mainly , the drunken hook ups per se - but , the hook ups with older women.
Fine , OP - be as disgusted as you like, after all if it's such a visceral, knee jerk reaction, there's not much you can do about it.
Just, keep in mind that , as lamentable as this may be, there's a lot, really a lot of people who have the same visceral , knee -jerk reaction in front of mental health issues- even in a relatively mild form like high functioning autism. There's a lot of people who would never consider a person like you an acceptable partner, due to an instinctive ,irrational wariness bordering with, well, yes, revulsion. Which they do not express as openly as you do because they put filters to their discourse which you don't.
Don't judge if you don't want to be judged. Don't point fingers if you do not want fingers pointed at you.
If your conscience, your values, or your instincts make this episode in your bf's past a total dealbreaker, well, so be it- then break up with him. Otherwise , if you decide to stay- he is right: drop the subject immediately. You are not obliged to stomach his past promiscuity or age-blindness, then again he is not obliged to stomach your prejudices and mental " confusion ".
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 This is a prime reason why going into detail about a sexual past is a bad idea. He was under no obligation to tell you earlier because it was before the two of you were together. A sexual history is something everyone has, even if the sexual history is one of a virgin. You didn't mention whether or not you were with anyone before you were with him, but your choices are your choices independent of him, and likewise, any choices he made are independent of you.
I'm curious as to why you are disgusted and very upset, and the idea of him sleeping with older women causes you to cry for an extended period of time.
His sex with them was consensual on both sides, and both the women and he had one night stands. There's nothing disgusting about it. In 10 years, you will be in your 40's. Will it be disgusting for him to have sex with you?? Not at all!
You need to come to terms on his right to have a past. He committed no crimes. I would understand your disgust if he shared a story of having sex with a 13 year old girl, or if he committed some other crime or deception towards someone, but both he and they were adults and willing participants. No one took advantage of anyone else.
I understand your need for questioning, because now, you're obsessed with what he told you. But your boyfriend is reacting to your repetitive questioning over and over of something that happened over 10 years ago (I'm guessing that it was more like 20 years ago based on the fact that you mentioned that he is older than you). People hardly remember what happened 20+ years ago, and he's with you now! Those one night stands are mere faded shadows, and he wants to focus on his relationship, physical and emotional, with YOU.
You have to decide right here and now if you can live with knowing his past. If you can't live with it without constantly bringing it up or obsessing over it, then he's right - you do need to break up because no relationship can withstand that kind of pressure in it.
But if you CAN accept that he's had a past, then you need to decide, and keep deciding every day that you don't need to know any more about it. No more details about them, or about him, or about the sex, or about the places or clothes or circumstances or their names. You don't need to go tracking them down on social media or devote one more brain cell to these past shadowy figures that chances are he can't even remember their names anymore!
It's your choice. But what he did does not merit your disgust any more than you being younger than him should merit anyone else's disgust. If you feel out of balance and believe this is because of depression or Asperger's, then by all means speaking to your doctor can only help you greatly. He's told you nothing for which you should be upset about. He's done nothing wrong in your relationship. Do not emotionally hurt him or withhold from him because his only "crime" was being honest with you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Many people have had these type of situations in their past relationships. I think you should focus on and remember that they are in his past, and things didn't last long or work out with them for a reason. You are his future, so try not to let it bother you or overthink it too much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Your boyfriend is a guy. Guys sleep with older women, younger women. Women, period.
He did all this before you were in the picture. This is important to remember.
So, you will have to decide if you think what he did before you came along should have any significance or effect on your relationship with him today.
In my opinion, what he did before you should stay there. It has nothing to do with your relationship right now. And if you start to nit pick at this kind of a thing, your relationship will surely start to deteriorate.
How would you like it if he judged you on your past before he came along? What is done is done. If he cheated on you now, then you would have reason to be upset. But he hasn't.
You can't rationalize away everything. At that time, he did what he did. It is not who he is. It is not a reflection of poor character. And should not impact your feelings for him. None of that. He had urges. That is all. It is a time and place thing. Does not mean he will do it again or that is what he does all the time. And to be disgusted, well, I think that is a very extreme and poor reaction. To many guys in their 20s, women who are older are actually quite attractive and confident. So, it is very easy and natural for younger men to find these women interesting and sexually appealing. Just so you know, there is nothing disgusting about that. Perhaps you might be a touch envious of them for some reason?
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 May 2016):
I don't think this is an issue of ageism but more like it felt like a mother son relationship. It's the pedo factor, the incest factor that made it disgusting for you.
We women in our 40's are still attractive, full of life and passion. I am sure you will be that way too 10 years later.
If the women were married, then yes you have reasons to be concerned. Otherwise they are cougars and just want to have fun after they spent years being busy soccer moms. If you read the other post today there is a young guy who's interested in a woman 13 years older because he doesn't like the "blonde bubble heads" he met in college. I guess it is common for age gap relationships to happen because needs are met from both sides. While the 40+ year old guys with middle age crisis would love to get with a blonde bubble head, young guys are more attracted to more mature women.
If he had to boast, it would not be in front of you, but it would be a kind of guy talk. I think he talked about it the same way he would talk about the foreign trips he went to. It is just part of his life story and not all of who he is. That's what couples do. Most people talk about past relations with light heartedness, curiosity, maybe some feel a bit of jealousy but definitely his story is not something that would bring people tears.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): It's never a good idea to tell your partner all about your sexual past, unless you have an std, it always causes trouble in my experience!I know a little bit about Asperger's so I understand you find people confusing, I don't think you can help thinking this way about the situation. However you need to make a really big effort to understand that what your boyfriend did wasn't wrong, disgusting or abnormal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact he slept with women of that age.I dated a guy who was in his 40's when I was in my 20's and it certainly wasn't disgusting. He looked great, he was very fit, fitter than me actually! I didn't find him any different physically than a man ten or twenty years younger than him.Just a couple of examples of women in their 40's are Amy Adams, Alyson Hannigan, Drew Barrymore, Isla Fisher. Yeah I know they are all famous but they look young! I know women in their 40's who do too. I don't know if anything any of us say to you will change the way you feel about it. He wouldn't be unreasonable to end the relationship if you kept questioning him about it or you got irrationally emotional about it all as he hasn't done anything wrong. He shouldn't have a hard time or be shamed about his sexual past, he hasn't hurt anybody and shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. So it's completely up to you to let it go, if you can't he's not going to stick around, how would you feel if it ended over this? What's worse to you? This feeling of disgust or your relationship ending?I have experience of being shamed for my sexual past, even though I don't really have a heap of sexual partners from my past. I can tell you now that the disgusting feeling you have isn't half as bad as being made to feel like some kind of pervert and being made to feel ashamed of yourself. .I sympathise with the illnesses that you have but his mind is just as important as yours. Being made to feel shame isn't doing him any good either is it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Having a relationship with someone much younger is one thing, but getting drunk and having a one night stand and taking advantage of someone is completely different.People with high functioning autism are intelligent, witty and caring.It is some NT people who act weird , not just people with disabilities. Their brains just work a little differently, but then, everyone is different. There is no such thing as "normal".But it isn't right to take advantage of people.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): You and your BF have different values about sex.
Treat it as a compatibility issue, not a moral one.
You will get more sympathy about this from men than women, on average. It's a very common emotion for men to have when their GF/wife has a promiscuous history. But we are pressured & shamed into hiding it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 May 2016):
Frankly, I think this must be your Asperger's talking.
" Dear Cupid, I am a 45 y.o. woman and I am very upset because I found out that my bf had a couple of one night stands with women who were on the autism spectrum, i.e. insufficient in cognitive development, and / or with mental health problems ( anxiety and depression ". I am so upset and DISGUSTED ! How could he sleep with women with mental health disabiitues ?! Why didn't he tell me before ? "....
How would YOU feel reading something like this ?
And, mind you !, although there 's still some prejudice against age gap relationship where the woman is older- there's still MUCH, much more prejudice against people who " aren't totally right upstairs ": so yes, your relationship might be called " disgusting " by people just because you are not completely mainstream / do not do completely mainstream neurotypical things : I really wonder how would you like it if the shoe were on your foot , and believe me , sooner or later, it's bound to happen .
You seem to not realize that what you wrote is just the same as if you had written: I am so disgusted, I just fund out that my bf slept in the past with two Black or Asian chicks.
I don't think the mods would have let your post pass, in that case.
But racism is not cool obviously - while apparently ageism is OK and people can use age to disparage and demean other people , being very glib and casual about it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2016):
 What is so disgusting about him having ONS with older women?
Why should he feel ashamed? Because of their ages? or.. because he had casual sex?
I honestly don't think their ages matter. While I'm NOT a fan of ONS/casual sex - I think (which might be harder for you) that WHAT he did BEFORE he met you is IRRELEVANT. It's part of his past. No amount of you being disgusted or upset or wanting to KEEP talking about it CAN change the fact that HE CHOSE (drunk or not) to have casual sex with some women, who ARE not you.
Do I think he is boasting? No. Do I think he is ashamed, I don't think he should be. He might feel a little shame because YOU ARE SHAMING him.
My advice? Decide if this a deal-breaker or not. If it is, let him go. Go back to being friends.
If it's not, then LET IT go, accept that he HAS a sexual past, he has TOLD you about it and there is NOTHING you (or he) can do or say that will change it.
I think you are being unreasonable in your expectations. HE doesn't OWE you a detailed list of his previous sexual experiences. He really doesn't. And YOU asking him MORE questions will NOT solve this for you. Shaming him will NOT solve this either. It's it's something you can't let go off, then MAYBE he just isn't for you.
He did what he did and THAT is that. Either YOU can accept it or you can't.
What I DO think you can expect, is that HE (as well as you) GO have a STD panel done so you BOTH know the other is "clean" of STD's.
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