A
female
age
36-40,
*jw86
writes:Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now on and off (longest break was a month). Am going through a difficult, heart wrenching time right now because I know it's the end but I find it hard to let go. Firstly, when we met, he was not my type at all, we seemed so different, then as time went on, we seemed to get on really well, after our first year, I noticed it, he has a anger problem, and it comes out when he has had a drink, in the two years he has : put a hole in my bedroom door : threw my door keys on the roof : wished me dead : text me saying I was ugly and the latest he has spat in my face, I know I seem like an idiot to stay but when he is good, it's really really good, but when it's bad, it's to the extreme, we split up for a month after he spat in mu face, that was below the belt and i stood my ground and was strong,but he was persistent and I was finally moving on, when he started texting me lovely things, buying me flowers and even went to anger management (although he only attended 2 classes, once I took him back he stopped them). I think I've nagged him so much tho because he is 28, lives at home with his parents and does not have a stable job and an 26 now and at the point in my life where I want to commit and I'm angry at myself for giving it another go because he tells me stuff I want to hear and I risk the the dissapproving looks of my fam and my friends are dissapointed in me, and for what?? he promises the world to me one minute, then it's like he doesn't really care the next. I love him, but am scared to let go, had he knocked my confidence that much that I feel like I won't cope, he also put me off going with anyone else, he says anyone I get with will cheat, but he won't coz he seen his mum hurt after his had happened to her so he would never do that to me, to be fair he doesn't go out much with his mates though so its not like he party's or anything, when I tell him am still hurt about the past and it's not helping that he still has his horrible moments now, he jus says where both th blame and I push him to do it, he wants me when I finally stand my ground but when I give in he not as bothered, I'm in a horrible mess where I want him to go, but then I'll miss him, thanks for reading this x
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confidence, flowers, lives at home, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Well, I'm glad you have your own place.
What concerns me, however, is that he's still up to his old tricks and is clearly NOT taking your seriously, nor willing to accept that it's over.
This is demonstrated by his telling you that "it will be alright" and he'll phone you in a couple of days. Not to mention telling you he "loves and misses you." Yeah, right.
If he DOES call in a couple of days, I sincerely hope you will tell him once more that the relationship is at an END, and he is not to contact you any more from then on. No ifs ands or "buts." Having said that, give him about 30 seconds to respond and make sure he understands you mean what you say. Then hang up. Whatever you do, do not permit him to get into an argument about it! If you have to change your phone number, DO IT! If you need to change the locks where you live so that if he comes round and has keys, he can't get in - and if he does come knocking on your door, don't open it - call the police if he attempts to break the door down!
This man is seriously bad news. He may not actually be capable of murder, BUT for your own safety you should think that he MIGHT be and therefore protect yourself accordingly.
A
female
reader, Tjw86 +, writes (5 September 2012):
Tjw86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I told him as he was leaving that we are not right for each other and how Im suck of worrying what will happen next, he kissed me and told me not to worry as everything will be ok soon and that he loves me do much, he rang me just before he got in the plane saying he lives me and will miss me and will call me in couple days, I said "are you not taking me serious? Or do you think am all talk because I always take you back" he says he knows am serious and things will be different soon, he is all talk, how can he be happy in this situation either, I know he has dine things out of temper in the past but I know he is not capable of murder, I should just shut up when we argue though coz that seems to make him worse and wind him up, I promise he has never hit me, it's just what he do e in the past and his poison tongue, I am leaving him though, it's more hasstle then it's worth and i jus need to face it that it's over, and be strong, ill just be distant eith him when he comes back to England and hopefully it will phase out without the dramatics, I live in my own place and he lives with his mum do I made sure he took anything of his yesterday when he was getting his suitcase just sI I have nothing in mine "he needs to get". I know the routine, he will come home and be all over me s d show the best side of him that always wins me back, but unfortunately for him I've wised up, Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say? Well not in my case, coz ever since he got on that plane to go away I honestly feel do much better already.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 September 2012):
Wait a minute!
Are you about to move out and find somewhere else to live now that he's started on his vacation? Or have you already got a place lined up? I sure hope so, because for him to be gone five days isn't very long!
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A
female
reader, Tjw86 +, writes (4 September 2012):
Tjw86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the people who replied.I told him Everything and how am feeling last night and he kind of sulked and went to bed alone. I followed 5 minutes later we slept in the same bed together and it was so awkward, he has lost his phone, and I'm currently looking for a new job so I suppose now would be the best time to break away, because he is going on a lads holiday tonight for 5 days.I'm thinking I should change my number then, he is on his way now to get his suitcase and I need to be strong, this will be the last time I will see him, I'm trying so hard not to cry. I'm thinking when he comes back, he won't have no way of contacting me because I'll have new number and since I'm currently not working he won't be able to come to my work find grovel. I told him last night to do whatever he wants on this holiday (meaning girls) and he seemed upset by what I said, like it's lady thing on his head, but now I feel sick to the stomach because I know now he will be single after today and he doesn't care enough to stay, guess that was my problem all along, he never cared enough x x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 September 2012):
 You will only leave (for good) when your love for yourself becomes greater than your love for him.
Right now you are trapped, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially. He has total control and I am absolutely sure that he will NEVER let you go until you get completely serious about ending the relationship.
That said, you are going to need LOTS of help to do this and that is why we have in the UK multiple women's organisations and domestic violence units.
Domestic violence can include both verbal, contact and non contact violence...any kind of abuse or interferance with your personal rights and this includes abuse or interferance via a third party (such as if he got a friend to pursuade you to go back to him)
I know you are scared...and you should be. He could cause you severe mental damage (which I believe has already occured)physical damage (some women have been left blind, deaf, burned, scarred, paralysed, raped, infertile, genitally mulilated,decapitated, not to mention the black eyes, broken jaws and noses, arms legs and skulls) You think he isn't capable of this??? he absolutely IS.
He is even capable of killing you!!
It does not take much for these types of men to snap...prisons are filled to the brim with them and they all say the same thing:
'She made me do it'
The reality is that you are not scared of any of this because you think love will save you...IT WON'T...it isn't even real love...it's love with conditions...love with embargos...love under duress...and he is running the show.
It's going to be hard to get away from him, so you need to use the help available...the law is there to protect you and there is counselling to help you cope with the emotional side of things.
All that said, you might just think I am being dramatic (unfortunately I work in this field so I know how women are in these situations)
He's got to keep you in check and the more you resist, the harsher the punishment.
Work it out with him by all means, but the next time he punches something, it might be your face...
The next time he spits at you, it might be lighter fluid or battery acid...
But it's worth it,because you love him?...right?...
He'd never hurt you would he??
Maybe you will stay and wait to find out.
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A
female
reader, Romanilove +, writes (4 September 2012):
This isn't a healthy situation. Clearly, you want a stable relationship. He is not stable. He shows you 2 different sides of himself and your caught in the middle and thats not fair to you. The best advice I can give is to end things. You say he attended anger management classes but he stopped once you took him back. That shows that he wasn't serious about REALLY BETTERING HIMSELF. He used it as a tool to manipulate you into getting back with him. His good side only comes out when it's to his benefit. Also, NO ONE should put you down and tear your confidence. As you say he has done. As your boyfriend, he should be lifting up your confidence. You deserve to be in a happy fulfilling relationship, not a torment. Honestly, give yourself a break from this hell. Take time to figure yourself out and re-discover your self worth. During this time stop contact with him, it will be difficult because he will try to get you back. But realize that true love doesn't harm the way he is hurting you. Stop this cycle of emotional abuse. You deserve happier and better moods.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 September 2012):
Sounds as if there won't be much to miss, you know!
Your boyfriend is manipulative, violent, can't hold his liquor, insults you, is really nasty, wants his own way in everything and when you try to be nice, he just doesn't care.
These are all very bad signs!
You have to refuse to believe him when he tells you anyone else you go with will cheat; blames you for what goes wrong between the two of you. All this is for the birds!!
He just wants to keep you at his beck and call. You need to break up with him and to make it FINAL. NO MORE undermining your confidence! You WILL be able to cope - far better than you realize once you get him off your back!
I hope you'll tell him enough is enough and you and he are finished. Then block his email, block his calls, texts, delete him from Facebook, and if he tries coming to your apartment, don't open the door! If he has keys to your home
get the locks changed!
Seriously, you need him in your life like you need a millstone round your neck!
I hope I have encouraged you to make the break!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): U r a classic example of woman on the domestic abuse circle. Every abuser has the same profile of loses temper then be a period of buying flowers presents etc and as soon as u become comfortable he starts again. It's a repetitious cycle. The only way it will stop is when u get off. Women are killed everyday behind this. He had already wished u dead. Please get out now before he really causes u physical harm or death yes death. Each town has either a hot line or some form of help for women in this situation. Please for ur own safety GET OUT NOW! Best of luck 2 u. Stay safe.
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