A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am usually a very sociable person with lots of friends. Every few years I feel completely ostracised by some of the people I'm with - usually when I'm in a small group. This has happened since childhood and I'm in my 30s now. Especially when I'm part of a group of three good friends - I feel like the other two gang up on me and start to exclude me. I think I'm a really nice person but I am very sensitive to how other people treat me. Sometimes I feel like people gang up on me because I am the weakest link - but a lot of the time I feel completely paranoid that I've done something wrong. It's happening with two very good friends now. The vibe has changed. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells. They don't seem happy to see me, they plan things without me. I have asked one friend is she is ok and if I have done anything to upset her - she said that she was just upset and I happened to be in the firing line. It makes me very upset and paranoid and I start to question everything I do. It makes me feel very over-self aware and like nobody likes me. In the end, when this happens all I want to do is hibernate. What makes people treat me like this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 I often think that people suffer in this way because they have a submissive nature. You see it a lot with middle children who felt pushed out amongst their siblings or those who had over bearing parents and grew up repressing their feelings just to keep dominant parents or siblings happy.
It doesn't mean you are weak or inferior, it just means you are more sensitive to other peoples moods and tend to shoulder the blame yourself, rather than telling them they are being overly demanding or bossy.
My own mother was a good mum but had a bullying nature and took everthing as a personal attack. It was easier just to comply with her modds rather than question her aggressive, stressful behaviour and I used to take myself off to a quiet corner and withdraw until she was in a better mood. My sister used to front her and they would have huge explosive rows and if I got in the way, I often suffered the backlash even though I had been good and quiet and compliant.
This stays with you into adult hood and it's hard to shake off the sensitivity you feel to peoples outward displays of moodiness and anger. So many times you wish you could tell them to f**k off but you crave being part of the group and liked, so you just accept the shitty behaviour and beat yourslf up for not being good enough.
Often when we live like this, we lack confidence so we wait to be asked to participate in activities, never thinking of planning our own and inviting our friends, often we get left out because we seem easily upset or unmotivated.
I don't think your friends are going out of their way to push you out and upset you, you are just more sensitive to any changes so perhaps you can have a chat with them over a cup of coffee and explain how you feel with out blaming anyone. You might feel happier if they hear you out and tell them you want to be included in the loop because you enjoy their company.
Talk to them and if there ever comes a time where you get caught in the crossfire, try to let them know you wont tolerate it in future. It's never too late to find your voice.
Good luck xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): I just wanted to say that I have a very similar problem, which began in childhood. I am currently seeing a counsellor to try to figure it all out. so I can't help you much except to say that you are not alone with it, really it helped me to read your post and know that someone else has something similar happen to them, so I hope it helps you too.
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