A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a lot to ask, but it all leads up to, "When has the verbal abuse gone "too" far? My husband and I have been together for 8 years, we just recently got married this year. 8/2010. We are both mid 30's, and we each have 2 children. This is his second marriage, and my first. His ex-wife cheated on him, so he has "trust" issues, and I understand this...to a point. I never have cheated and never will. In my eyes, cheating is the worst thing anyone could do to another person. Yes I have been cheated on as well, it sucks, but I do not have the trust issues built up like he does. I trust him, and I wish he did me.Well, 3 months into this "marriage", we fight sooooo bad. Worse than we ever did before. And 99.99% of the time it's "my fault" cause in his eyes, I do nothing right anymore. And yes, the main arguement is about "sex". We used to have a great sex life, until he started getting upset and angry when I said no. Thats when our sex life did a total nose dive. Not sure how to really say this, but when I was younger, I had a few experiences I wish never would have happened, and would like to see those "men" pay for what they did to me and how they have damaged my feelings about sex.
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female
reader, Tine  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 If you have told your husband everything, then maybe i think he should give you a little lee-way where your sex life is concerned. And as he has unfortunatley been through the same trauma as you he should understand that these feelings just dont go away overnight. You need to see someone.
If he has trust issues with you and you hvaae not given him any reason for it, chances are you'll prob have to wait a little bit longer before his feelings start to fade.
Have you suggested going to counselling together as a couple and both as individuals?? I suppose really you haven't as much faith in doctors as you probably used to, but what about suggesting to be counselled by a female doctor. Has your husband ver spoke about his feelings you?? He may be frustrated and feeling emotional, which causes him to lash out and you just happen to be the first person close by.
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Abuse can affect you all your life. Some people think that they are in their comfort zone when they pick typically similar partners. Verbal abuse is just as traumatizing as physical abuse. It can damage your self worth. You have to be strong and stand up for yourself. This man is putting on you because he's found a weakness in you. as far as the Dr being involved why don't you sue him for the damage he did to you and your son. That would go a long way to pay for any counselling you may need. You will always measure men up anyway and may carry these deep seated feelings with you for the rest of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tine, yes he knows EVERYTHING. And sometimes what I get in return is, "It happened to me too"...which it did by his aunt when he was younger. He knows about what my "step-dad" did too. He helped me get FAR away from him...like 5 states away lol. He even knows I "found" one of these "pieces of shit" who touched me when was younger...was easy, he is STILL a Dr....yes even Dr's are perverts...I think the Dr is still shitting his pants
I found him and confronted him. Thru email, cause Dr is in Cali, i'm in Oklahoma. He didnt deny it, just blocked me from email and his website. But, I'm a believer in Karma....stupid asshole will get whats coming to him...twice...he touched my cousin also. She here with me in this state.
I do GREATLY appreciate all the feedback. This gets pretty "deep" with what has happened to me in my life.
I should write a book about it. One issue I am not sure I'll EVER get over is cause of all this, older men (10yrs+ older than me), gross me out, and im 35. The first touch was when I was 6, thats why I say that. And if ne1 thinking this question...YES I told my Momma. She "literally" almost killed the first man, and he WAS her best friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): I find his behaviour disturbing. He is obviously verbally abusive and has anger issues. He seems to act quite childish if he does not get his own way. What I find concerning is the sex issue, he knows about your past so should be extra sensitive towards it but sadly some men are just not, you are with one of those men. Counselling is the way, he really should go and get some help. His behaviour is not right and he the one who needs help. It is not going to get any better but worse.
I am with a man with anger issues, I have to keep on at him to get counselling but he is making an appointment and I hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Any Verbal Abuse is Too Much Verbal Abuse!!
Nobody deserves to be abused in any form.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Petina...It is nothing like that at all. When we first got together in 2002, we didn't have a "normal" dating type relationship. I felt, (and he said same thing), I had met my soul mate. It had just barely been 7 months since my mother had passed, and that was a VERY hard time in my life. We knew of each other for about 6 years or so before we "got together". His ex wife worked where I took my child to daycare at the time. So I would see him in normal daily passings and whatnot. I didnt show interest, although I was, cause he was a married man. I respected that. I am not that type of person. When we started talking, it was like I knew him forever. We are A LOT alike, which can be a very bad thing. Stubborn and willing to fight for what we want and love. Since we have been together, there really was no separating us. He helped me out of a very disturbing situation, and have pretty much lived together since 2002. Dont get me wrong, I love him to death. He accepted my boys and I and helped me thru my "step-dad" drama. He has 2 beautiful girls, which I have accepted from day 1 also. I have a wonderful relationship with the youngest, and did with the oldest till her mom took her and literally "hid" her from everyone. That is the ex-wife I spoke of. We had a wonderful sex life, and I do miss it. He opened my eyes in that area, and taught me how to "enjoy" it. Until I started getting pressured into doing things I didnt like, I DON'T like, and I never will like. We have always been open about what we wnat and dont want. So there was no enticing, or false pretenses about anything in our relationship. But, I am very prone to infection in the "female" area, as I have been all my life due to me being allergic to everything. So going from no sex, to A LOT of it, I'm sure you get the picture. So I had to say no at times, and then came the his anger cause he felt he was being "rejected". He knows EVERYTHING about my past. My oldest sons father, would hit me and do it anyways if I said no. I was 15-16 and very nieve. The hitting started in year 2, and I left very soon after it started. No woman deserves to be physically abuse for ANY reason whatsoever. Yes I was young, I agree, but we were together almost 2 full years, and he was my first EVERYTHING. Leaving that abuse was not easy, but it had to be done for the safety of my child and I. So that explains why I shut-down when he gets angry. But lately, he has quite a bit of hatred towards me along with the anger. And thats when I literally, do NOTHING right in his eyes.
I know I am literally spilling my guts, but I have had nobody to talk to this about. I agree, we do need counseling. But honestly, who can afford it? The economy is so bad right now, we barely make ends meet every month. There are also a couple issues I havent even mentioned that also have a impact on this situation. But ill stop here for the moment lol.
I apologize for the LONG response, but for good advice, you need to know the whole story. I am not saying i'm perfect. I can be a bitch, ill admit that. But take a walk in my shoes for a day or two.....did I mention my boys are 13 and 18....stinky teenagers.....LOL, but they are my life.
It does feel good to get some of this off my chest. Its been building for some time now.
I thank everyone for their advice, thoughts and all.
If there is anything you want to ask, please do. Atm, I need all the help I can get.
I just want honesty in your response, even if it is negative towards me. And I'll be honest as well.
Once again, thank you for your input.
:)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Here's a checklist that might help.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (29 November 2010):
He's probably wondering why you are refusing sex now after you are married and not before. He's bound to think it's something sinister because of his lack of trust. He could be thinking you are getting it elsewhere. Did you entice him in to marrying you under false illusions of him having a lovely sex life with you. I'm afraid you may have regretted not being honest with him before he married you about your feelings on these things. After all , how many men would want to marry a woman that refuses them. He has also brought his own insecurities in to the marriage as well. I would have thought after 8 yrs of seeing each other you might have had time to discuss all these issues. For this to work you both may need some marriage counselling. I can't see this getting better for you if you can't work your true feelings out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must apologize, I didnt get everything posted, so I'm sorry if this is a incomplete post. As I was typing, he got up and we had a fight. He kicked a box of garbage at me and spilled water on my laptop, all Because I didn't go to bed when he did. This past year, I have a hard time sleeping, and he gets mad if i'm not in bed when he is. I am going to see a Dr. about help with PMDD. That doesnt help this situaton any either. This is where the verbal abuse comes in. Here it s, 5am and he is throwing stuff, and screaming at me calling me the "C" word and woke up my 13 year old son cause he scared him. This happened Thanksgiving too.
This is just the beginning of what happens with us. He has said much worse things :(
I dont know what to do, but I do know, I am not sure how much longer I can take this.
Any advice???
Any ?'s you have, please ask if it will help with any advice anyone has to give.
Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, Tine +, writes (29 November 2010):
have you spoken to your husband about your past experiences?? If not he maybe thinks that your turning him down because you don't want him when really there are more unlying problems that make you not want ot have sex. Communication is one of the main factors of any relationship even more so, in a marriage. If you don't speak to him and tell him these things then how is he meant to know.
And with him having being cheated on in the past maybe he is drawing from past experience because he doesn't know any better. Your husband will completely understand once you let him in, it may save further arguments and will definitely bring you closer.
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