A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:Hello Aunts,I have a question that I feel I haven't been able to find an answer to because every way I try it I seem to be wrong:When is the right time to sleep with a guy after you have started going on dates. I used to start the physical part of the relationship (getting into bed with each other) really early on (like 2nd then I realized that none of my relationships were lasting past the two month mark. So then I was told maybe it's because the physical part starts to early and the guy loses interest.Well this past year the last two guys I have been with I waited at least till the 4th date or the second month to do any sexual activity other than kissing. And the frustrating part is neither of those relationships lasted past 3-4 months either. The frustrating part is that for the most part all of these guys in both groups have seemed to be very into me, showering with compliments and being sweet, and even after the first and second bedroom session saying how great I am. but then when it comes down to it after any sexual activity starts slowly my relationships with them fizzle. It makes me so sad because I like these guys and wish just one of them would stick, it's really hard to keep on starting over with each guy and having the relationship die out with no real explanation of why from the guy. He just stops calling and texting, and I am not type to confront the guy so I just hold my sadness in and try to get over it. How do I make just one of these guys not just be a 2-4 month relationship?Any advice? Thank you!!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (9 May 2013):
 It may work out better if you don’t put sex on the Menu for the first 4-6 months? (Then again, I’m real slow as I look for substance and it gives them a challenge.) Like we all know sex is readily available these days, but who wants regular mince when you’d rather wait for top grade steak?
Basically there are a number of patterns we fall into; e.g. desperate and dateless or treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen. (Not that I’m suggesting mean in a nasty fashion.) Therefore it’s the type of man you attract and or choose for you that could be the problem? Meanwhile when one acts all available like regular mince, (I’m not suggesting you do), what else is there to dine on later?
By the sounds of it you’d like a relationship, so keep things interesting, source out his intentions first and see if he has the values you’re after in a man before making the leap onto his lap. :) It’s still a hit and miss, no matter how long you choose to wait. Just try not to be governed by today’s society, pressure or desperation. You’ll be fine :)
Take Care – CAA
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2013):
There are TWO answers to this question....
1. Guys will say, "Shortly after the dinner he takes you to.... as soon as you and he can get out of the public eye.... in to someplace horizontal...."
2. Women will say, "After he has wined and dined and woo'ed you.... presented you with an engagement ring.... planned and gone through with the wedding... and, on the night of the wedding, THEN you can put out for him...."
Many/most of us fall somewhere in the middle... between those extremes....
Good luck...
P.S. I use the "4-date" rule, for the most-part....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): Hi, I'm in your age group...I've been rather successful in the dating world where I've ended up with a good partner and happy. I've had discussions with my friends about this, most still single at 30 (which isn't a big deal), and I try to be honest and upfront with them about what worked for me. They don't really listen and criticize my ways as too conservative...hmm.
Dating history:
Boyfriend 1 - Met him in April, now Sex till August. Ended up being an 8 year relationship. STAYED WAY TOO LONG THOUGH.
Guy 2 - I called him and chased him, slept with him after 6 weeks. Got dumped week 8.
Boyfriend 3 - Met in March, did not sleep with him till July. He was begging for me to be his GF. I left in SEptember for Europe and he would fly for long weekends to london or Glasgow to visit me (Crazy). We married 3 years later.
Okay 1. I never chased a guy. If I liked him, but he never approached me for a date, that would be as far as things would go. I missed out on alot of dates this way, but I figured if a guy was truly interested he'd be calling. The one time I did call a guy, ask him for a date and chase him, have sex with him after 6 weeks, I ended up being dumped and hurt within 2 months of calling and asking him out. So my rule was to never chase.
2. I always had very strong interests, hobbies and goals in my life that did not include a man. Educational goals took me to Europe, career goals took me to the US...I was always busy planning and improving my life. Each man new he wasn't the absolute center of my world.
3. Sex was the very last thing on the agenda...he had to court me and profess love before I even thought about sex. I was easy to reach for dates and I never played games. But sex just wasn't on the plate until he was committed and in love. I always pacified guys desire for sex, by saying I want to be friends first before anything happens. They would freak, as they wanted more then friendship, courted me, finally were upgraded to boyfriend and then sex happened.
4. I wasn't too picky about who I dated - as long as they had career potential and were hard workers. I ended up with quite educated me, but my husband isn't a millionaire by any means...he's working towards that. My friends on the other hand want a total package upfront...they won't give a student or someone starting their career a chance...but then Mr. Rich or Dr.Surgeon have so many women chasing them or have a difficult time settling down....not worth it again, unless he's the one courting you.
Hope this gives you some perspective. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2013):
 I don't think the having sex early is what's causing the end of the relationship. I have always been quick to be physical with guys I liked... some worked out (marriage) some did not...
I sense there is something else going on here...
what happens after you sleep with the guy...do you step up your desire to be in contact with him? that alone could be what's putting them off.
I will tell you I did not plan to learn this the hard way but the man who loves me more than any man ever has is my current husband. And he was able to fall for me, specifically because while we were being sexual I did not want anything serious with him. We actually talked about this after we were together and committed to our relationship and building our life together. He told me that had I WANTED him to care, he would not have been able to let his feelings grow for me. IT gave me great insight into what I've always been told, that men need to miss a woman to realize he loves her. AND it can't be faked or forced... that they will pick up without even realizing it.
Ever notice how the guys you DON'T want are the ones that want you? That's not a fluke. They sense you are a challenge and you would not smother them because you don't want them. Now once you "have them" then its ok to be a bit more demanding of their time and attention.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (9 May 2013):
 It's not necessarily to do with having sex early, there could be any number of reasons why things aren't working out for you, but it does often happen that things fizzle out quickly if you have sex early on. The second date is very early, but so is the fourth, and the second month. It might feel like a long time because you really like a guy and can't wait to sleep with him, but the fourth date isn't "waiting". That's just waiting until it's more socially acceptable (3rd date rule) to sleep with someone without being called easy. Usually guys want to have sex early on because that's their number one priority. Not always, because there are people who sleep together the first time they meet and they get married and stay together, but usually the guy wants sex and the woman wants a relationship. If you are after a relationship, you need to hold out much longer. If he doesn't know you so well and doesn't have feelings for you then it's easy for him to ditch you and move on to the next girl. If he has got to know you and developed deeper feelings for you without sleeping with you, he won't want to dump you. You need to get to know the guy and be clear with him about what you want and how far you are willing to go. Try 3-4 months, maybe longer. That way, you are building up to something and it will be way more exciting.
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