A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months today. He is the first person I have ever had a long term relationship with and my first love. I used to think we would get married and live happily ever after. But I have been so unhappy on and off (maybe 3-4 days a week) for several months now (since around february) and I don't know what to do.I know he still loves me too, and I believe in working at things and seeing if they improve. But I don't know what the point is where you give up?His problems with me:(as I understand them from what he tells me)-I am not as affectionate or as playful as I used to be- I am not as happy as before (I definitely agree to this but I don't know how to be happy when he is not happy?)- I won't do as much exercise as he wants me to so that I am more 'toned', dont wear the clothes he wants me to, dont wear my hair the way he wants me to, don't wear perfume, am too serious and politically correct, am too childish, dress like a 12 year old (I am 20) - I get upset too much and overreact to things (this is probably true)My problems with him:- I don't know how to make him happy. I feel like I am being as affectionate as I used to be, maybe I am not, but I am doing the best I can.- He never used to tease me about things he does now such as being 'lazy' 'round', bad at housework etc (NB I am not round in the least and am actually borderline underweight for my height). He used to really like my hair and clothes, and no one else I have talked to seems to agree with him about the way I dress. - sometimes I think he is not politically correct enough e.g. he is too keen on saying things like 'no fat chicks' and making other disparaging remarks about overweight people, he aims to shock people often by emulating people like Cartman from south park, and sometimes I get cross and confused because I cant tell whether sexist/racist things he says are just aimed to shock or what he actually thinks.- when i tell him i love him he often says things like 'hmm'in reply and quite often when i go to hug him he gets annoyed with me for interrupting whatever he is doing or shrugs me off. - he is treating our problems as entirely mine to solve saying things like 'you have to make me happy/stop making me sad' and giving me no guidance other than saying 'its just lots of small things you already know what you have to do'. and the only things i can think of are those ive listed here about changing my clothes etc. and when i tried to change my clothes recently by buying new ones we had a huge fight because everything i tried on he chuckled at and smirked like i looked stupid. So I guess this question is too long, but the heart of it is, do you think there is much hope for us? We really were happy for a very long time, I don't know whether this is just a phase or the result of a buildup of a lot of things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): He sounds really immature, not worth worrying about in my honest opinion
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I think you are trying too hard and this guy is being very manipulative with you. Why would he be doing that because he can, you teach people how to treat you.
Start standing up for yourself and be who you are, the cost of a relationship is too high if you have to change who you are.
I don't know what his problem is, but he sounds like a self centered ass and he is causing emotional harm to you. Anytime you are unhappy like this for months at a time then things aren't working out in the relationship.
I would turn things around and take your power back....you don't have to put up with this kind of crap. Stop doing so many things for him....and if he isn't paying any attention to you or giving you affection, do not walk over to him, do not sit down next to him, go about doing what you need to do and leave the room and go into another one, do not come out and check on him...just leave him by himself. Sometimes men come forward if we stop hovering, stop doing for them and lean back.
But even then he may still be a jerk, but I would start setting some boundaries about yourself, what you expect from him and what you don't like. Stop focusing so much on him and focus on you...and if he isn't good enough for you then you know what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (12 June 2008):
So what is there in this relationship for you? He won't tell you he loves you, he's a controlling freak (seriously, normal men do not get annoyed if you wear your hair in the way you want or pick a perfume yourself rather than letting them do it.) and he's demanding more affection then rejecting you when you do it.
You are not happy and yet all his demands are centred about you cheering up for HIS sake, not because he cares about the fact you are sad.
Get away from him, and be free, wear what you like and be yourself. You will never measure up to this guy's ideas of a "perfect" girl. He's ignorant and dangerous if he's demanding you be thinner than is healthy for you. And in my experience, people who make little racist jokes all the time generally are racist.
You are better than him and I think he knows it which is why he's trying to emotionally beat you down so you stay in your place. Why do you think he got so much enjoyment from watching you desperately try to find some clothing he would approve of? Trust me, once you are away form him and out with your mates and someone comes up and tells you how gorgeous you are, you will laugh at yourself for having stayed with him for so long.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 you need to free yourself from this kind of rejection early enough before it's encored in your system. soon enough you will struggle with serious self esteem issues that will be a great challenge to get over. this is how it starts and no other way. the same guy who moved mountains for you 15months ago is not the same now! his priorities down the line may have changed and forgot why he fell in love with you the first time. there are such guys who have extremely high expectations about the woman they'd want to have in their life only to realise later that they were just dreaming. he simply does not know wat he wants in a woman. well as it may be possible that some of the things he says about you may be true e.g. you are not happy etc.. but this is becoz he is the one that has triggered this kind of feelings in you. the worst part is when you will actually believe what he says and gal, let me tell you, he is your first love and if this ends up very nasty, you may shape your opinion about men later even when a good one comes along your way. it is better if this one ends, it ends right now before you experience the worst form of rejection. i can almost tell you what the next thing will be for this guy, is that he may actually cheat on you... its better if you read the signs early enough. coming to this forum may be one of the last signs you get about this relationship with this guy. i don't think he really loves you the same way and save your heart from a bad heart ache you probably may not need to collect too many broken pieces later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): every relationship goes through this "settled" phase. its not that you dont love each other, its just that the excitement has worn off. i suppose this is the time to see whether this is going to last or not. imagine being married with someone for the rest of you life. you cant expect it to have all the excitement of the first days of dating. sometime or another, you are gonna see the good and not so good parts of each other. there you can decide if you are really fit for each other.
i also feel that probably he's trying to pick on u and you him. maybe you guys are feeling just a bit bored of each other? well, tell him how you feel. tell the truth, everything you listed, for example. try to work on it first. then, maybe if you guys have it out in the open, maybe you'll understand each other better. good luck.
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A
female
reader, purplecloud03 +, writes (12 June 2008):
 basically im in the same situation...ive been with my bf for 21 months and things have been just like u stated..he used to annoy me about my clothes but i changed them and for me..it was a good change for myself. he still makes rude remarks about me and racist/sexist jokes all the time and well u just gotta learn to laugh with him...i used to tell him all the time it hurt me but he didnt understand it was just a joke...u need to realise it really is just a joke no matter how many times he says the same thing. if he wants u to tone up just say u are workin out and he prob will think there is a difference but isnt...but just tell him u are and its not doing anything. if he thinks ur not as affectionate maybe just put a bit more effort into it i know its hard when ur not happy with him n he shrugs u off but just think about it a bit more when u see him. and yeh getting upset over things that are small are what us females are masters at so when u do get annoyed at something just sit back and hold it in until u get alone n then think about it..if it still seems bad write it down and anaylse it that way..thats what i used to do.
when it comes to saying i love u...instead of just saying..i love u say do u love me and then he has to respond in a good way....or ask him how much do u love me
dont make it every time u see him tho coz he will think ur worried about something...and just realise that u dont need to hear it all the time...i mean my boyfriend hasnt told me im beautiful for 3 months now and used to say it all the time...hes just stuck in a place in his mind where he thinks he doesnt need to anymore..
if he isnt willing to work things out just work onthem yourself and in a months time tell him ur achievements and then if nothing changes with him..then u consider changes
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Honestly... if you read what you just wrote to us you already know the answer...
It sounds like a bad situation you are in my dear,
You wrote " when i tell him i love him he often says things like 'hmm'in reply and quite often when i go to hug him he gets annoyed with me for interrupting whatever he is doing or shrugs me off".........thats called giving him affection...I thought that was what he wanted?
He tells you what to wear right down to your perfume?? no wonder your unhappy, he sounds like he has become a control freak.
I suggest try talking to him one last time if YOU want to or just walk away. Better now after 15 months than after 15 years?
Best of luck
Aeval
xx
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