A
male
age
30-35,
*omance_boy18
writes:hey everyone! its been awhile. anyways heres the thing, over the summer i met this one girl at a anime event and we kinda hit it off on the first day and we hd our first kiss the same day we officially met. (we met over FB) and I deeply believe she is the one and she feels the same way too. i just wanna know, whens the right time to get married and does alot of planning go into the wedding? P.S: she says she does eventually wanna have kids and get married in the future and I would be honored if I could be the man to make that happen :)
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (27 September 2010):
I doubt that there is ever a "right" time to get married. It will always be a step of faith - faith in your partner, as well as faith in yourself. If you truly know yourself, and know your partner, that faith will be well-reasoned, and not misplaced.
You got some great advice from "k_c100". It's worth reading carefully - especially the part about "... marriage is for life, it is something to be taken incredibly seriously and you have to go into it with the view that this is not something you can get out of ...". Please don't confuse a "wedding" with a "marriage" - they both take a lot of planning, but getting ready for a marriage is more important, and takes more serious effort, than getting ready for a wedding.
The identification line says you are "18 - 21" years old. Which end of that range are you on? More importantly, how much experience do you and your G/F have with evaluating others as potential life partners? At 18, the odds are that you don't have much of this experience. You don't really know yourself yet, partly because you are still becoming that person, and you haven't developed the ability to evaluate others. That's quite OK - please don't think I'm being the least bit sarcastic or insulting. It's just where you are in life right now, and you should enjoy being what you are.
At age 21 you are in a much better position to take the step of marriage. Perhaps that means you and your G/F spend 3 years together while getting ready for marriage. Among my acquaintances I know at least two couples who first met when they were around 15 or 16, and have now been married for over 30 years - but they didn't get married until they were at least 21.
My wife and I were both 22 when we became engaged - about 3 months after we first laid eyes on each other. We married one year plus two weeks after that first meeting, and we're still married (to each other!) over 36 years later.
(In all fairness, I must say that we had written to each other - real letters, on real paper - for 3 months before we met. And much of our dating, especially before engagement, occurred while house guests of each others' family. I think both of these factors accelerated the "Do I really know this person?" process. And some older acquaintances, whom we both respected for their wisdom, thought our courtship of just over a year (not counting the 3-letters-a-week time) was a bit on the short side.)
I suggest you read what I wrote in the thread "Should we get engaged?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-we-get-engaged.html ].
Becoming engaged is a definite commitment to be preparing for marriage. That marriage should be in the forseeable future - probably no more than two years away. If the marriage date is some nebulous "when we're ready", or "when things settle down" event, then you're NOT engaged - you're just stalling while you wait for a better offer.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Well there is no "right" time as such to get married, and yes LOTS of planning and money has to go into a wedding.
It sounds to me like you are just getting to know this girl so while marriage may be on the cards one day in the future, it definitely IS NOT the right time to propose! My general rule is that you need to have known a person and been in a relationship with that person for a minimum of a year (ideally 2 years) before you get engaged, then you allow 1-2 years for planning the wedding.
The reason for the wait to get engaged is because when you are in the early stages of dating, everything seems wonderful and you only get the best bits - this is the honeymoon period. You dont actually test the relationship in this stage so everything seems rosy, but really you still dont know your partner that well, and you can never be certain your relationship is as solid as it needs to be when you go into marriage.
The statistics show that the majority of divorces happen with couples that have been together a short amount of time before getting married. This is because people rush into it while they are in the throws of love, and then the reality sets in when they are married and they find out they cant stand each other!
So what you should do for the time being is continue to get to know each other better, spend lots of time together and enjoy being young and in love. Yes of course you can talk about marriage, and think about what sort of wedding you would want etc. Talking about the future is very normal and a good sign in your relationship.
You must be aware that marriage is for life, it is something to be taken incredibly seriously and you have to go into it with the view that this is not something you can get out of. At your age, lots will be changing and nothing is set in stone at the moment (your career, where you live, where you want your life to go and so on....) so committing to something like marriage right now would be foolish. Marriage is not the big romantic party that so many people seem to think it is - marriage is a commitment to look after, provide for, live with, and love that person until the day you die.
So if you think you really love this girl, and want it to work out with her - then you will get to know her better and wait until you know each other inside and out before you even think about proposing. I can promise you this - your marriage will last so much longer (hopefully forever) if you wait for a few years before your married. But if you rush into it - then you are setting yourself up to fail.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): I'll say this once again politely and with utmost respect towards your relationship, do not, and I highly advise, do not let any emotion drive any decision in a relationship. You open yourself up to possible disappointments and letdowns since no logic is involved with any such decision.
Regards
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