A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok - i am writing cause i am unsure how to handle my thoughts about this situation.I had a boyfriend of 7 years - the last 2 were relatively dead and we broke up about 4 months ago now. Amoungst many reasons we broke up - one of the main ones was that i developed really stronge feelings for another man - i can say that i did not physically cheat on my ex-boyfriend - but i would say that i have crossed the line with emotional cheating and as a result i ended the relationship straight away.Ok so here is where the problems begin. A few months after we broke up i caught up of course with the man that i developed feelings for - he of course feels the same. We have consequently started dating and he makes me extroardinarily happy. But cause things are relatively fresh (in other peoples eyes more) with my ex-boyfriend i feel like i need to hide my new relationship - i hate this - i dont know how to deal with it. Or when i will know its right not to hide anymore.The second problem is that i do not come from Germany and i would like to return to my own country again in 6-12 months. I am scared about this topic with my new partner - and i dont know if i should be just going with the flow? Or is it too soon to talk about this topic.Some advice on these worries of mine would be great.
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female
reader, AgonyAuntJ  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 It is perfectly understandable that you would want to save your ex from anymore heartbreak. However, the bottom line is that you have moved on and are dating someone else. I dont think anyone can truely tell you when the right time will be to tell him about the new relationship. You know him better than anyone on this site, and so only you can decide what you want to do. But here is my answer anyway.
Try and think about the best solution in the long run.
How will he feel once you tell him you are dating someone else, if he finds out that you hid it from him in the first place? There is always a chance of that.
Who knows what he might ask you, what he might question you on. How long have you been dating this new guy? When did you even meet him? Is he the same guy you left me because of? You have to think about what you will answer to these sorts of questions, do you plan to lie and not tell him you've been dating him for a while now?
Also remember that if he thinks you are still single, there is always the chance that he has hopes of getting back with you, or wonders if you still have feelings for him. Obviously he doesnt have anything that is telling him that you have definitely moved on, and it is common for people to think that way after a break up.
Although you are trying to be considerate of his feelings, you must try and think of the long term.
Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. I have tried to understand the situation and make it clearer of what consequences there might be. But you came on here for advice. So, my overall opinion is that it is better to tell him and possibly hurt him now, so that atleast that way, he knows the truth and can start to move on. I would say not to leave him in the dark.
But as i said at the beginning, you know him better than anyone here. So it is completely your decision.
I hope it all works out for the best and that you remain happy with your new partner. Hope this helped.
- AAJ.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I think you should be upfront with your date about moving away (is it on a permanent basis?) - he will have a clearer idea about the amount he can invest in this relationship and the direction it's heading, so it is the right thing to do. You will likely end up discussing how you will cope despite of the distance and remember many people don't believe in LDRs. So honesty is the best policy here.
As for when to tell your ex boyfriend that you are dating again, some seek to spare the ex such news, and there is nothing wrong with that, but think that he might also benefit from realising you have moved on, in case he has any hopes of reconciliation. Best of luck.
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