A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 year old woman. Have never had the desire to have children and while I know people change over time, I think I may never want kids. This issue makes it a bit harder for me because I noticed most people want kids, while the minority of people like me has to sift through men to find one that also doesn't want them. I've been wondering: In the early stages of datibg, if a guy mentions on a date that he wants to have kids one day, I'm assuming you're not supposed to randomly say, "Oh you want kids? I don't think I do." So when is it appropriate? I believe in not wasting my own time as well as not wasting another person's valuable time. However, I've had a friend say that I should not bring it up right away, as it can lessen my chances of finding someone and that I should mention it way later on. I'm also afraid of falling for someone and then later having to break it off because of the whole not having the same desire for children! Help! What am I to do?Am i doomed to be single for the next 5-10 years desperately searching for a man who not only is what I want but ALSO doesn't want kids ? Whats the smartest approach to this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your insight and clarity!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 Another one here who has never wanted kids. You see, we are not THAT rare!
I have always been completely open about my lack of maternal instinct, even making a joke about forgetting to join the queue when they were handing it out. I have also always ensured I took care of contraception so that there were no "accidents" (I had a boyfriend once who "joked" about what a great mother I would be if I happened to fall pregnant - he rapidly became an EX!).
I really don't think there is a "right" time to mention this. You just have to see how conversations go. These days more and more women are CHOOSING to NOT have kids so it is no longer viewed as "abnormal" or "unnatural" or other descriptions which were bandied about years ago (when I was young, for instance). My mother even talked about taking me to a psychiatrist when I told her, in my teens, I never wanted children! It was just assume it was "natural" for females to want children. Then she decided it was something I would grow out of. Nope. Never happened. Some women are just not cut out to be mothers and that is absolutely fine.
I think, given that you seem like an honest and up-front person who doesn't want to mislead anyone, mentioning it in a light-hearted way fairly early in the relationship is probably best. I would not make a point of saying "Hi, nice to meet you. I never want kids" but, if the conversation involves kids at all, there is no harm in saying something like "I don't believe I will ever want to have kids of my own" and watch the reaction.
You need to also be aware that someone could stay with you despite them wanting kids themselves, hoping you will eventually change your mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): HiI never wanted marriage and kids and that has never changed. I am now 57. Maybe because I never thought long term when I was dating, I suppose I never imagined the men I was dating to be thinking long term either. It's honestly only very recently that I've realised (through reading this site I think), how people look upon relationships. As something to be found and a deal to be struck, almost business like, about settling down and having children. It's news to me! I feel quite stupid now, but I have honestly never ever thought in this way. Therefore I never worried about when to tell anyone anything. I'm not saying I was right, but it didn't dawn on me. At all! The man I was with at one time, who wanted to marry me, asked if I wanted children. I said no and he said he was fine with that in that case. That was it! We were together about ten years. I'm no good at long relationships. That was the longest. And I do feel guilty that maybe he could have had children with someone else, but it WAS his decision. I would say go with the flow. Things change. You may change your mind if you fall head over heels and the man you're with may decide he's happy not to have kids to be with you. You may BOTH want kids and find that one of you can't. Life's not an exact science so my feeling is not to be exact about it. If they want children and to be with you, I guess they will ask you. People's feelings change. If you ask a man early on, he may have a different answer for you compared to if the subject comes up later. I would say don't broach the subject until it naturally comes up. That's always been what I did, but as I say it wasn't a planned idea, it was just that it never dawned on me to do so!Don't know if this helped at all, but just thought I'd share my experience with you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): You don't know what you will want in the next 5-10 years. You may even fall in-love and marry some guy who already has kids. Tell him you don't want kids as soon as you can, and he can decide if he still wants to date you. Most guys still in the dating stage of their lives aren't thinking about having kids either!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 July 2018):
 To be honest, waiting is a bad idea. The whole point of dating is to reduce the options and the right guy isn't going to be one who wants kids, so you're only removing the guys from the equation who aren't compatible with you. That's a good thing, not a negative.
For most people, the topic of children comes up within one or two dates when talking about future goals.
"I want children" is the perfect time to say "that's nice; I like the idea of being an aunt, but can't see myself wanting to be a mum". Sure, it could be a little awkward, but finding out you're incompatible is nearly always a little awkward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): Actually, anytime you want to let him know! I think it sends a direct message to prospects you're looking for something meaningful; and leading to something more substantial and committed. That's not something you have to sit-on; fearing it will drive or scare some guy away. If it does, then you haven't wasted any of your precious time.
You may as well stop trying to set a time-table on finding a man who wants what you want. You know some things happen in random-sequence. We can influence our destiny by good preparation, and a positive-attitude. Keeping the faith we can and will succeed. Success occurs following the coming-together of all the best contributing-factors; which lead to the things we hope, pray, and wish for. Those factors being: time, the proper-conditions, the right-chemistry, and being in the right-place, at the right time.
Finding love with a good-match, and someone on the same-page; takes time, effort, patience, and a positive-attitude. Maybe factors in your life at the present, and in the near-future; just aren't as conducive to starting a family as you may think. Maybe your career and attitude require more of your focus and attention at the present. I'm just saying!
If you'll persevere and remove the urgency; you will be more selective, and make better choices. You'll lighten some of the pressure. You'll also be more conscious of red-flags and deal-breakers. Your strong sense of entitlement tells you that you better "find it, find it now, and fast!!!" Being young doesn't guarantee you'll have babies, or determine when you will have them. Talk about biological-clocks all you like. Rushing into it is the reason for rampant divorces, and broken-families.
One of my old professors said: "Young people ought to focus more on how to get what they want, than what they want!"
Um...Mr. Professor, that requires patience, a plan, and careful-consideration. Who's got time for that?
Welcome to real-life, my dear! Love just isn't one of those things you stomp your foot, and demand to happen. A good-man or a good-woman is a precious jewel. You don't find jewels sprawled-out on the sidewalk just to be picked-up. Jewelry stores don't give them away for the asking. Seeking and finding precious things of value sometimes requires a treasure-hunt; and even when you can afford them, someone else might get them first!
Sweetheart, we are forced to go through a series of failures for a reason. To learn about personality-types, to learn to deal with rejection, to learn how to reject bad-choices; and to gain strength and the ability to spring-back and recover after our failures. These are vital tools of survival. To be a good mother, you need these tools. You will have precious lives in your hands; and you should be fit and ready to handle such a wonderful and beautiful responsibility. Until they become obstinate moody-teenagers; and you'll regret they day they were born!
You have no idea how long you will be single, or when you will find love. Oh, BTW, search for only true-love; and it makes raising a family all the better. You can stay single, and have babies. If you want the whole-package, stay the course!
You are a jewel. Therefore, not all men get to keep you; or can afford you. They soon realize your true-value is more than they may be able to handle. Remain true to your dreams; however much time that takes. Perhaps it will take some time; but press on, my dear, press on!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2018):
 I honestly think the sooner the better.
Kids are a deal breaker. For those who want them, and for those who don't.
So talking about a great many things on the first few dates KIDS can be topic. It's really not hard to make it seem to "organically" appear. If you are out on one of the first dates and someone has a bratty or cute kid, the comment about never wanting kids can be mentioned.
I really wouldn't WAIT to mention it until you know him, maybe even have fallen for him.
Same with any other deal-breaker points.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 July 2018):
 At the point of "Hello Joe, I'm pleased to meet you, just so you know, I'm not the maternal type."
There are more men out there that have little interest in children than women. What putting it off gives you is a better chance of getting close to someone who will eventually have to make a huge compromise to continue the relationship with you.
In fact most people have something in their lives that would put off some potential partner. A kink, a family responsibility, career plans, whatever. The sooner these are brought up, the more able both of you are to make the healthy decision.
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