A
female
age
41-50,
*eedhelphere
writes:I'm coming here, because I have no where else to turn and I'm in serious need of advice. I found this site and am hoping I can get some insight here. I am married, have been for over 10 years. My husband and I got married under less than perfect circumstances and have both always been unhappy with our marriage. We have gone through counseling and are now at a point of being good friends that have agreed to stick things out until our children get old enough we can separate without financial disaster. I am great friends with my husband, but do not nor have I have been in love with him. I love him as the father of my children and we have built a bond because of everything we have gone through over the past 10 years. I want to one day be on my own and have a chance to find real, true love, something I have NEVER experienced. My husband and I are very close friends with another couple, Jill and Alex. My husband, Ray, and Jill grew up together and have been like brother and sister since they were 12. Over the years Jill and I have gotten to be really close and I would consider her my closest friend. In the beginning Alex and I were not close friends, but over the years, holidays, vacations, etc. we have gotten to be really good friends. He has on multiple occassions called me his best friend. He and I share so many common interests, beliefs, etc. He and my husband are friends, but nowhere near what he and I are. Jill and I had tickets to a Christmas play, the day of Jill got sick and my husband was out of town so they both thought Alex should go with me. He did and we had a great time. A month ago I was going out of town, but needed a new piece of luggage. Alex told me not to buy any, instead he drove an hour to bring me his to use. He's also gotten to where he regularly sends me texts on his way to work. NOTHING FLIRTY OR SEXUAL, but regular early morning texts! We talk on the phone about once a week and text at least 3 times a week. He has never made a pass or anything, but I am beginning to feel he may have feelings that run deeper than friendship. Since my marriage is not ideal, I don't know if he's really feeling something or if since I'm miserable I'm subconsciencely wanting him to! We all have a beach house rented in May. His wife keeps joking with me that she's never seen him this excited about a trip..EVER! She tells me how happy she is we are so close, that he thinks I'm so funny, etc. If he is really just a VERY CLOSE FRIEND and that's all his is looking for I don't want him to think I am overreacting by backing away, but I need some insight as to what he may be thinking. If a married man and a married woman are just great friends how does their relationship differ from two people that are heading somewhere that's wrong to go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): well if anything think what you would be doing to your close friend Jill if you betray her and go for her hb. i am glad you decided to be pure platonic BUT do not fool yourself. you are looking for signs and you have set your sights on your close friends husband, you are merely testing the waters here. do not continue to be selfish and usurp his time. he has a good marriage and just because you have chosen not to love your hb and chisen that your marriage is dead, doesn't give you the right to want to play around with another man, especially your friends husband. if you just cannot stick to being married to your hb then yes, end the marriage but do not betray your friend, her marriage and family. just because your marriage could not work doesn't give you the right to want to take away her hb from her. you may not think that you are doing this but the signs are clearly there.
A
female
reader, Needhelphere +, writes (16 March 2010):
Needhelphere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the responses. I guess I'm really just worried about misinterpreting his friendship and having it backfire on me. As for my husband and I's marriage it is romantically over. Yes, we are very good friends and have both agreed that if it ever got to the point that this wasn't working and we felt the need to step outside the marriage, we would move forward with a divorce. I feel very lucky to have such a great friend in Alex. I don't want to take his gestures the wrong way and end up looking like a fool when I either pull away or ask him 'so what's going on with us here'. That was the main reason for the question to tell how guys act toward their STRICTLY PLATONIC friends and someone they are trying to get 'close to'.
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A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (12 March 2010):
 if your not happy in your marriage isnt it in your best interest to end the relationship and stay close friends for the childrens sake rather than them growing up and you being unhappy???that way your children still have balanced lives and understand that sometimes relationships just dont work out.therefore you and your husband both get the chance to move on and be happy with other people.as for your friend and his wife id back away if i were you as you could loose jill as a friend if something happened and her husband may end up resenting you for this in the long run.its perfectly normal for you to have feelings for him and feel that he has feelings for you but reacting on them wouldnt be a good idea at all he is taken at the end of the day and you dont want to result there marriage to failure.when your not happy in a relationship with someone you tend to get closer with someone that shows you the attention you want however it could destroy your friendship with this man, jill your husbands friendship with you and even effect your children if you react on this
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
 It dosen't matter if he has romantic feelings, he is not free to act upon them. Your situation is difficult, because neither you or your husband are in love your open to have a romantic relationship. I think it is best to pull away even if he just see's you as a friend. It's too dangerous and you are vulnerable, this situation could lead to sexual or romantic attraction between you two. Sorry, I know you need a friend, but a married man, belonging to your friend is too dangerous to spend intimate time with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): You know Alex wants an affair with you and that's why he's so eager, I mean, an hour drive for a piece of luggage you could have bought cheap 10 min from your house?If you have an affair you will betray your so-called best-friend, Jill. Are you prepared to stab her in the back for your self-interest?You are married. Get over you are not really in love with your husband. Obviously, you have to work at the love to be in it. It doesn't come if you are thinking of having an affair with some other guy that happened on your radar.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 March 2010):
 I think you need to take the high road here. Yes he's going out of his way and becoming very close...whatever he's thinking at this stage should not concern you. If he comes to you as a friend then take it at face value and treat him as a platonic friend. As some of the others have suggested, set some new boundaries. Maybe don't reply to all his texts, or just give short direct answers.
If you have feelings for him then you have to make a decision to either back off completely or be honest and tell him. Either way the 'friendship' with him and his wife is on rocky ground and their marriage could be destroyed as a result...You could find yourself quite isolated over this.
It's a tricky one and you need to think hard and handle things appropriately.
Let us know how it goes!
AE x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Whether intentionally or unintentionally, Alex has seemed to fill the void of closeness that you say you don't otherwise feel with Ray, your husband. It does seem a little odd that Alex fancies you so much and contacts you so often when he has a wife and probably doesn't associate with Ray as much as you. You might see that as something harmless, but it might just cause even more damage to your already tough go with your husband. I had a similar situation where a friend's girlfriend was always trying to act close to me and I didn't think anything of it because I myself had no intentions of being anything more than just a friend to her, but my wife sure didn't like it, and it caused alot of friction in our marriage for a long time after she was no longer our friend. I still can't honestly tell to this day whether she had any bad intentions because she acted only as friends, but went way out of her way, just like Alex in your situation. The fact is it still caused so much grief in our marriage. So just be cautious and weary of getting too close to Alex unless you really feel your marriage isn't worth holding on to at all and you don't care if your closest friend Jill may experience any hurt feelings out of it. I know how you feel, that Alex may not even appear to have any intentions of doing the wrong thing, but it could very easily cause unwanted and unnecessary friction between Ray and yourself. You'll know for sure when you're getting too close when he contacts you more than your husband and even moreso when either your husband or his wife start to react negatively to what they notice between you and Alex. Ask your husband how he feels about Alex's closeness to you, and maybe you'll get a vibe from him and that could warn you before you get into any hot water over it.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (12 March 2010):
 If your just friends then thats fine, but Alex seems to be going a lot out of his way for you so he probably may have feelings for you.
However this would not be fair on Jill if you ever got involved with her husband on a romantic level, just keep it as friends. If he makes a pass at you then try to resist it, it will end in disaster for all involved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): It differs in that great friends just send each other texts with no sexual connotations and don't make passes at one another. You've described this relationship as one like that, great friends. If anything sexual ever happens, then you know it HAS gone too far. I think that since you are asking the question, then you may already be too close. Friends talk about things. Talk to this male friend if you feel uncomfortable with the situtation rather than just backing away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): I don't know. This sounds dicey. You and this "friend" are triangulating your primary relationships.
No wonder you don't think you are in love with your husband.
I think you both fear intimacy and triangulation is a way to keep that at bay.
I suspect that the issues you have are your own. My best advice to you is to set appropriate boundaries with your married male friend, and to get some therapy on your own.
If nothing else it will help you make the best decisions for yourself and all concerned.
I also recommend you pick up a copy of this book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, and "The People of the Lie" by the same author. In that order.
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