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female
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anonymous
writes: When you're in an intimate relationship, when is an appropriate time to mention being sexually abused?When I was 13, my stepdad basically assaulted me on 3 occasions. I finally told my mom, she kicked him out, life was hell for a few years, but I'm okay now.It's just that..what he did to me, and the pain that followed afterwards was a huge part of my life. And I don't want to hide that from the guys of my future relationships.But I also know that it's a tough subject and makes a LOT of people uncomfortable, so should I just never bring it up at all and pretend it didn't happen? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): As a survivor of child sexual abuse at the hands of my father, I have been faced with this problem of when to divulge my history. I disagree with the responders who stated, "take your time". It is very difficult to know when is the appropriate time, but "taking your time" can have dire consequences in terms of your partner feeling betrayal after developing feelings based on inadequate information about your history. The harsh reality is that some men are not understanding (usually due to lack of education concerning the subject). Others feel threatened and yet others understand the characteristics often inherent from child sexual abuse for adult survivors and they just don't want to deal with it. That is their right, as messed up as that is. Anyway, though the timing may be difficult to gauge, I would recommend definitely telling any partner before you are sexual with them. Full disclosure is important as it allows you to better understand the kind of man you are involved with as well as it provides him with the opportunity to determine if he wishes to continue a relationship with you (if he doesn't simply because of CSA history, he's a dog and you're better off without him, I promised you).Best wishes for you that you find the special someone in your life is loving and compassionate as you reveal your history to them!***
A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (22 August 2006):
 Hi there, I think that you should date a guy for a while, get to know him. Try to avoid the issue sex for as long as you can. So you can both get to know eachother for people you are. When eventually you do decide to sleep with him. Tell him. Make it clear that you are okay. But you just wantedd to tell him before you made that special bond. He should understand and because he got to know the real you first should care about you a great deal already. So I dont think this should scare him off. Infact I think it will make him want to love and protect you. Good luck
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A
male
reader, kriez151 +, writes (22 August 2006):
I to agree that counselling is a great way to get over it in a positive direction over the negative things in the past. However when it comes to telling your future bf, A) take as long as you want to tell him B) when you tell him , if he truly loves you he will not be ashamed of you but instead supportive to whatever you need to get over it and live a happy a meaningfull life. Too many of my friends I have known have had issues in that regard and somehow when a guy who shows a little bit of affection, they somehow feel obligated to sleep with him. By the way a relationship shouldnt soley be on the basis of sex, the way I look at it is sex is like a cherry on the cake, if you dont have the cake, ( which is the acts of caring, love and ie all that good stuff) then where do you put the cherry?
hope that helps take care
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 August 2006):
 When you are in an intimate relationship then you ought to bring up your past when you feel comfortable to do so, there is no prescribed time frame for this sort of thing. However, if you are in a relationship where you don't feel able to discuss your past then perhaps you should think twice about being sexual with that person - because of your past I would guess that trust is a huge issue for you and as a result you should be quite sure about someone before you make any sexual commitment to them. I am not saying that your past inevitably has to affect your adult life but I do think that if you have been abused before then you deserve someone who treats you with respect and need to be cautious about your choice of relationships. When you meet a person who is right for you then you should feel comfortable to tell them what has happened (or anything really!), and in return they should be sympathetic about it too. I think that you need some specialist counselling about your past to keep it there - in the past. It is ok to acknowledge what dreadful things have happened to you and you should feel proud that you have survived such an ordeal. However, lots of people who have been abused find counselling helpful so they can deal with their past and move on to a bright future. Take Care
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): tis will never be an easy subject to bring up and you will always find it quite difficult to talk about.if you love your boyfriend and he loves you back then he should be o with it. but as hard as it is for you to think about it ill be hard for him too. Take your time. He may feel very angry once you have told him but not at you. He should repsect that this is something you find difficult to talk about if he loves you. hope i help xxx
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