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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear CupidMy boyfriend is always looking at porn and dating sites on the computer when I'm out.He is very secretive about it. I told him many times I don't like it but he won't stop.Should I worry and what should I do next?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): am so tired of hearing about ' it's just what men do"/ Hey listen, of course they like it. Not unlike us woman, liking flirting with men.We LOVE IT ! It is also in our nature to have a thousand men in love with us. And although this is also not a reflection on how much we love our guys, MEN DONT LET US DO IT because it is hurtful and makes them feel like crap. So why is it that men can watch porn with total immunity while woman can't flirt with other guys, date other guys ? Hey, I'll give the same excuse as the men do: At least I am not really doing anything with these men, isn't it better that I am not having sex with other guys ? It's just a load of crap. Men should be expected to give up on their hobbies and inclination for the same reason that woman are expected to not flirt with other guys when they are in a relationship: BECAUSE IT HURTS THE RELATIONSHIP. It doesnt matter that "it could be worse ". It doesn't matter that " it's what all men do or love ". All woman love to get the adoration of many men. We love getting flowers from potential suitors. But we are expected to forego all our female " hobbies' for the relationship. Woman, I say you tell your man, " hey, you have your porn, and I'll have mine". You tell him that you will go into chatrooms and meeting sites on the internet because if he's going to have his candy, you will have yours as well. It's only fair. Now if he likes porn so much that he will let you have cyber flings, I say you leave him with his yelena's and svetlanas. Just my thoughts.
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (3 September 2005):
I would say that while looking at porn with your knowledge is ok, contacting other people for cyber sex etc is cheating. just dump him if you can't stand it.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
If it is only porn then i wouldnt worry, if he is contacting others on dating sites then i would suggest you dump him as this shows he cannot be trusted.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (7 August 2005):
 If he is dating others via web sites, he is not really your boyfriend and is instead a guy who includes you in his sex play just as he does others. If he views the naked amature sites and does not contact others, that is just free porn.
If he looks at naked pictures and there is no personal or intimate contact (including sex talk or chatting), give the guy a break. Why can't he look at porn when you are not there? How do you know what he does? do you pry or investigate? If you check up on him the you are wrong, wrong, wrong. You have no right to change him. He is fine with what he does and if you give him a bad time about it his choices are to become a liar, dump you for someone less controlling and who has appropriate boundaries, or give his soul away for someone who wants to exert power over him thereby making him a child or woman.
If he is contacting someone or is spending so much energy there that there is nothing left for you, then tell him you feel neglected and let him come up with what he is willing to do to change that.. More likely, since he confines it to when you are not around, he might be getting inspiration. If he is checking out non porn and personal dating sites and seems to be looking for a new chick, take the hint and move on.
You allude to two totally different situations in your question. It is hard to say what is real. porn is not a problem in itself. Connecting to another particular and favorite person in an intimate way is cheating. You can't for example cheat with a playboy mag, you can with a hooker.
If you want to keep this guy, it is time to spice things up a bit. Men like to look, why not accommodate him and ask him to get you a few pictures that convey what he would like from you and a bunch that he thinks you would like so you can go through and give him back the ones that were closest to what you would like him to do. Be his friend not his mom.
Just forget what he is doing and focus on what he is doing for you and if it is enough. Also, focus on how you feel about your interactions. Is he devoted to you, having affairs with actual women does he respect you? If yes let the rest go as your gift to him.
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