A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dealing with intimacy and self-image....I am 32 and my girlfriend of two years is 26. Our relationship is good in that we work very well together as a team, running our household, get along well, have very similar senses of humor, tastes in things, ideals, friends, etc. Unfortunately, our physical relationship is very cold. I have a high libido, but we average sex about once a month, sometimes much less. She is almost incapable of regular affection, it feels forced in most instances, when she isn't wincing from being touched or me attempting to kiss her. (Strangely enough, she has no problem cuddling our dogs for hours, letting them lick her face and stroking their fur. When I try to give her a little peck, she squirms and says that my lips are too "wet.") Her problems with affection definitely stem from bad self-image, not a day or couple of hours goes by when she doesn't put herself down about her weight or appearance. I tell her how beautiful she is, every day, but it never sticks. I have tried everything, from spontaneous romantic gestures, to backing off, and nothing seems to work. We have talked about these problems, and she is aware of her issues. She tries to improve, but it always slides back to worse than before after a couple of weeks. Yet, despite all of this, she says she still loves me and doesn't want to split up. I feel like if she could just get beyond her body issues that our problems would be resolved, but I don't know if that's possible. Am I just wishfully thinking here, or are lifelong body issues solvable?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): Thanks to all who answered. I really appreciate it.
I have tried all the things that you suggested, but the problem that I run into is her lack of motivation to do anything. She usually sleeps a lot, which leads me to believe that she probably has some issues with depression going on, which I also think is tied to her self-image. How can one not be depressed when you're constantly beating yourself up internally, you know? Plus, when we try to discuss these things, she ends up getting very defensive, sometimes angry. This has been going on for the better part of a year now.
Anyhoo, I'm going to have a very tender conversation with her about this very soon, bring up how the physical part of our relationship has become a real stumbling block and how I think it might be based in her self-image. I'm going to suggest that we try some counselling, because at this point, I feel all the techniques that I've tried and people have suggested have failed, and I'm really at my wits end about this; feeling more like a roommate than a significant other. Thanks again...and anyone else who wants to chime in, please feel free!
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 May 2007):
 Hi sweetness,
I really liked Adam's advice. I think that body insecurities can be thwarted by the significant other. The goal for you is to make her feel like even if she might not like her body, YOU will love it unconditionally.
Continue telling her she's beautiful. Do it everyday, and more than once. When she wakes up in the morning, or when she's got no makeup on, or over dinner. You don't need to gush, just a simple, "God, you are so beautiful. I just like looking at you."
Again, Adam's advice is cool. Draw her a bath, turn on some tunes, smile, have a nice conversation. Call her things like "babe" or "gorgeous". She needs to be at maximum comfort with you.
Consistency is the key.
Also, she should take up something that makes her feel good about herself. The gym is a good option, all though if you say "hey, why don't we get you into the gym?" - well, that can be a sensitive subject. Dance class is also a fun way to get a little confidence. Pilates, yoga... anything active that your girlfriend can enjoy and feel good about doing.
If these troubles run more deeply than that, maybe she should consider seeing a therapist, just to be able to talk about her insecurities and work through any past issues.
Alrght, sweetness. I think that this relationship can work. I do believe that YOU have to believe in it. It seems like she really does love you, but her body issues are standing in the way. You're doing a good job so far. Just keep it up!!
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, AdamPayseno  +, writes (19 May 2007):
 They are solveable..
By the sounds of it she's not comfortable in her own skin around you.. Or anyone for that matter...
I had this once.. This is not my advice, as it could go very wrong, but.. Go in when she's in the bath, or shower.. and just smile.. start a normal conversation..
Gets them thinking.. '' Hey.. I can't be that bad? ''
It will get better, it just needs time and more help from you.. Your being really good to her, Good luck and keep it up. x
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