A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:when exactly is a good time to tell a guy you're a virgin?? I'm a virgin and I have not even had oral sex. I honestly don't want to because I think the idea is really gross. I know a lot of girls who did it and they thought it was gross too and one of my good friends said someone made fun of her for not shaving. that makes me nervous too because I've never shaved before and I don't want to.I don't want to shave because there's no point, you have hair there for a reason. I didn't shave my armpits and my legs below the knees, but I guess I just assume nobody will see anything else since I don't plan to take anything off anyway. I enjoy making out and cuddling and that's it. I do plan to get married and have a family someday but that is very far in the future and right now I just want to date around. actually, I really just want to casually date but mostly be friends. I don't think I'm all that flirtatious, it's mostly words, and if I talk about sex I usually end up changing the subject because it makes me uncomfortable. I've had guys who liked me and invited me to their house or dorm or apartment and all three of them have interrupted me and started kissing on me and they got mad when I stopped them when they tried to touch me through my shirt or below the waist. all three of them at some point asked me what was wrong and I told them point blank that I didn't come over for that and two of them asked me straight out if I was a virgin and I said yes and they both asked me why I agreed to come over if I was a virgin. one of them asked me what I was doing in a bar if I was a virgin and kept insisting I was lying about having a boyfriend when I was in high school. so now at least one of them has told a bunch of people that I'm a virgin and now I keep getting questions about what I'm doing being so flirtatious and why I would want to date around if I don't want sex and they keep telling me that maybe I should be in church if I'm like that. I'm not really interested in church, I was raised in a church and it just is not my thing. all I want to do is date around but when guys ask me on dates they always want to rush it into a relationship or they want to rush me to get physical. I don't want a boyfriend because I don't really want to get physical. at least not until we are established boyfriend and girlfriend. my first boyfriend was a mistake because I assumed we were dating since we made out all the time and I found out he was talking to other girls. when I have a boyfriend I don't talk to other boys or flirt because I think that's disrespectful. but when the guy starts flirting with me and takes me on a few dates it is literally less than three dates before he wants to start making out and when it comes out that I'm a virgin people get really mad that I did not tell him earlier. I have even had guys online stop speaking to me and tell me to go away because they said they felt deceived. I don't think I should have to introduce myself that way, but it seems like a really big turnoff or else it seems like a challenge two guys.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 January 2016):
Thanks for the update OP, that explains a lot.
You seem to be somewhat of a free spirit and most devout Christians, well, aren't. On the other hand, you did mention casual dating and the more devout ones do believe sex is for marriage. That means they will most likely to be receptive to keeping the intimacy limited to cuddles and kisses while you're dating. The real question is if you can find someone you can connect with in that pool. But hey, if you don't try...
I guess you just have to ask yourself what you want to gain through casual dating. If what you want is some nice company with cuddles and kisses, I'm afraid this will be a hard to accomplish if your dating pool consists of the typical hot blooded male that isn't held back by church ideals. You've already seen what that's like with those assholes you encountered.
If just nice company is your priority I'd focus on making new friends rather than casual dating.
As for your views on oral sex and the lot. My advice is to 1# not write it off indefinitely just yet (though of course you are free to do so if the idea truly repulses you) and 2# be less vocal about your views on it because even though you don't actively judge people for doing it, being vocal about thinking it's gross is going to make people feel like you think they're gross by association. I hope that makes sense. That said, if they ask for your opinion, they asked for it and you shouldn't hold back.
As for the girl with the coven, ask her! You can't do anything wrong if you ask her beforehand what the etiquette rules are. People tend to be delighted when you show interest in learning about their beliefs.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 Oh screw "everyone" who keeps pulling you down. They only do that because they are jealous of you and you make them feel bad about themselves because they are little people who compare themselves with anyone and are scared of being in the company with someone they themselves consider better than them. You're NOT the one who is to blame for THEIR issues. You have every right to flirt, be in bars, and have your fun WITHOUT having sex.
Although, I would say that agreeing to go to a boys room implies you want to have sex, and you should stop doing that. Boys rarely ask directly "do you want to have sex", instead they ask "do you want to come to my room" which MEANS "do you want to have sex". So stop saying yes to that, because it's just leading them on. But by all means flirt and kiss in PUBLIC places or when there's other people around. But not in private with a boy who isn't your boyfriend and who you haven't had "the talk" with.
You don't have to introduce yourself as a virgin. But if you are waiting with sex until marriage then that is something to bring up early on. But if you're just waiting for the right person and the right time, you do not owe it to anyone to tell them when you don't even know them.
The reason some men have gotten upset/mad/disappointed is because they wanted sex... Not a relationship. You just dodged the bullet. There's no many fake men out there who just want sex, it's not just you who encounter those. Just keep it up, you will come across a decent man at some point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Just to make a suggestion, if you don't want to shave your pubic area you can still give it a trim.
Shortening the hair without fully shaving it off can be a nice compromise. It helps keep the area more clean & tidy without causing the irritation and constant upkeep of a smooth shave. Public hair grows slowly.
It can be done with an electric beard and body hair trimmer or a good pair of scissors.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): hi I am the original poster and I want to say first that thank you, and makes me feel better to know that I'm not really doing anything wrong and it makes it easier to know that there is a way to tell the person that I'm a virgin without having to tell right away.. I want to point out that I didn't mean to say that I didn't shave my armpits or my lower legs, I meant to say I do shave that but that's all I shave. the girl that got made fun of said the guy put his hands down your pants and she stopped him and told him she was on her period and he still expected her to do oral on him and he made fun of her for how she did it. he kept bothering her to see if she was off of it and he refused to go down on her because she was so hairy and she ended up being really embarrassed because he told everybody. I had already thought oral sex was gross before that and now the whole idea makes me mad as well as makes me feel sick to think about it. I just think that if you use that part to go to the bathroom you should not put your mouth there even if it is clean. When I said that a lot of girls get mad at me because they think I am judging them and I'm not. I truly believe that as long as it is consensual and it involved adult human beings and there's no more body fluid besides saliva sweat and the normal discharge, there's nothing wrong with it. anything else I think it's disturbing but that is my opinion and people are more than that. telling people I'm virgin makes him think that I really judgemental and I think it upsets me more, now that I think about it, about other girls reaction. they think I'm a baby or a prude or judgemental. with guys, you are right, all posters: those guys are being assholes and I did dodge some bullets.as far as church is concerned, one of my gay male friends refers to me as Lutheran - I - guess. he likes to talk about religion and challenge people's beliefs but I don't think he's really being rude about it even though I kind of think he is. I don't know what I believe, I grew up with friend and I go to the church I grow up and when I come home and visit. sometimes I go to the one around here with my parents visit and they expect me to, and they're disappointed I don't really go every week. they hunt around that I should go more and volunteer there and see if I can get a job as a secretary rather than working until midnight like I do. I think they just don't like me to stay out late. the church I went to growing up was small and right across the street from a nursing home mostly because it was the closest to our house and it was Lutheran. my parents and our ministerand a bunch of other people in the church think that we are the right kind of Lutheran. I sort of know what they mean, because some of my other Lutheran friends went to a church where there was this lady minister and they thought her church was too liberal. our particular church didn't care if a lady wanted to be a minister at all, it just never happened in that specific building for some reason. well I know Jesus died for my sins, I have a hard time believing that people will go to hell just because they are Jewish or even tanken. I have never been able to wrap my head around the idea that there is no God at all. I'm not trying to judge I just don't get that. it makes no sense to me.I just said all that because a lot of my friends, mostly girl, said that if I went to church and only dated guys that went to church I would have better luck with people who were okay with me being a virgin until marriage.that's probably true but, I'm really not into church. I don't like the idea that somebody is going to hell just because they're not Christian or because they're or something like that. I like to talk about religion and I like to learn about it, but apparently I ask really stupid questions and people get upset. I want to take a class in comparitive religionbecause you actually get to visit the mosque and the Buddhist temple and if you take the class at the right time, you get to go on a native american retreat. I don't want to convert anything because I consider myself a Christian. but I'm a pretty bad one because like I said, I don't think everybody is going to hell who does not. but having a Christian boyfriend sounds kind of cool since he might be okay with me being a virgin. also I am scared my parents will get mad if I go to those temples or retreats and I know this girl who is in a coven but I am too scared to ask her if I can visit to see what it is like. what if I do the wrong thing in there?in my high school there were less than 500 people I never met a single person who was not a Christian except for some people who said they were athiest. And most people either were Christians like me or else they corned you with a tract and really really really thought it was their job to make sure you weren't going to hell. I honestly think most of those people are really sweet and I like that they seem really happy and I want that too, but I think it is sort of rude to get in somebody's face and make them say bible verses.sorry that had nothing to do with the post, but I think it was really important to explain my own religion, and I think it is important to my problem. also, I think it is important to explain the town I live in the school I went to because it was mostly a farming town even though my parents sold insurance and we're not farmers at all. up until the 8th we had Amish kids go to schooland I felt really bad they got made fun of because they smell like cow manure and only shower once a week. they were all really nice and sometimes we did get to go to dinner at their house and most of the time they just wanted to be left alone. they sold a lot of produce and crafts and furniture and a lot of them help to fix my parents roof for cheaper than an English person would. they are good people.but I think you are all right: it is a bad idea to go to a boy's apartment or dorm when I don't want to do anything besides talk and I think you are all right that they want some kind of sex. maybe dating around is a bad idea BC the guys that are with casual dating only want casual sex or casual oral.I like the idea of group dates and I don't think I flirt too much. I just feel stuck between two worlds.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Ok deep breath....relax. You are allowed to be you. To mature at the rate that is right for you and to only have sex when you are with someone you love, trust and want to have sex with. You seem to have started to believe that everyone around you can tell you how to behave and who you tell private information about yourself to. No-one has the right to know whether or not you're a virgin. That is for you to know...no-one else unless you WANT to tell them. If someone asks you, tell them it's none of their business. If you don't want sex, that's fine, a lot of people don't unless they are in a committed and serious relationship. I would be quite clear about not wanting sex too soon and I lost my virginity a long time ago. It's not about that, it's about being true to you and how YOU feel about things.You are only ready to be friends with the opposite sex at the moment and that is absolutely fine, but you have to realise that males in your age group will try to get sex whenever they can. Give males who invite you to their room a very wide berth. You are not ready for this kind of situation yet. They are probably not interested in friendship when they invite you rather quickly to their room. Don't go. As friendship is what you want at the moment, think about how to cultivate friendships. What is it that you like to do? What are you interested in? Follow your path and your life and along the way you will meet members of the opposite sex, when you're ready, who maybe you will have feelings for in an emotional and sexual way. You can then start to slowly get to know them and you will be able to tell whether they like you as a potential partner or whether they just want sex. The boys you've met so far are not the kind you or I would be interested in. When you meet a good one that you like, you'll know the difference.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (2 January 2016):
I think that if you don't really want a serious boyfriend at the moment you shouldn't date at all. You can hang out with friends in a group but don't date. And certainly don't go back to a guy's place if it's just going to be you and him there. Not until you feel ready to do more than just kiss.
Most young people will expect things to become physical in some way once you are alone in private together.
I don't think you have to announce that you're a virgin to a guy on your first date - just make it known that you're not into casual relationships and that you like to take things slowly.
It does sound like you've run into a bunch of assholes though. Do what Maverick suggests and try to meet guys through hobbies
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): You have had a variety of reactions to the news; so there is no real way to anticipate what a guy thinks or how he may react about the fact you've never had sex before. It would not be a good idea, whether you're a virgin or not, to go home with a guy; unless you're expecting to have sex. That's usually the reason he wants to get you there. You can tell him ahead of time that you don't plan on having sex anytime soon. If kissing and making-out is all you intend to do; don't be hesitant to say "no," if his hands go places you don't wish them to go. Even girls who have had plenty of sex use the word "no" when the situation calls for it. The guy doesn't rule or control what you do with your body. You do! He seeks your permission.
When to tell a guy you're a virgin really all depends.
You date a guy a few times and first decide where the connection is going. If he is only interested in sex, you can tell him then and there you do not plan to go that far with a guy. Whether you're a virgin is irrelevant. If he questions if you're a virgin, you can tell him yes you are; and if he has a problem with it, dump him immediately. He's either immature, or sex was his only motive. If he cares for you, he will wait.
You have it right on target to simply date around. Determine what kind of guy you really like, and who is your best match. Date for fun. It is not only to have sex. Most guys would want you to believe that's the only reason. It's not. It may be their only reason. They have a right to that choice; but that doesn't compel you to feel the same.
Never mind his opinions and commentary on the highly personal topic of your virginity. If they are negative, he is the wrong guy anyway!!! He just lost-out by self-elimination. A jerk quickly shows his true colors; because they are stupid. They don't deserve the prize.
You do not deserve disrespect from any guy for any reason. Any gossipy-twit of a guy who runs and tells the world about you, was a just a bullet you ducked soon enough. Had you had sex, he would have told all his friends anyway. You are a person, not a locker-room topic to be discussed by immature adolescent pea-brained "boys!" They'll make stuff up; even if nothing ever happened. Dumb boys will be dumb boys! Learn to handle the stupidity without allowing it to hurt you. That's maturity and grace.
You will have sex when you're ready. You will choose the guy when you feel the time is right for you.
Being forced or bowing to peer pressure is for the weak of mind; and if you have it all planned out, stick to your plan. It means you will be emotionally and mentally prepared for the event. You will be ready to offer yourself to the guy you feel most comfortable with.
Once you're a woman, shaving is certainly a matter of choice. However; visible hair that will appear above or through clothing, may cause you unwanted embarrassment and will get a few stares. You are at the age most young women do shave their legs and armpits.
It isn't necessarily done with sex in mind, it's just a matter of feminine grooming. Most ladies prefer to be smooth. As for shaving your pubic area? If no one is going to see that anytime soon, you don't have to. That's a matter of taste and choice. Hairy legs on a lady isn't socially acceptable; but if you don't mind the staring or raised eyebrows, more power to you.
People will have their opinions. The younger the age-group, the less of a mature opinion they will have. Judge people by their opinions, it's a good rule to live by. Don't be swayed by opinion if it effects you in a negative way. There should be a benefit or something positive to be gained when people offer you an opinion. If not, you have every right to reject or dismiss their opinions, and that person, when it comes to dating and sex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 You don't need to go to church or introduce yourself as a virgin. You do need to understand that if you go to a guy's room they automatically think sex. Why start something you can't finish. They think of you as a tease.
A good thing to say though, is you need an emotional connection first before doing anything physical. Most people can't wait for the first few dates. But to establish something serious you need more than a few months.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 January 2016):
Those guys were assholes, but unfortunately many guys think that when a girl agrees to come up to their room/dorm/whatever that they also agree to sex. So when you meet a guy in a bar, make sure he knows you're not interested in that. They don't need to know you're a virgin. That's only relevant if you actually want to have sex with them and you don't. Or well, that's my interpretation of what you wrote.
Honestly though, bars are not good locations to meet guys, because most of them are there looking for sex. If you want some good company it's better to try and meet people through shared interests. For example hobbies or sports. That way you already have a subject to talk about and it's not in an environment that encourages flirting and the lot.
Also, if you ever encounter another guy that gets angry because you didn't mention your virginity, consider yourself blessed he revealed himself to be a piece of shite so early in the game. Saves you some time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): If you have oral sex - make sure to use condoms (there is a female oral thing but can't remember name) eventhough no sex is happening cos STIs and STDs can still be caught by oral
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): I think it is other people's perceptions that is the problem, not yours. You are allowed to date/court without sex - you dont even need to tell them you are a virgin. Just say "i'm not that kind of girl" if they start leaning towards sex quite quickly. It has become more normal to have sex from the 3rd date but realistically how well do we know someone at that point? It is far too soon. I would stop explaining to your friends or guys, don't go back to a guy's place ever unless you are absolutely sure of his character (that hanging out is hanging out) and you cut lose anyone who can't handle your life. If you get close to a guy and feel you can really trust him then you can tell him your a virgin. But telling any guy before you are serious with them is just gonna make it a problem. They will think they can convince you into bed or label you as odd cos you have standards. So just stick with "i am not that kind of girl" and if they can't accept it (cos you owe them no explanation) then leave.
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