A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year but we've been friends for a decade before that (met as kids). We are at that age where everyone is getting engaged and I think he plans on asking that question soon. I love him a lot and everyone thinks hes a great guy but i feel really nervous and hesitating -- is that normal or a sign something is wrong? I've heard about premarital nerves but what about pre-engagement nerves? Also, when I compare our relationship to others, I feel like we have to work harder -- we are both committed to making it work but it just hasn't been easy. He's a good guy who works hard, cares deeply for me and is thoughtful -- the type of person I'm lucky to have, so why am I feeling this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): You did not mention anywhere in your post that you "love him." That you are "in-love" with him.
You're dating steady, but you offer no clue as to whether there is an intense romantic and emotional connection that makes you want to be married to him. Most people in-love know how to put it words. They can describe their feelings for another person. I didn't pick that up in your post.
Don't confuse loyalty with being in-love. You may be somewhat complacent; because you're comfortable and used to him. Like a good friend. Marriage means sex with the same person indefinitely, and it is a commitment intended to last a lifetime. If you can't foresee that with him, that is why you hesitate.
You have to be able to visualize it in your mind, and feel it in your heart. You must desire it, to agree to it.
Maybe you just aren't ready for marriage in general; and may not really want to marry "him." Do you feel you haven't really allowed yourself enough selection among men over time? Meaning, extensive experience in dating a variety of male-types; to determine if you're ready to settle-down quite yet. If you've actually met your best match. Perhaps you have few, or no other, personality-types to compare his to. I sense that's in the back of your mind.
I don't care how long you were friends. That isn't "time-served;" and almost your moral-obligation to accept his proposal. Maybe friends is all you really feel, and the reason it takes so much "work."
For goodness sake, you don't get engaged because that's what most people you know have done. It's your personal decision; and it's based on the depth of your feelings for the person you agree to marry. That decision is a life-altering decision, and not to be taken casually. So yeah, you will be nervous about it.
When in doubt, it is always best to wait until you feel sure; and totally comfortable with the decision. You don't have to say yes, just because he asked. You say yes, because your feelings have reached that point in your relationship that you know with all certainty you want to.
Marriage is the ultimate conclusion/objective to establish how much you trust and care for him. Not to rule-out how physically-attracted you are to each other. That too is a major component in reaching such a decision.
A good relationship realistically requires work. If making it work requires strenuous-effort, and it isn't shared 50/50 with your partner. It isn't time. That is a sign things are not where they should be, at such a most crucial time when you are approaching that decision. Too many marriages fail for this very reason.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 ...Maybe is it a classic case of " I love him but I am not in love with him " ?...
Often, alas, the persons that on paper are perfect for us, and we should feel lucky to have,- well, they are great and we ARE lucky, and still... there's something missing... a certain " je ne sais quoi " which makes our heart sing ...
Mind you, I am not promoting limerance and infatuation over true, solid love.
If it is ONLY all based on pizzazz and attraction and chemistry and butterflies in the stomach, - then it's a fluke, an illusion. Sooner or later it will pass, and maybe sooner than later.
On the other hand.... if you find someone whom you respect and care for..... but unluckily he does not excite you, intrigue you, inspire you.... then I think one is right to consider if she ( or he ) is the type to carry on successfully a relationship just because rationally it would be such a good idea .
...............................
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