A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I feel so awful! I met with my soon-to be "ex" husband to discuss me filing for divorce. We've been separated for a few years and I guess he thought we'd get back together. So I gave him the opportunity have closure and talk everything through one more time, but I just ended up feeling really crappy and scared. He tried every angle of guilt, even crying, not that it wasn't an act. I feel like such a horrible person for ending our marriage. We were together more than 15 years but we grew apart and wanted completely different things (I wanted kids, he did not, among other things). He hasn't accepted the divorce and says he will never give up on me, never stop waiting for me to change my mind. I almost wish we would not have met, but I felt like I owed him this closure at least before it becomes final. Now I feel totally depressed, like I will never find anyone who will love me like that, like maybe I am defective, and no one even likes me (I have no close friends as some have moved away recently). I really wonder if I'm gonna wake up in a couple of years and the WTF, did I do?? I am terribly scared, terribly sad and very depressed!! When am I going to feel better about what I'm doing?
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Risingfromashes  +, writes (23 January 2010):
PS you giving him "closure" would confuse any sane person who still loves somebody, so stop the head games please.
A
female
reader, Risingfromashes +, writes (23 January 2010):
I can't help but agree with anonymous, whom I wish wasn't! I am going through a divorce right now and haven't even been with my husband but for a year and I know the energy of commiting your LiFE to someone you love and your relationship is the deepest feeling and also so vunerable. Your ex isn't playing games with you, but obviously if you are only worried about you in this then you need to leave him be. He deserves to be loved too and I hope he finds that. When you're ready to accept true love then maybe you'll find it too if it's not too late. I'm guessing he would be willing to compromise at this point about kids and god knows what else! 15 years?!! It sounds like you're just as stuck in the past only in a negative cruel way. You sound resentful. He probably appreciates the happiness you brought him and really truly wishes he couldve made you happier, but more importantly still after all this time wants to make you happy. Some people genuinly make a promise to theirselves that they will never give up on the person they love. Things happen but give that person a little time to heal, if they are still there for you it's because they are keeping that promise to try their best for you, their relationship with you, and even theirselves. I guess some people just know what they want and put their morals and values into the relationship, then they get their heart and soul ripped out of their throats eyes and feet anyway. God bless you and yours. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I wasn’t going to respond to you what with all the one sided advice being dispensed but thought what the heck.
Yes you have moved on and even outgrown your spouse. Your (ex)hb has invested 15 LONG YEARS in you. Your ex is NOT ACTING, he is really hurting. What you even considered this? Shouldn’t you have some sort of compassion, some sort of empathy for a man who was once your hb? Yes, you may not love him anyone but there should be some sort of decency in you to acknowledge that what he is feeling is very real.
To the other aunts crucifying for ex for his emotional outburst , life sucks when you still love someone and that person guts you when they have no more use for you. Instead of looking at this man as an emotional blackmailer think back to your own divorces and own separation. Did you too not want one more chance, some closure, did you also not want to hold your ex in your arms one more time before they trampled all over your heart (again). From what I read on DC there are quite a number of women who would have behaved in precisely the same manner the OPS ex has behaved, just wanting one more shot. So please get off your high horses and acknowledge that another human being is going through pain, another human being is dying a slow death at the end of his marriage. ALLOW HIM TO MOURN THE DEATH OF HIS MARRIAGE!
It is sometimes said that break ups and divorce is worse than death. In this mans case he is feeling worse than death right now. Lets have some empathy for him. At least he cared enough for his ex wife to display raw emotions and it doesn’t make him less of a man because he shed some tears. Divorce is devastating and sometimes at least one spouse wants to salvage the marriage. This is not a crime but part of life.
I know a lot of women will gave it their all to actually have a man like the OPS ex loving them until they die. It is not a crime to love, but it is a crime to love someone just like this ex loving the OP to his detriment and this is very unhealthy FOR HIM.
TO THE OP, yes you will move on and yes you will find love again but spare a though and a few prayers for this man who has loved you for so long. After all 15 years seems to sometimes be a lifetime. Don’t pity him, understand him. You say that you both changed, both wanted different things. At one stage YOU did love him didn’t you? So how about having some compassion and some respect for him. Some spouses cannot help themselves, they will love their exs until they die and I think your ex will as well. OP, when you find love again, please do not wait another 15 years to decide that you have grown up and that you do not need your hb, or that you have dis similar tastes or that you do not love that person. Sometimes it can be just plain cruel. When you marry again please give it your all, and respect your spouse enough to call it quits early on instead of having them invest 15 years in you and your marriage before the carpet is pulled from under them. OP you have your reasons for divorcing your hb, i just think it is sad that you took 15 years to finally make a decision. Don’t hate your hb for loving you, try to understand where he is coming from. You may have moved on, he hasn’t and this doesn’t make him a bad person. So what if he tried to “manipulate” you by emotionally breaking down. Hey, at least he had the decency to try one last time. Some people do not even get that. AT LEAST HE TRIED.
I truly hope that your ex recovers and that he finally moves on. Will take him years but hopefully one day he can meet his true soul mate. My heart goes out to him and ANYONE else going through a similar situation. And reading the stories on DC there is a number of people going through the same excruciating pain, humiliation, devastation of divorce. I find it SAD that the kind aunts here have not had the foresight to acknowledge this mans emotions. Whether right or wrongly he is experiencing pain and suffering at the death of his marriage. Allow him that to grieve. Whether he is using emotional blackmail or not is not the issue. His marriage is over . And now he has to pick up the pieces.
You too may also mourn the final chapter of your marriage before the divorce becomes official. Take this time to find out what you really want. Who you really are. You do not mention any third party interference which I am sure makes this divorce even harder. Heal too, but spare a thought for a man who LOVED YOU. At least you were loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go find your peace now.
To the aunts sorry to rant again. Just wanted you to look at this from different eyes.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 January 2010):
My girlfriend went though the same thing with her divorce over a year ago. A year later, she feels a million times better. You and he had different wants and needs, so you're doing the right thing. He can try all the acting he likes. but the fact is, he should have listened to your needs all those years ago. You'll feel scared and bad for some time, but so long as you focus on yourself and your life, you will get over him. The emotional blackmail was supposed to work this way. Don't let it. He could have listened years ago, and he didn't. You're not horrible at all. Focus on your life, and you'll be absolutely fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 January 2010):
 its normal to feel crappy, but as time moves on the crappiness will be interspersed with good feelings and eventually the crappy bits will be moments and the good feelings weeks and months.
Just hang in there, dont let his man's manipulations do your head in, you divorced him for a reason, and that reason still exists.
There will be some grief to deal with, often the grief is not for the loss of the man, but for the loss of your dreams, hopes, and what you had beleived was to be your future.
Just remain focussed on the new future you will built, and you'll be alright!
good luck with it all
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): look hunny all men are like that after a long relationship take it from someone who went through 2 ten year marriages. If u really dont wanna b with him then dont see him anymore. he doesnt want closure he wont leave u alone if u talk to him. he wil get crazy my 1st husband did that and i had to put him on restraining order after awhile. dont feel guilty if u stop seeing him eventually he will move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 January 2010):
I have been through the exact same thing. I felt terrible because he begged and cried but I had lost my respect for him and felt that there was no way for us to see things the same way. My way of coping was to focus on my children's future and my own future. I also reminded myself of all the negative things that had separated us in the first place which was his love for cheating. I realised that he was never going to change because I had forgiven him many times. I just remained focussed on putting myself first and forgetting everyone else.
...............................
|
