A
female
age
41-50,
*na Q
writes:I have been dating my BF for about 9 months and our relationship is getting very serious. We are both 33 years old and have had our share of bad relationships and no luck in love until we met each other and are now looking at taking things to the next level, or at least planning for it. We have a wonderful time when we are together, both love a lot of the same things and truly enjoy each others company. Our sex life is also wonderful and we both desire one another on a level that is new and exciting for us both. Most of the time things are wonderful and we are excited about the prospect of starting a family someday. But of course with great things come the not so great. My BF is old school Italian American and has some pretty conservative views on marriage and relationships. I am an outgoing woman who has a lot of girlfriends (mostly married with children) and I love to dance - whether at weddings or nightclubs or any other event with music. I simply enjoy the feeling and always have. When I was single I frequented nightclubs with friends to dance and have fun, never going for the reason of hooking up. I went with my girls, we danced in a circle...had some laughs and went home to our regular lives. Ever since I met my BF I have dramatically changed that, out of respect for the relationship and my own interests changing since I think clubbing every weekend is probably not healthy or respectful to your partner when IAR. That being said, there are times on occasion - lets even say 2-3 times a year when my girlfriends who are not frequenting the scene either, come into town or just decide to do a 'girls night' to have some fun and dance and blow off some steam. On these occasions my BF is vehemently against me participating. He says he is not controlling me or jealous but thinks it is highly disrespectful to us and shows him that I have not changed as a person and clinging to some past 'pimp' single life with no transcendence to want to grow in other ways. IMO, I think that would be a fair statement if every weekend I was clubbing. But to want to dance with friends on occasion doesn't really make me feel like his charges are accurate or even fair. I have even invited him with me so he knows that I want to include him. He says me going to a nightclub once in a while is the same thing as if he were needing to feed some 'strip club' hunger a few times a year. This just seems very disproportionate to me. I also told him that if we travel together as a couple it would be fun to go to Vegas or a resort, he being of a 'higher brow' type says those places offer no substance. So I said we can compromise then and go to somewhere he likes one year, my choice the next - but again, he feels like my tastes are somehow without substance or maturity and growth. I'm just not sure what to do. I am deeply in love with this man and excited at the opportunity to share my life with him, but worried that if I cave on this I will be the girl who ends up married and resentful that this man has taken my interests and hobbies off the table and I will have to sit home while my friends are having fun. I even gave up going to my annual girls trip to Vegas this year as a sacrifice to our relationship, even though I so wanted to go. So my question is this - when does the art of compromise become compromising? Am I just not ready to grow up in a relationship as he is accusing me of not doing? Does growing mean ridding of things that the other person cannot accept and sees as 'single' habits? Or am I simply trying to have my cake and eat it too (which I am, but is that wrong??). I have never given this man a reason to feel insecure so I just don't know what to do. I only know that if I told him I will never go out dancing with friends again, even once in a blue moon, I will be unhappy and resent him in the long run- and that's what scares me. I don't want to break up because I love him, but how can I go forward?Sad and confused,Ana Q.
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clubbing, insecure, jealous, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 That is also a childish thing to complain about. He's a grown man, he can live spending one Saturday without you. My boyfriends never set a plan that I had to stay with them for the weekends, quite the contrary all the men I have dated have preoccupied themselves well enough, and had to make time for me... Not cling to me because they had no life of their own. So now you can't go dancing.. and now you can't leave him "alone" on a Saturday night. You aren't his baby sitter. You're not leaving him alone, it is his own duty to find an activity to do, and you can't be demanded to always be on call if he gets bored. You should certainly not have to give up your plans because he wants something else. How selfish.
A
female
reader, Ana Q +, writes (8 May 2011):
Ana Q is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your wonderful responses. Unfortunately he just can't be with me of I decide to go dancing, even if just on occasion . He says nightclubs are a singles pick up spot for 20 somethings and I really have no business there. I think there are some deeper issues because I wanted to meet friends for a drink last night (Saturday) and he told me if I went I would just leave him all by himself at home on a Saturday night:(. I invited him out but he didn't want to bc he has some social anxiety and had a traumatic incident in the neighborhood we were going out in. I would have picked another spot but I was being invited out by my sister and her friends so didn't have a say. He said I left him without a choice by going out and leaving him bc he couldn't go. I think we both know neither one of us will bend and that's ok, just unfortunate to fall in love and have it not work bc of petty things like this :(. I just know if I stay I will resent him when I see my friends doing things I want to do too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I can sympathize with your situation, especially the part where he is a "higher brow" individual. These types of people, when immature, can be condescending, insisting that their way of life is better, and in this case it sounds like he is doing exactly that.I found myself in a similar situation where I compromised far too much and he far too little. I was always adapting to him and his status and my desires were second. And I can tell you, I became a VERY unhappy girl (over 2 years) and eventually left. Also a very controlling male.Everyone has to learn their own lessons, but this struck a chord with me and I hope you can either stick up for yourself or move on. Keep an eye on his controlling behaviors and read up on manipulative and controlling people and how to deal with them. These things have a way of sneaking up on you in your relationships. If he is a controlling type, these types very rarely change. Good luck to you...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2011):
Btw, compromise in this case would mean that you cut your dancing a little bit for the relationships sake.. or for his sake. Not completely stop! Because if you completely stop, how much of the compromise comes from HIM? Nada! He's not compromising at all.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2011):
Have you talked to him about your fear? That if you give into his wishes... you will be giving into his wishes every single time, and your hobbies, your likes, and your choice of activities, will be off the table?
I've been in relationships where I started to see that path forming in front of me. A rebel as I am I fought against it furiously, causing the relationship a lot of fights. But in MY opinion, I own MY body and I get to do whatever I darn please as well. He doesn't like it? Too bad. He needs to suck it up and accept that I will do things that I enjoy even if he doesn't "approve". No boyfriend is my dad or owns me and so no boyfriend gets to tell me what I do or don't.
Likewise, I can't tell him what to do or not. There's a line where respect comes into play, but it is crucial that both parties understand where that line is and agree on it. More importantly it is necessary that you yourself have some lines you do not cross, and stick by those lines that you set for yourself! Not the lines any boyfriend sets for you.
Your problem is that you have compromised too much already. If you like dancing you should have continued dancing, not quit it. That was giving him a little finger and now he wants the entire hand, so now he wont allow it at all. He's gotten spoiled because you've been bending over too much as it is.
Some lines are universal: no cheating. But most lines are defined by the couple. Together. If he's asking too much he's asking too much, and you shouldn't let him walk over you.
Especially not as the tendency is that when a man (or woman) gets his will on one topic, he will want his will on all other topics as well. You've seen the beginning of that already, with vacations.... And it WILL continue if you let him.
It's simple: people love power. Give him power to control you and he will want more and more and wont stop wanting it.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Great question and great response. I agree with dirtball because it sounds like if you allow him too your bf will take you apart bit by bit until you don't even know who you are anymore.
It would be better to challenge him now on a few things that are important to you to see if he is able to accept it graciously, then to wait until after you are married.
Because if he can't or won't then your relationship is headed for big trouble down the line. Better to find out now, don't you think?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Excellent question Ana, and well presented.
"Am I just not ready to grow up in a relationship as he is accusing me of not doing?"
That doesn't appear to be the case to me at all. If anything, he's being overly controlling. Everyone needs friends outside of a relationship, and you should not be required to give up things you enjoy as long as those things can be handled with respect toward your partner. It all boils down to trust, and he's not showing you very much.
"Does growing mean ridding of things that the other person cannot accept and sees as 'single' habits?"
Yes and no. Some "single" habits should be gotten rid of. It all depends on what habits you're talking about. Growing up does not mean getting rid of friends or giving up activities you enjoy. It means respecting boundaries, discussing those boundaries, and compromise. I don't think you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. That would be the case if you were out clubbing all the time, but a couple times a year is nothing.
How can you go forward?
You need to explain to him what his demands are doing to you, that they are causing you to resent him. Express that you've cut down on it, but you're not going to give up dancing or spending time with your friends on occasion. You need to decide just what your limits are and make them known to him. Also express how what he's saying makes you feel like he doesn't trust you.
As for the vacation thing, where is he compromising? So, is he saying he'll do Vegas with you if you do what he wants this year? Why does that have to be the case? Why can't he do Vegas with you this year and you two can do what he wants next year? Why are his desires more important than yours?
No substance... How freaking condesending! How the hell would he know if he's never gone? He just sounds like someone afraid to experience life. He just makes convincing excuses.
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A
female
reader, IAMDONE +, writes (2 May 2011):
I believe you are thinking in the right direction when you wrote that you are worried about being married to a man who denies the things that you like to do with friends. It is important, rather married or in a relationship with someone that we dont allow them or ourselves to think that we have to stop certain things that we enjoy just to please them. There is nothing wrong with going out to dance and have fun with friends, especially since you invite him to join the party. I believe he is being selfish when he does not want to join in the things you like to do. He perhaps needs to grow up and discover what a relationship is all about...giving and sharing are important aspects of a relationship.
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