A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a really general question but I don't feel I can get all the detail of my troubled marriage down in this post. It is long and complicated and I am almost tired of thinking it all through. My question is "When do you know its really really over and that now is the time to go?" I appreciate any answers are based on individual experiences but anything would help as I am try to gain the courage to leave after years of unhappiness and I just want to know what that final feeling will be that makes me think - right, I'm doing it. Any advice at all would be really helpful. thank you.
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female
reader, seminormal  +, writes (9 November 2008):
I know every relationship is different and unique and the same. We are all different and yet we go through the same things. We ask questions that we already know the answers to but we still want the reasurrance that what our hearts tell us is the right thing to do. If only we were born with common sense....and intuition..IF ONLY!! We find ourselves in a situation where our hearts lead the path and our common sense has the map. We are resposible for our own happiness but we welcome the misery we bring into our lives. We want to please, yet we fear happiness. What would we do if life was what we dreamed it would be? Why do we lose our SELF to please someone ELSE??? Why do we accept tears to a smile and anger over happiness? Why do we settle for anything less than we deserve? It is all about YOU and YOU need to determine the amount of happiness YOU want in your life and YOU need to make the changes nessesary to make that happen. It is all about YOU!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I have never been married but I was in a long term relationship which produced a child. I don't claim to have the answers but there were always the signs that this was not a match made in heaven but I was blind to them. Chalk it up to youth and naivete. Anyway, once my son was born, all of his flaws became more pronounced. I kept saying to myself, it's one thing for me to deal with this but it is a whole other thing to have my son exposed to this nonsense. I worried about being alone, finances, being a single mother but I knew that I needed to leave. I dreaded coming home, I would silently hope he wouldn't be there when I got there. We lived together but completely stopped speaking to one another. My son was only 8 months when I left but it was almost a relief once I signed that new apartment lease. My peace of mind was worth a lot more than anything he could offer. A lot of people have said, that you are responsible for your own happiness and that is 100% true. You also cannot be responsible for someone else's. Don't hold onto a relationship out of fear that it might hurt the other person. I knew I needed to leave so that I could be the best person and the best mother I could be. Everyone's breaking point is different. Pray on it. I am advocate of prayer. When life is at it's worst, God speaks the loudest. Be faithful that everything will work out.
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A
female
reader, Butterflykiss2u  +, writes (9 June 2008):
Just know you are not alone, I am also part of this group. Everyone is brought into our lives for a reason some reasons are short lived others are a life time. But for each one of us those experiences are what was meant for a reason we may not fully understand. We are all meant to have happiness though it is up to us to open our hearts to wanting more for ourselves and our spouse. If we can not give fully to our spouse it isn't fair to either party. It is always hard to hurt someone but that pain is and experience in our lives.
All this is easier said than done. As I work through the same thing and try and find the courage I find that writing to myself/my spouse a private journal is helping me realease the hurt and anger about my failing/failed realtionship as I move toward the inevitable end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): You have my empathy. I have been through a divorce and it was not easy. I loved him very much but the situation became unbearable. I one day realized that, I did not want to continue living like that. I loved him and that made it very difficult but we discussed it and with lots of tears and sadness, he moved out and I filed for a divorce. Yes, it was emotionally traumatic, sometimes it felt as if my heart was ripped apart, and then doubt would start, but I stayed strong and today I am very happy. Initially we both suffered and it was not easy seeing each other knowing that all I had to do was say come back, but then we both would still be miserable. At least today we both moved on in life and are happy.
Hope you will find the right decision at the right time. You will know what to do when time is right, trust your instincts!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 June 2008):
 Sweetheart I have never been married but I was in a relationship for almost 20 years and it felt like being married honest.
Anyway, we had been having problems after our daughter was born as I gave her more attention than him and he was jealous in a nutshell, never discussed this but after he gave me no emotional support I got postnatal depression really bad and no one listened to me for almost 2 years, it was only after a friends little girl died aged 2 and a half that someone actually listened to me and I got some help from my GP and he actually thought oh this is what has been happening, he had been talking and seeing someone when our daughter was 7 months old but this didn't come out for 2 and a half years. We tried to work through it all with counselling but it made us realise that it was never going to work between us as too much water had gone under the bridge.
However the breaking point for me was us having a very rare day out and our daughter who was then 3 dressed in a gorgeous little lilac dress and looking so happy until her daddy shouted at her and she cried and I thought why am I doing this and putting her through all of this it just isn't fair on her so I told him it was over. It took him 10 months to find somewhere to live locally and we slept separately as we didn't have a lot of money otherwise he would have moved out sooner.
The straw that breaks the camels back is different for everyone, do you have children?
If you feel like you have no communication or love at all then what is holding you back?
Is it the fear of the unknown, i.e. where you are going to live or what you are going to do for money?
You need to go and get advice first go to the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) and if you are on low income or no income find out if you are entitled to Legal Aid through a solicitor and find out your rights, get proactive first and see how you stand.
Get your name on the local council waiting list for housing, you may well not be priority but without your name on the list you will never get anywhere and if you are actively looking for somewhere that could help you in a divorce court I think.
We are only here once in our lives and we have to live our life to the fullest and to basically be HAPPY. Why live in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children as they are the ones who are being harmed more by staying as they witness arguments or pick up on atmosphere between two parents.
Believe me parting from my ex is the best thing I ever did and my daughter is much happier that we longer live together.
I saw my sister go through a messy divorce with her twin girls and her younger daughter and they are well adjusted to it all. The twins are almost 19 now and my younger niece is 16 and they know their mother did the right thing as they were very young when she made the decision to divorce her ex.
It is NEVER too late to make the break honest. Just get strong emotionally and know your own mind.
The big question I would ask you is: What do you want out of life? If the answer is to be happy and if you have children for them to be happy then make it happen as only you can do this not anyone else.
If you want to see if anything can be saved then consider counselling before going down the divorce route but if your husband won't do that at least this has been suggested by you and again that can be said to a solicitor as well.
Here anytime for a chat OK as we all are. A lot of us have gone through where you are now so you do come out the other side and believe me you do get happier and know what life is all about.
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (8 June 2008):
 I was married the first time for ten years, 6 of them unhappily. I spent 4 years wanting to leave. What made me finally leave??? Two things
I told him if he ever raised a hand to me again I would go, it took him 2 years but just before he did it someone said this to me: 'YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS'
I think that had more effect than anything.
Basically we cannot rely on anyone else in this world to make us happy, if we are unhappy its no good blaming the other person by saying 'YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNHAPPY'. If their actions cause us to feel this way then we have to do something about it and if changing something in your life is the only answer then so be it. You have a right to be happy.
Once I had made my mind up I acted immediately by putting everything into place, i.e. realised he would never leave so found somewhere to live, asked work to increase my hours from 15 to 16 a week so I would be eligible for family tax credits, saw a solicitor, and told him I was leaving in 4 weeks time (waited until after daughters birthday) and slept in seperate rooms until I left. It wasnt easy but I have no regrets and it made me a stronger person. I wish you luck x
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