A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have very close platonic friendships and I'm queer human. Until now my life has been populated by close platonic queer friendships and sex with strangers. Often I've seen close friends enter into committed, rather traditional romantic relationships. This has had a big impact on our own friendships. Suddenly they call less, they aren't reliable, and they allocate less time to me, and they always want to talk about their partners. That's all very reasonable in my mind though it would be nice if we could have a chat about it, I understand that emotional energy for most is preserved for their romantic partner. In worst case scenarios, their personalities change, they become judgmental of others (in an effort to bury their former lives), they dissapear for long periods, one friend would insist on putting his partner on the phone with us and would reprimand me when I mentioned details of offers that he didn't want his partner to know. For me the latter is rather uncomfortable and frankly controlling. In any case, I cannot control the behavior of others. But my question is, what do I do when the friend in question has a partner who I don't find engaging or interesting, and even with friend in question, I feel less connected to their personality as the friend I originally made friends with has changed or evolved. If I've had my own friendships renegotiated, do I need to stick around? I often have experienced resentment by friends that I've abandoned or abused they somehow by renegotiating my life and making them less central as they had done to me. The difference I did it consciously. I truly wish to be a decent human, but it is apparent to me, that some friends are just for a season, very few last a lifetime. If one friend has decided I'm veyr lifetime friend bc they focused all their energy of their partner and banked on me to stick around? Am i a traitor or deceiver or did they take my own friendship for granted. Help, I need wisdom and perhaps I am a fault somehow.
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Bob Single  +, writes (21 August 2023):
Feeling like close friends change and losing interest when they enter relationships is a common experience. It's natural for dynamics to shift as people invest time in their romantic relationships. However, it's important to remember that friendships can still hold value. Communication is key – openly discussing your feelings with your friends can help them understand your perspective and maintain a healthy balance between their new relationships and existing friendships. Also, consider exploring new interests and activities to keep yourself engaged and prevent feelings of exclusion. Friendships evolve, and with understanding and effort, they can continue to thrive alongside changing circumstances.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 August 2023):
 Maybe the secret is to have lots of your own interests so you are not as reliant on your friends for your entertainment? I only have a small number of friends but each one adds something good to my life. None of them ARE my life. If they go through a period of not being in contact as much as "normal", I accept that and do other things. They don't owe me their time, as I don't owe them mine. I have no issue with my friends having other friends we don't have in common, or new partners they wish to spend time with. I value the time we DO spend together, rather than being miffed about the time we DON'T spend together.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2023): I have lots of friends where I don't like their partner - usually because we have nothing in common and I find them boring. The thing to do then is see them both together but concentrate on your friend or only see the friend without their partner. What is so complicated about that? You make a huge drama out of nothing. Everyone who has friends has this issue.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2023): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for this helpful reply. I understand why I might appear all or nothing. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not that. I think sometimes people seeing people in relationships shows a side of them I didn’t know previously. Controlling or secretive nature, people who presented themselves in their younger years as libertines suddenly showing that it was a brand or performance, or reducing what they offer as a friend substantially and expecting the other to stay put like a loyal dog. I do often chalk it up to taking the role of a friend for granted and not putting effort to communicate with those friends that things would be different but they are valued. I also suspect when people have found The One, they suddenly reveal their true personality which often is a lot more bland then someone seeking a partner
Or friends, they sometimes become extremely dull in their lives. Others expect one to adore their new partner, I believe many friends pretend to like their friend partners as if they don’t, they rightfully fear they will lose friendship. I do agree, I have felt previous friends were not good enough friends and them being even worse friends when they had a new partner and less time and energy was indeed a final straw.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 August 2023):
You seem to be an "all or nothing" person. Not saying you are wrong to be like that but, for me, friendships can ebb and flow, and sometimes they are more intense than at other times. If someone has a new partner in their life, it is only natural they will want to focus on them, which will mean they have to cut back a bit on time spent with friends. True friends will understand and make allowances (in my opinion). Unless, of course, they are looking for "a way out" of the friendship, in which case this will be an opportune moment for them to walk away while blaming the other person.
Ultimately there is no right or wrong in these situations. You are entitled to make allowances for friends and sharing them with someone else, and you are equally entitled to walk away if the new arrangement doesn't suit you. I guess it depends on how much you value your friendship and how much you want/need from your friends.
I have a friend who I have been friends with for some 20+ years. In that time, she has had a partner, got engaged, split up and set up a business, closed it down and set up a new business. We have gone through phases where we hardly see each other, to phases where we virtually live in each other's pockets. We both have other friends we see outside our own friendship. We have a common passion/interest which binds us as we always touch base with each other when something happens in this regard, always looking to the other for moral support and/or advice when needed. At the moment our friendship is going through a phase where we message virtually every day, sometimes a lot, but, for various reasons, we haven't actually met up, or even spoken on the phone, since April, even though we live barely a mile apart. I know, however, that if I needed her, she would be there for me, and the same vice versa. I also know that, next time we do go out together for a catch up, we will talk like we only saw each other yesterday. We both make allowances for other stuff going on in our respective lives and accept we are not the centre of each other's lives. If I was looking for a reason to end the friendship, I could have found 100 reasons over the years I have known her. As I am keen to keep her as a friend, I make allowances for whatever is going on in her life and live my life without her being such a major part of it, until such time as her circumstances change. She shows me the same tolerance and acceptance.
What sort of friendship do you want with these people? Only you can answer that question.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 August 2023):
Test
...............................
|
