A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Whenever my boyfriend gets stressed, be it work, home, or anything else related, he takes it out on me. When he reaches the point at which everything has built up, and he can't handle it, he asks me to give him some space to think things through. This could be one week, two weeks, three weeks... Over the past few years, he has done this several times, perhaps 4 or 5 times in total. He has always come back to me eventually, and in the time between these 'time and space' periods, we have a very close loving relationship, he treats me perfectly like a true gentleman, takes me places, is spontaneous etc. I know from talking to my other close female friends that their other halves are not half as affectionate as mine. I don't feel there is much I can do except give him the space if he want it, although it really hurts me. I do love him and I know he loves me, but I find it hard to understand this as his way of 'coping'. Is this normal behaviour? I know when I am stressed and upset, I just want to talk it through with him and have a cuddle. I know everyone deals with stress in different ways, but I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences with their other halves.
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female
reader, pickledegg +, writes (21 March 2011):
You sound very understanding and this is a testament to the type of person that you are and the type of relationship that you have when it is good. I don't know many relationship like this but every relationship is weird and wonderful in differing amounts.You don't mention if you live together but if you do then I would consider his way of dealing with things to be totally unfair and something that you have a right to want changing. It's not fair to push you away and out the door just because life is getting on top of him. Everyone is entitled to space when they are stressed but even then they should respect what they are asking of their partner when they, for want of a better word, demand this emotional exhaustion from them. Maybe suggest a code word or explain a better way of him asking for space with the premise that you will respect it if he understands what he is asking for. You deserve to have a stable relationship. My ex would do similar things, I know that if he had just said, 'honey, I need some space for a few days as I am getting stressed and worked up and I don't want to take it out on you. We'll meet next Tuesday for dinner and I'll talk it through once i've had a think and some down time' then I would have understood, however he had a habit of getting very angry at me and ignoring me for days on end without an explanation. The end of that relationship was my decision as I gave up a lot of good things to not go through a few bad. I hope everything woks out though and that you sort it out for you :) and don't worry, I am sure from what you say that he loves you a lot, he just can't communicate stress which is not something you have to put up with and it is something he can change to make the relationship perfect.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): After reading your problem,it just hit me i did the same to an ex boyfriend.I went through a really tough time last year,i was with a guy who was there for me,however i felt that what i was going through was bringing him down and felt stressed about that,to alleviate that i would break away for a few weeks.I didn't think it was his problem to tackle and felt it was the right thing to do.Personally did'nt think he was going to be around in the long run,although we were close at the time.I suggest you should let him know you want to be a permanent fixture in his life,and you will be there for him whatever.x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I know I do it :) usually not for 4 weeks, but for one, for sure :)
I mean, you need to rule out other factors: other relationships, some ingrained commitment -phobia and consequent dance (see: http://commitment-phobia.com/bookexcerpt.html).
If nothing is the matter, then it could very well be bad stress management, in the sense that he knows how to deal with it (by relaxing or thinking about it, or finding distraction) by himself but not with you.
And while talking and cuddling can be very supportive emotionally, it doesn't do much for the physical arousal of stress, for which a better choice can be a walk in the park or some sport.
Have you tried to do the same and see how he reacts? Perhaps he has no clue that this is hurting you..
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A
female
reader, ms helpful +, writes (21 March 2011):
I think in this situation the first thing to do is when he starts to get stressed let him know your there for him and make him acknowledge that you will support and agree with his decisions but this doesn't consist of having a break.Tell him how this makes you feel when he tells you you need a break and try to understand how he comes to the decision of saying why he wants a break.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09  +, writes (21 March 2011):
ok i understand what stress can do to a person but u have to think about yourself here...what if one day the stress is too much and he cuts you out of his life for good? are u prepared for such a thing? because if whenever he gets stressed. the first thing he thinks to do is drop you, thats a red flag. if i was stressed my (ex)girl was the first person i needed. but everyone is different. tell him u want to help him when he is stressed .
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