A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. A man and a woman start to engage in an office flirtation after having worked occasionally with each other for 4 years. After 6 months of manoeuvring the woman blatantly comes on to the man and then the man asks the woman out via e-mail the following day. The women then rejects his approach by return e-mail and then blanks the man whenever they pass in the corridor. His e-mail was spirited, not insulting, a little cheeky but overall pitched with the right kind of intensity to imply that he acknowledged the fact that he had liked her for a considerable length of time. She is married and he is not married but has children. They definitely liked each other before the proposition and rejection. Question. What purpose does 'blanking' actually serve? Does she fancy him but resents him for making her life complicated? Does he owe her an apology? All a bit confusing. How long should a man accept this 'blanking' before asking the woman to spare some time for him to have one of 'those talks'? Your views are much appreciated? Many thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): The deed is done. In the end I booked a meeting room which had a view of her at her desk. When she was alone I quickly fired her an e-mail inviting her to the meeting room to accept my 'closure' letter. She bottled out and headed off elsewhere instead. Next thing you know a woman from Human Resources came to the meeting room for a friendly chat. She agreed to pass on the letter for me and later confirmed that the lady of my desires had indeed accepted the letter from her. Everything was kept off the record, but basically I have promised not to go near her again unless there is a business need. I'll stick to that of course. Like I said: job done.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): ...then a repressor protein - which blocks the operating cells? BladeRunner quote of course! :o)
I've decided on a short 'closure' note to be hand-delivered to her last thing this Friday. Pitched just right of course with no false hope implied. That will honestly conclude matters as far as I am concerned. She was in my open plan area again today showing a colleague around. She was evidently trying very hard not to make eye contact with me - and I was not making toffee eyes at her I hasten to add. The flirtation is over and as soon as I pass her that note then the matter really will be put to bed once and for all. People are what counts at the end of the day - that's what we remember when looking back over the years i.e. not page 148, indent number 3 of a human resources manual. Thanks again though, kind Sir! I'll let you know what 'happens'. After Friday I can breathe more easily around the office coffee areas! If she never talks to me again then that’s absolutely fine since she will have read my note and know that whenever she blanks me in the corridor in the future she is blanking someone who thinks she is a very special woman indeed. I can live with that. Honestly...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2008):
 Those five minutes are a bad idea. You can say you just want to say goodbye, but she will see it as "here he comes again". I don't think she will give you the five minutes. Instead, she will insist that she has already made it clear she doesn't want to be with you. Or, she can take action against you. And, frankly, in this part of the problem I would agree with her. You already know where you stand, so don't insist.
It seems you don't want closure, but to see and talk to her again. Not being able to do that hurts you very deep. This is perhaps the hardest part. You are supposed to turn your feelings off at once, and give up in silence, without complaints. It's difficult, but that's what you have to do.
She responded to your flirting because she felt flattered. She doesn't want to carry on with it anymore. Married people should not flirt with anyone, as they are in committed relationships, or relationships assumed to be full commitment. She did wrong in this. You can't just fall out of love or lust in a second, particularly if she gave you what turns out to be false hope. I side with you this far. As to your insisting, I side with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Thanks for your comments everyone. I agree that whatever the initial flirtation the odds are that she definitely does not want to pursue anything with me. Nonetheless, I hope she will agree to spending 5 minutes with me at work for a private chat this coming week so that we can have some sort of 'closure' in an amicable way. I certainly can't continue like this - my concentration is starting to be impacted apart from anything else. Must confess that I started the flirtation with a Valentine card and chocolates. This really took her by surprise and she went to ground for a while before really starting to flirt with me about two months later. I guess the situation is about as uncomfortable as we are prepared to make it. I'll have my five minute chat with her and end on a complimentary note. I saw this chat coming 4 years ago in fact. I hope I manage to get through the chat without crying. I've been feeling rather emotional this past week. Stll - worst things happen at sea (more salty water there of course!).
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 August 2008):
Ah, you don't owe her an apology. You don't have to apologize for liking a woman. That said, You WOULD CERTAINLY owe her way more than an apology if you kept going at her now that you know full well she doesn't want it.
Ah, another suggestion: don't ever date anyone you work with. Or anyone you do business with. Or a neighbor you will see often in the future, relationship or not. It's a very, very, very bad idea.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 August 2008):
You knew she was flirting with you. Since she is married, you assumed she wouldn't flirt with you without really meaning to have something. That was a wrong assumption. As of today, what you have on your table is that, whatever she had in her mind, she doesn't want to continue flirting with you and the friendship is definitely over.
Once, as part of my work, I had to translate a company's policy on sexual harassment for several groups of people, mostly watchmen and drivers. The instructor, a woman and a lawyer, mentioned that the policy stated that, whatever the initial reason, if a person made it clear that she or he no longer welcomed any advances, the other party would be considered to be informed of that fact and would be supposed to stop. This is what you have to do now. It doesn't matter why she was flirting with you or what you thought it meant. Maybe it clearly meant she wanted to sleep with you and couldn't wait to lay her hands on you; but now she has made it clear she is not interested in a relationship with you. That is what counts.
You could write an e-mail saying you honestly thought she was interested in you, but now recognize she isn't, and, therefore, will stay out of her way to prevent any complications. You can assure her you will keep your contacts to the minimum necessary for the job, and you can honor your word and do exactly that. Or, better yet, not to have any contact with her. You need to keep that e-mail, too. All this will save your ass in legal terms.
Or, you can simply not say a word, and go on with your life. That's what I recommend you do. Next time a married woman flirts with you, play the fool and ignore the flirting. You have a lesson to learn here: you don't want to have this sort of problems again. So, don't let it happen. There's plenty of single women out there. Make it a rule for you not to let yourself be carried away by your interest in a married woman.
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A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (8 August 2008):
 Well first, no matter what attraction or flirtation there is or was, you shouldn't have sent an email suggesting a date to a married woman. End of story.
Just because she's flirting, it doesn't mean that she's interested. She may well be ignoring you to save the embarassment that she thinks she's caused by harmless flirting.
I think you should apologize. 1) For advancing like that on a woman, who could be happily married and 2) For being so forward.
Tell her you were wrong and that you'd just like to be friends.
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