A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is for the guys on here if you don't mind helping.When a guy says he wont get married as its just a piece of paper and ring, then says maybe in 5 years, will he ever get married to me or am I fighting a loosing battle?I love him so much and I know he loves me too, we have lived together now for 3 months and been together nearly a year. BUT known each other for many years , yet I still don't get men at all lol.how can I approach the subject with him again another time but in a less girlie fashion and a way he will want to respond sincerely ?? Im not in a rush, I just want to know if I am going to be hanging on . My ex said he never wanted marriage, yet he met a girl and 5 months later married her .thanks in advance,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): I'll be honest, i was always adamant i wouldn't get marry, i was even slightly against the idea... But now i'm engaged to the woman i love and am due to get married in 20 months time. People change, if he's the one for you it will happen if not then it won't, don't try and force it just see what happens. Life is all about the journey.............
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): my story, i met a man moved in with him and he said the same thing its just a piece of paper. and when you get that piece of paper you think you own that person. i waited for seven years to get married to him, each year telling him i was tired of living with him i wanted to be his wife. we finally got married, we went to the court house no fancy wedding. fast forward 20 years later married for 12 and he leaves me for a younger model, gets her pregnant and marries her a month after the baby is born. he married her the same way. some men dont want to marry but do so because they are forced to in some form or fashion. enjoy what you have with him, and if he feels you are marriage material he will marry you, if not he will marry you just because he is being pressured. but it wont last i dont think.i would move out, get my own place, tell him that you still want to date.
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female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (23 October 2013):
If marriage is really important to you then quiz him casually about it. Don't make a big deal about it but you deserve to know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Marriage is not the be all and end all. Been there, done that. Never again. It is not a built in happily ever after.I would happily love to trade places with you and live with a man without tying myself down.If you love each other, you love each other with or without a piece or paper or ring. Although I would definitely take the ring! LolIf marriage is so important to you and not to him, maybe you need to search for someone who shares your values?I think at your age marriage seems to be more important. It was everything for me when I got married at 27. I got caught up in planning the wedding. Looking for the dress. The bridesmaids dresses. The venue. Photographer. On and on.It was pretty stressful at times. LolFast forward 18 years later, I wonder what the hoopla was all about. If I could do it all over again, I probably would not do it. If you are secure in your boyfriend's love, that it all that matters. Just try and enjoy your relationship for what it is and as is. Putting undue pressure on him or your relationship will only cause problems for both of you. He may feel too pressured and start to withdraw and distance himself. He is a guy, isn't he? LolJust enjoy your relationship. Laugh together. Be a couple without this marriage pressure. If and when the moment is right, it will come and it will not be forced. Men do not like to feel pressured. If you are happy and have a life of your own and maintain a sense of independence, this would be very healthy for you. Your identity should never be tied into another person.Do not make the mistake of thinking only if he marries me, will I be happy. NOT TRUE. You can be happy anyway.Trust me, if or when you get married, you will not feel any different. Marriage does not make things better magically. And it does not make him more committed either. Many marriages nowadays end in divorce. The piece of paper is not that important in the big picture.Marriage is supposed to be forever. It is a serious commitment. Make sure it is what you really want and what he really wants. I wish I had not jumped into it so quickly. I pressured him to ask me to marry him and he did. Another friend gave her boyfriend an ultimatum. Marry me or I am gone. He finally asked her to marry him but what an awful way to go about it. A few years later they have kids and are both alcoholics and are staying together out of obligation and mostly the kids. They drink their unhappiness away. Very sad.I think maybe you need to just enjoy what you have and ease up on the pressure.What is meant to be will be. Just go with the flow. Let things happen naturally. They will happen in their own time if that is what your future is meant to hold.No more pressure. Relationships are already hard enough. What you need to work on most is keeping your relationship strong and the magic alive. The magic always does die. You want to make sure it never does. And look beyond the chemical attraction and really study this man and your compatibility as a couple long term. Will it really work? Is this really the one? Very hard questions.Sometimes people jump for the sake of jumping. Because marriage is what is expected of us. Because it shows the world your man loves you if he asks you to marry him. Because we are trying to please our parents. The man can really care about you without wanting to get married.What are your TRUE motivations for marriage? Think about that.I married because I was trying to please my parents and thought it was what was expected of me. Looking back it was a mistake. I wish I had waited longer and dated more men.I wish you both the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): To quote an old cliché, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
You gave up any leverage you may have had when you agreed to shack up with him. He's telling just enough to string you along without making any promises.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 Why would you ever consider moving in with a man without having had this discussion beforehand?
A good friend of mine dated a man for four years. He was a widower, she was happy to be his girlfriend, but somehow they never moved beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend title, even though they practically lived together. She assumed he just didn't want to go through a wedding and all that stuff again….
Right before a major vacation that they had planned for a year, he informed her that they would be going only as friends.
Cut to the final scene in this tragedy: within a year, he was married to another woman.
The moral of this story (as I see it): don't move in with the guy unless you have a commitment that satisfies you. I think you moved in with him way way wayyyyyy too early.
The other moral of the story is that if he won't even discuss it then, assume he doesn't want to marry you. And plan accordingly.
If I were you, I'd move out, and NOT move back in with any man until you were engaged and had a date set. That goes for this man, or most likely, the next guy, as this one doesn't seem to be thinking along the same lines as you.
Again, for me, the real question is directed at you: Why would you move in with this man before having a firm handle on the future of the relationship?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 Here's the straight scoop on guys and marriage.....
To guys, "being married" means that you get s*x whenever you want... heck, your "partner" lives with you!.... and not much else is demanded/expected of you....
HOWEVER, we DO KNOW that girls like to have weddings and ceremonies... and a ring... and brag to their friends that they are just OH-SO happily married.... and we have to do SOMETHING to accomodate THAT... so's we can keep getting the s*x that we so covet....
SOOOoooo, we throw you this bone of ".. I don't think marriage is all that it's cracked up to be.... just a flimsy piece of paper and a silly ring..." to keep YOU interested in providing that s*x that we think that "marriage" is all about......
Bottom line.... what he's telling you is that you are NEVER going to get this guy to the altar... and he is STILL expecting you to put out, nonetheless..... until you come to your senses and dump him. (Yes, he KNOWS that you are going to come to your senses and dump him. He just wants to keep you interested as long as the s*x is good!)..
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): Let me guess. He's been married and divorced?Five years, huh? You're going to get a lecture. Here it is.You're ten pages from the end of the book, and you haven't read the first chapter. You're not fighting a losing battle,you're fighting without a cause. Try enjoying the guy as a boyfriend. He may not even be marriage material in the first place.Men and women enter relationships together; but may approach the intent of marriage at a different pace.He may only be looking for a girlfriend; while you're searching for a husband. This is a mismatch from the start.Women usually see a relationship as a trial union and prelude to marriage. They're so darn practical and mature."Why waste time on a guy, if he doesn't want you for always?" This may be her line of thinking.Men see it as giving up your freedom to be with other women; for the one and only lady you have feelings for, at the moment. His feelings may grow and evolve over time. Emotionally, men slowly grow through stages. Women mature faster than we do.You feel you have saved your heart for the right guy. He feels he is settling down and accepting manhood; but marriage is a future consideration. A distant consideration.Maybe never.He first has to see how this will all work out, and if it will ever make him feel satisfied enough to want to make it permanent. It takes guys a loooooong time to come to that conclusion. Many single women are mentally contemplating on marriage by the third date. Especially those over 25.Commitment doesn't always lead to marriage to the person you're with. That depends on the type of guy you're with. Marriage-anxious women don't keep men for very long. They're on a mission to the alter, and can't enjoy a good relationship without pressuring a guy. Oh, I know all the reasons. If he really loves you, he's not letting you get away. Nor is he racing to the alter to prove anything.He's got to let that feeling awaken inside; but you can't rush it. He's not settling down for one woman, kids, and a mortgage; until he feels it's really worth sharing it with you. Too much pressuring will force him ahead of schedule. He'll forever feel regret; miss his freedom, and he will sabotage the marriage until you divorce him. So, in your case, he is cooling your jets by letting you know it isn't happening this year, or the next. That means, stay off the subject.Some ladies are just too insecure and too needy. Don't try to sell me on the theory that all men fear commitment. They fear commitment to the wrong woman. Some shrill, possessive, annoyingly insecure female who clings like lint. Yes there are men who won't commit. Why bother even trying? Move on to a better prospect. Stay single and available. There are men out there actually searching for a wife. For some strange reason, they're the ones that get overlooked.Marriage "technically" is only paper and a ring; when you're not the least interested. However; it's a ball and chain when it's with someone who always has some issue about her body, has to keep track of every move, hasn't gotten over wounds from her past, and doesn't sense her own strength and independence aside from being a couple. These are red-flags that make men drag their feet. They've had girlfriends like that before, or even a wife. So a snail could pass him in a race to the alter.A "commitment-junky" is a crazy person who doesn't believe they can exist as a single person. They are defined by being in a relationship, and need someone to lean on. Theyget-off and thrive on the concept of "being in-love," like being on heroine. They make horrible spouses. Men are afraid of them. Women run screaming from them. The male-version is worse. Both versions have many many exes. Beware! (Make sure you don't act like one.)Her whole life is centered on one man. Like she has surrendered her soul, abdicated all her power, and extinguished her own existence. All she lives for is clinging to a man. That is totally scary. There is no room for anything voluntary, it's like she has cast a net over the relationship. He can feel her sucking up all the air when she enters the room. The guy-version makes you feel like you're in a cage. Up on a pedestal. Dare to escape. You'll fall and crash. He'll lose his mind, and become a stalker.The possibility of marriage improves when the woman is strong, self-reliant, and knows her own power. He's putty in her hands and she realizes it. She's a prize. She has choices. She knows that if he marries her, he will make it his life's mission to please her. Her confidence and security means she'll make a good mother, and a strong partner. The combined-strength makes him feel invincible. That's what men are looking for. Everything is voluntary. Love is built between two people who know who they are. She only goes for the men that she knows she can get. She only wants men she knows are good enough for her, and to her.Marriage is more likely to happen for women who don't care when, or if, it happens. Those who rush into it, often end up divorced. They stay single a very long time, before ever even considering it again. Appreciate, study, and work on what you already have. Enjoy it for what it's worth, and is for now. Look out for the red-flags, and push marriage as far to the back of your mind as possible. He may not be the one. If he is, nothing will stop marriage from happening. All you have to do is be there, be strong, show the love, and he'll know you're the one. Then it will mean a lot more than a ring and paper; but a lifetime of joy, suffering together, overcoming obstacles, and building a happy life as a couple.We're living in the 21st century. The majority of marriages are ending in divorce; so it should be approached with caution. You lose a spouse, custody of children, property,and you see the ugliest side of people when going through the process. Men usually get the worse side of it. So we fear it most. So he may only be avoiding the subject, not the possibility. You can leave when you feel you've invested more emotion and time then he deserves.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 October 2013):
Everyone has an opinion on this, and it seems like we all think that ours is the only right one, but the truth is that everyone is different and there's just no way of knowing what he'll do.
Tendersmile says "if it's just a ring and a piece of paper why won't he do it?" Well, it's obviously more complicated than that. What happens if you want a divorce? Why pay for a wedding if it's not important to you? Why should he go through that, if in the end marriage to you or anyone else isn't important to him?
SVC says "he just doesn't want to get married to you." This is very likely, but it's hard to say. I had a gf who I really cared about. But she wanted to get married after only a year of dating when we were both on our early 20's. I felt the time just wasn't right and that we hadn't been together long enough, so we didn't marry.
I never cared too much about marriage and would have been perfectly fine without ever getting married. Then I met my wife to be. I fell in love with her pretty quickly and marriage was important to her, so I didn't have a problem with getting married. She was happy with a simple wedding so the idea grew on me. Wedding day I had zero doubts.
So, it could be either way. In my opinion if you're willing to leave him because he won't marry you than you shouldn't marry him if he wants to marry you. I say this because when you find the right person you wouldn't want to lose them even if it meant not getting married.
Honestly, I like being married to my wife. But, in reality, it's not going to drastically change your relationship.
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female
reader, narturallycurlyhair  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 I've been in the same situation with my ex. He kept putting off the wedding, saying myabe in 3 years, maybe in 5 years. He refused to marry me even when he knew my mom was dying of cancer and she desperately wanted to see me married before she died. To me, that was the last straw and I left him. I'm sure I'd still be waiting if I hadn't left him. He'd been beating around the bush for nearly 5 (five!!!) years, making me feel clingy and needy just because I wanted marriage. SoVeryConfused is so right: he just didn't want to get married to me! My current husband knew he wanted to marry me a few months after we started dating and we got married a few months later- my husband was one of those guys who said he'd never get married and took pride in that. He never got married... till he met me!So, bottom line is, as harsh as this may sound: he won't marry you, not now not in 5 years. You'll just be sitting around waiting for him to marry you. Don't do that! It's gonna bring you down eventually making you feel like you're not good enough for marriage. I moved on form a situation that was exactly like yours and I'm so glad I did!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2013):
 Sadly for you he’s leaving off the key words “TO YOU”. I have learned this over the last few years. My dear friend is married a year. She was a first time bride at 40 to a first time groom of age 52. He just never met the right woman.
I met my now husband when he was 37. I did not wish to marry at the time. I had been there done that and was not impressed. He informed me then that he was NEVER getting married. That marriage was STUPID and not needed. I agreed. Then he fell in love and never ever wanted to lose me and HE was the one who wanted to get married. We just celebrated a year married. Three days before we left to go to vegas to get married I told him “we don’t have to get married, everything is working perfectly now” and he said “nope we are getting married”
My take on this is when a man says he is never getting married he means “I am NEVER getting married TO YOU”.
I can assure you that the second they know they want to marry you, it’s on the table. Even if it’s just 3 months into the relationship. If after a year together he still says NO to marriage, then more than likely in 5 years it will be the same thing. And if he ever does marry you it will be to just keep the peace not because he wants to do it on his own.
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female
reader, tendersmile  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 I would say you have to look into the reason if its just a piece of paper and a ring then why he is avoiding it, is he being honest about this or he z just avoiding it. If he really loves you then a piece of paper and a ring agreement wont be that difficult.Secondly why in 5 year, is he not ready for the commitment and responsibilities or is he looking for other opportunities, or is he financially not stable enough to support a marriage. i would suggest that if you really find that this is it then an all or none rule can be used. I mean you should ask him to think about it for the final time and during this time period avoid any contact with him. and when he calls tell him you are giving him time to think about something that matters to you. if he agrees he z yours if not then i think you are definitely wasting ur time.
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