A
female
age
36-40,
*andy01
writes:I'm in a great relationship, my partner couldn't be better for me, he treats me great he's not over protective...I could go on forever about how fabulous he is. Now a little back ground, my last relationship was very abusive mentally, physically and sexually. He was also a serial cheater no one was off limits even my family in the end! I wont lie it left me in a bad way. I was in that relationship for 2 years when I was 16 I'm now 20, almost 21 and I have been with my boyfriend for a year. During the time I have been with my current boyfriend he has helped me a lot with my trust issues, I trust him completely and also with my sex issues. In the year we have been together we have had one argument that was settled right after it, which is great. Ok now here is my problem, I want to argue with him. I'm sitting here writing this wanting to have a massive argument. I want him to shout at me and I want to cry and shout back. I feel like this a lot, only when I'm not with him. I don't know what is wrong with me? I don't know if other people feel like this because I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone because they will think I'm a complete weirdo, which I guess I am. I'm scared I'm going to start arguing with him over nothing and lose the person I love so much. Another thing that troubles me is that I keep thinking he's going to die, it's like my biggest fear. When I think of it I just start crying. I've never had these thoughts before, I'm just so scared to lose him. Do I love him too much? But if I did then why would I want to fight with him? I'm so confused. Thanks for your time, I know it's really long. Mandy Xx" Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Katrien  +, writes (3 June 2008):
Hi.
I can definately relate!
I was in an abusive relationship. And when i found my new husband, who is completely opposite, I would rant and rave at him for no reason. And he was so sweet about it.
I finally figured out that I wanted to make him angry at me to see whether he would lose his top and hit me if he got too angry!
He has never done, and gets hurt when i insult him.
But now, when i get the urge, i realise why, and i can stop.
And be grateful for the relationship that i am in...
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Good luck with the counselling x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Wonderfull, mandy. I think counselling will be wonderfull for you. There very good at helping you deal with strong emotions, and besides like they say "It's good to talk". Take care babes, good luck. Big hugs from us all.
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A
female
reader, Mandy01 +, writes (3 June 2008):
Mandy01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi ladies,
Thank you so much for getting back to me.
Lexilou - I think you could be right about the attention or maybe its the drama, but I dont understand why, it's not like I enjoyed it?! I guess its all about dealing with your emotions but it is hard.
I dont want him to leave I'm scared incase he does! I don't want to loose him. I haven't actually argued with him over nothing yet, I just feel a strong urg to do it. I guess it's like an addiction or something.
I'm going to go for counseling. I thought I didn't need to but I realise now that I really do.
Thanks again
Mandy Xx
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 I used to have panic attacks about people I loved dying. I went to a psychologist, and she gave me some great advice:
1. Remember, this is a panic attack. It will go away. Count to 30, breathe, and remind yourself that in 3 minutes' time, you'll probably be fine, and your loved one will be alive, too.
2. If something comes to mind, a specific image, perhaps, go through the motions of how you would cope in your mind. Think about who you would fly to, who you could lean on, and so on.
You've been through a rough time... Good luck, and remember - keep the communication open. He sounds like he understands and supports you, which is great for you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (2 June 2008):
Being scared your partner will die is a normal part of really loving someone and it just means you are afraid to lose them, its like youve finally found the love of your life and are frightened it wont last forever.
As for wanting to scream and shout and argue it could be that you got into a pattern of this with your ex and it almost feels as though this new relationship is incomplete without this. You probably had a routine where you argued, he hit you or abused you, you ended up crying and eventually made up again only for it all to start again another day, during which time you could say you got a lot of attention albeit negative. This is often the reason women fall for the same type again and again as they crave this attention without even realising it.
My husband is so the opposite of my ex who sounds very similar to your ex and for a long time I used to push my husband to the point where my ex would have hit me. New hubbie never has or would but I learned to curb this impulse and accept him for who is, a man who really love me and cares about me and I get all the attention I need in other ways.
Count to ten when you feel this urge, distract yourself with loud music or dust the house!! Think about how awful it would be if your new man either turned out like your ex or left you because he couldnt take your argumentative outbursts. Its just a case of retraining your mind. Theres nothing wrong with a little argument in any relationship just as long as it doesnt become abusive or violent.
Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, you poor dear. Big hugs and lots of love coming from me to you.
When are you going to stop punishing yourself? Why have you done for you to think that you don't deserve a wonderfull boyfriend and a happy life? Why are you pushing him away? Why do you want him to leave you.
You deserve happiness, you have it in your lap if you only just trust and reach out to him. Your not going to loose him, if you do it's because you drove him away. He's not going to die yet. Yes, the nightmare you suffered with the other guy is finished. He can't hurt you again. He can't touch you.
Your with this new guy, he loves you, he wants the best for you, he wants to help. Mental, physical and sexual abuse would leave any human being scared and nervous about being hurt again. But this guy dosen't sound like he'll hurt you.
I don't think your over that horrible relationship. Your still the scared little girl you was when you were 16. If you had a crystal ball, and could travel 20 years into the future, what would you like to tell the 20 year old that you are now. Would you want her to continue like this or would you tell her to stop worrying and relax in the arms of the man she loves.
Since your in the UK, I would suggest you pop along to your doctor and tell him about some of the things your feeling and have suffered. I'm sure a referal to a counsellor will help you a great deal. What your feeling is totally natural and right, due to your past circumstances, but you need help to see that the abuse has finished and over and happiness is now here.
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