A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:I had a baby 3 months ago. I just found out I am pregnant again. I am happy because I wanted my daughter to have a sibling close in age to play with etc. I feel that it will make her happier, I also really love being a mom. I am not married to the father (same father to both) I think a lot of people ridicule me for not being married, I do want to be, I brought the subject up to him twice and he said he would, but nothing has materialized and he never talks about it or brings it up, so I don't want to nag him and keep bringing it up. It really bothers me that he doesn't seem to care if we are or not. We told his parents today that I am pregnant again, his dad was not approving although I am 26 and he is 32. He has a good job and I am a stay at home mom right now. We live togehter. I was wondering if that is the reason why some people disapprove because we aren't married? I didn't think his dad was religious so I didn't think he would act like that. His mom was decently happy about it. I just don't see why his dad wouldn't be happy about it. He said something like "oh boy..you're going to need a bigger place, a bigger car, another job." Then his sister said something in reference to the fact that His dad and mom had 2 kids right in a row and his dad said it was nothing the same..in a disapproving tone. He actually sounded mad about it. My sisters also didn't approve, and my dad sounded mad today when I called him, I guess my sister told him about it so he already knew when I called him today. It seems like my dad should have called me when he found out, but he didn't and when I called him, he sounded like he didn't want to talk to me. We don't do anything bad, I think we are good parents. Other than the fact that we aren't married I don't understand why people are disapproving. They weren't like this the 1st time I told them I was pregnant, they were actually excited and happy for me. The people who act like they disapprove haven't said anything in particular as to why they feel that way, so I don't know why they feel the way they do. They just talk about it in a disapproving tone, and say nothing positive about it. For example, my sister said "what are you going to do now" and I said I am going to have the baby. And then she told me I was crazy!! We really aren't on welfare, or drugs or anything, so I don't understand..I am not trying to act like being an unwed mother is no big deal. I want to be married and I get really upset and cry about the fact that I am a single mom and that he doesn't seem to want to marry me, or he just doesn't care. And if that were the case I don't see why he would even want a family with me, because he is a good dad, and he supports us 100%. If anyone can shed some light on the subject, I would appreciate it as I am pretty confused and hurt right now. Thank you.
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (27 July 2007):
 I disagree with the person who believes that there is nothing wrong with having children out of wedlock. There is something very wrong with that concept. SEX, creates children not families. Marriage creates a family. If this man loves you, instead of giving you a house full of babies he should be giving you his last name. You should not be afraid to ask for what you want, you say that it makes you upset and you cry then obviously you want it a lot more than you say. You cant force him to marry you but at least express how much you want it. After this baby birthcontrol might be a good idea, until you guys figure out where your relationship is going.
A
male
reader, blaz£  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 ok well watever you do all the best ok? i really hope things go well for you;)but yeah remember there are more fish in the sea x
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Just be strong and tell him your needs. If he respects you as a woman and the mother of his children, he'll want to make you happy. If he doesn't, stop making kids with him What ever you choose, speak your mind.
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A
female
reader, ilikenight +, writes (23 July 2007):
ilikenight is verified as being by the original poster of the question I agree with you 100% Eddie. My mom has been married three times, and my dad twice. I had a horrible upbringing. I don't want that for my babies..I want them to have two parents who are married, and together forever. That is why I am upset..I really don't think my boyfriend is going to leave me. I have known him for 7 yrs. and he is a really good person. I am just thinking that it sure would be nice not to be looked down upon and to have the security I desire for me and our children.
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A
female
reader, ilikenight +, writes (23 July 2007):
ilikenight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am a stay at home mom, that is why I don't have medical insurance (no job). I am sure I could afford to buy insurance, but why do that when I can get it free for the duration of my pregnancy? And no, he doesn't nag me for sex. I actually like to have sex unlike some women. I also live in Michigan which is the worst state for unemployment and high living costs in the country. So that makes it harder..there are so many houses for sale b/c people are looking to get out of this state. Things are just bad right now. You're right though, I do need to get some confidence and tell him what I want. I have never been good at asking for what I want. I guess deep down I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe that is why I got pregnant with a guy's baby who doesn't really care for me as much as I would like. Thanks for your insight!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 July 2007):
I'd like to add one more thing. Shan14 stated that she doesn't see anything wrong with having kids out of wedlock. Being married is not everything. Being under the same roof is. Of course we will survive without two parents in the house. WE can also walk with one leg. It's called hopping. We can hear with hearing aids. WE can survive on bread and water and we could live in a cardboard box on the streets. We can survive many things. Survival doesn't mean it's a good idea though.
-it most often means no father in the house. Fathers are just as important as mothers. Kids have two parents. They're both supposed to be in the house, no matter how we try to minimize the importance of that. Young girls shouldn't have 3 kids by 3 fathers by the time they're 21 and fathers shouldn't have kids with different mothers all over town. THAT creates chaos and poverty. Kids do end up wondering "why doesn't my daddy want to live with me"? It's a fair question too.
-there are too many kids growing up with half siblings and step parents etc. It doesn't necessarily make people good or bad, it's just not the family unit that is ideal to raise kids.
-there are skills we learn form our parents and many of them are gender based. Although that is not politically correct to say, it's 100 % true.
-when Mom's at work, it's nice if Dad is at home...or the other way around.
-people are suppose to live with their kids, not just send money every month.
There are many more reasons to live together in marriage than there are to bounce around from person to person.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 July 2007):
It seems you're in a sticky situation. You say you have pride. If you have pride, then you need to use it to do the right thing. Your pride should be asking you why you became pregnant with a guy who's not totally there for you. Pride should tell you that it's not important what your boyfriends parents do or think about marriage. You're an adult and you're making kids. You need to call the shots. Of course, approval is nice but not everything.
As far as being a nag to your boyfriend, who cares. I bet he's nagging you for sex, correct? It's not wrong to desire to be married. Get some backbone around him and stand up for yourself. Beware though, marrying him is not going to make anything "better" if he's not interested in marriage.
You say you can afford to have kids but you can't afford medical insurance. I guess then, it means you can't afford to have kids. I know in the USA it tough with the cost of insurance but that is part of it. There might be a way to get on your boyfriends insurance if you're living common law.
Anyway, you need to speak your mind and and make your point. That will be a good judge of character.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 July 2007):
It seems you're in a sticky situation. You say you have pride. If you have pride, then you need to use it to do the right thing. Your pride should be asking you why you became pregnant with a guy who's not totally there for you. Pride should tell you that it's not important what your boyfriends parents do or think about marriage. You're an adult and you're making kids. You need to call the shots. Of course, approval is nice but not everything.
As far as being a nag to your boyfriend, who cares. I bet he's nagging you for sex, correct? It's not wrong to desire to be married. Get some backbone around him and stand up for yourself. Beware though, marrying him is not going to make anything "better" if he's not interested in marriage.
You say you can afford to have kids but you can't afford medical insurance. I guess then, it means you can't afford to have kids. I know in the USA it tough with the cost of insurance but that is part of it. There might be a way to get on your boyfriends insurance if you're living common law.
Anyway, you need to speak your mind and and make your point. That will be a good judge of character.
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A
female
reader, ilikenight +, writes (23 July 2007):
ilikenight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe isn't "waiting" to get married. We just don't talk about it. Like I said, I don't want to nag him & I feel that if he wanted to marry me he would talk about it, at least once. My family doesn't know my feelings, no one but I do b/c I keep these feelings inside b/c I don't want to look weak or like a nagging hag. Some women drag men to the alter & I'm not that way, call it pride. We did talk about it twice & he did ask me but then we never talked about it afterwards. I did ask a minister I know if he would marry us, & he said he doesn't do that anymore. I told my boyfriend that & that was it, we haven't spoken about it since. I just don't see why my boyfriend, who's parents are still married wouldn't think it was important enough to even talk about it. I did tell him I needed some security, so he knows I'm feeling insecure. I don't know what to do, just tell him that we're going to the court house & getting married tomorrow? I just don't know how to talk about it with him b/c it makes me feel so insecure. I wish he would want to marry me so that I wouldn't have to feel unworthy. I feel ashamed of myself & my family now that he hasn't said anything. It makes me think he's avoiding it, so I don't want to bring it up. The other day I told him I had to try & get on state funded health insurance b/c I am pregnant & he said he could put me on his & I said no you can't b/c we're not married..And he said oh, you can't just add anyone to your insurance? And I said no...and that was it. I feel like if he wanted to get married that would have been a time he would say it. Not just act like it wasn't an option. I guess I should have never even gotten together with him b/c he doesn't really care about anything, he's so laid back & it seems like he has no feelings. But I have to stick it out for my family, so I will.
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A
male
reader, blaz£ +, writes (23 July 2007):
has he always been like that?
you've noticed a change in his dads personality towards you and if he isnt sure about giving a commitment there might be something going on. not sure what it could be but make sure nothing has happend with him or his dad that might be affecting whats going on.
and babe be care that you dont get nvolved in anything dangerous.
if nothing like that is happening chances are he is confussed, but then then that wouldnt explain why his dad is actiing up.
try and find out whats going on, ok?
good luck and hope that the baby is healthy,
all the best x
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 July 2007):
Your own words are...."I want to be married and I get really upset and cry about the fact that I am a single mom and that he doesn't seem to want to marry me, or he just doesn't care." Those were your words. So I'm sure your family is aware of your feelings too. Since they're aware of your feelings, they probably don't understand why you would celebrate another child when you're unhappy with the state of your relationship with the father. That makes sense. Every child you have ties you down a little more to that man.
One thing is for sure. When two people sleep together and a child is conceived, we can only guarantee one thing. That is the location of the baby. Fathers can pack up and leave, you're still pregnant. Although it's 50 /50 to make the baby, the pregnancy is all mother if the father chooses to leave. The woman can't run from what's inside her. So I'm assuming they're wondering the point of making the family unit bigger when it hasn't actually become a unit yet.
Was your first pregnancy planned? If it wasn't, I can see why people would question another. Not everybody has to be married. In this case though, it bothers you that you're not. THAT is the issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Does your partner really understand how much you want to be married? He may think there is no need to marry as you already live together and have a family.
In relation to the responses you have recieved from both sides of the family, it sounds as though they are all merely concerned by the small age gap between children and how much stress this will put you both under, financially and emotionally.
I would advice you to speak honestly with your partner about your feelings concerning marriage and the families reactions, so that you are able to talk to all concerned and perhaps ease their worries.
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A
female
reader, Shan14 +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I don't see what's wrong with having kids out of wedlock.
Maybe on the first baby they were so happy because they thought since you got pregnant you'll be getting married too. But when that didn't happen and you got pregnant again they were mad because now u will have 2 children out of wedlock. Have you asked your boyfriend why he's waiting so long to get married?
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