A
female
age
41-50,
*amela888
writes:hi,My husband went to the Cabaret. The waitress that served him there got in touch with him thru mail saying that it'll be nice to know him and his friends and that he should contact her and they'll have a great time.I want to know if she has sex on her mind when she says " we'll have a great time" ? Whats the probability that my husband has had sex with her or got physical with her to an extent ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Ok. Originally I thought you just meant that he went out one night and met a girl and that was about it. Now that you have given me a helluva lot more information, the situation COMPLETELY changes. He is having a head on affair with this woman, no doubt. Don't fool yourself. No man hangs out with a girl and buys her gifts as a "friend." YES your husband is having an affair and he is walking all over you. The second he had the audacity to even mention another woman to his WIFE, much less tell you that he has bought gifts for her, you should have call blocked his number and told him to find another place to live. He has NO respect for you and you're allowing it.
You really need to open your eyes and accept the reality. Men LIE. Don't worry what he tells you. Just look at the facts. Of course he's going to tell you they're just friends cause he knows you'll beleive it. He's lying straight to your face. Why would you even question it? Your husband mentions another woman to you that he hangs with, why would you ask if something is going on? You don't ask, you TELL him right then and there that it is unacceptable.
Now I know this might seem like a harsh reality to face but you must break up with him immediately and tell him its over. Tell him that you are fed up with him and that he is no longer welcome in your house. Don't even give him an explanation. TRUST me. You have got to be strong and be a BITCH right now.
He is doing all this to you because he knows he CAN. Because he knows that he can walk all over you and treat you this way and you will still be waiting for him at home and believing all his crazy lies. Cause he knows that you "love" him so much that he can talk to you about the very woman he has an affair with and you'll just brush it off in denial that he would do that to you. That is why he is doing this and not only doing this but throwing it in your face.
It is impossible to love your husband if you don't love yourself. And a woman who loves herself would have told him to go take a hike a long time ago.
This man is not going to change his ways unless YOU change your ways. You need to show him that he is not all that and that you do not take sh*t. And the only way to show him that is to break up with him for good. You don't have to be nice about it either. I mean of course don't be psycho. But tell him to pack his stuff up and get out. Don't even let him talk to you.
That's going to hurt him so much and its going to do wonders to your ego. And if you do this, I guarantee you, give him time, I bet he will come crawling back...eventually. Don't expect him to come back right away. But eventually.
And in the meantime, you need to work on yourself and your self esteem. Its time for you to be on your own and find your self worth once again. Maybe start dating again. Hanging with other guys is good because they can take you out to dinner and make you feel special again. Get a makeover. Workout. Work on yourself. When your husband sees you and sees that you are doing just fine without him and that you are alot tougher than he gave you credit for and that you are looking beautiful he is going to regret it. And then the ball will be in your court. And it will be up to you if you want to deal with him anymore or not.
But you deserve WAY better. And this is a good opportunity for you to discover that. Life is too short to be in a sexless marriage with a guy who could care less. So I think its time for a change. And I do not think you will regret this. If anything he will...
A
female
reader, Pamela888 +, writes (7 June 2008):
Pamela888 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous,
thanks a ton for your mature response.
I want to give a bit of a background/update you and then ask you again.
I am in India, he is in the US and is coming back soon. By the way he has told me abt this "friend" that he has made BUT he has NOT told me that she was his waitress at Christie's Cabaret. Though he has told me that he went to the Christie' Cabaret to which i'am ok. This is his first visit to the US and I dont think therz any harm in going to the Cabaret so long as u dont end up having sex with someone or get physical. She is not a Hooker. She goes to school during the day and does the job of a waitress at Christie's- a gentleman's club. He has given her expensive gifts but he did not tell me that he has bought those for her. He told me that she is his friend and that he wants buy something for her to which i am ok. But he has not told me about two expensive gifts he has bought for me. For her profession he has lied to me again saying that she is working in a company and not told me that she is a waitress at Christies.
In one of his emails he wrote to that lady that she has bought him by her "affection and respect".
We both have been married for 8 years. Since last htree years there is hardly any sex b/w us (once after my son's birth). We have a two year old son. I want sex from him but he is not interested. he evades the topic and we end up just arguing and he says I can only think of sex, but it is soooooo imp. Now lately I have stopped asking him and live in the agony of he sleeping besides me w/o ever initiating sex.
Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz explain, in the past 8 yrs havent i given him enough affection. and what does he mean by respect? If he means agreeing to whatever he says and keep nodding my head and not argue or state my point of view then i havent been doing that coz i speak out to a situation/question and do disagree with him on certain things.
What does he mean by respect ?
Dear anonymous obviously there is a difference in the sweetness in talking when one is dating and sweetness after 8 yrs of wedding, i mean converstions become more mature. I need sex which i havent got from him. once in last 3 yrs. he is not int in sex either. god knows with me or generally. In this situtation, isnt there enough ground on which i can also wander around ? but i dont do thta coz i love him and want to have sex with him only. As far as respect is concerned, one dosent shout on the top of the mountain and say i want respect. It is not demanded but one has to command respect. just what he means by respect. Coz he has clearly stated in his mails that he has got "affection and respect" from her, which he has been "looking for years" now.
I can also shout on the top of my voice and say i have got no physcial attention and love and sex . . . isnt there enought ground for me to look around dear anonymous???
I have been going thru enormous pain, and agony ever since i discovered the conversations in emails.Although let me remind you that he has told me about her, her real name and that she has been taking him around but hideen other details.
I want to ask him y did he lie to me about that girl and i want to ask him the extent of his involvelemt, physically. Although he is coming back to India for good and will not go there again, i dont think that relationship will go forward physically, if at all there has been a beginning. But HOW DO I ASK HIM coz then I'll have to tell him how I cam to Know about him and that lady. and obivously as you suggested it is NOT a good idea to tell him that i saw his emails.
PLEASE HELP ME.
Regards
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Of course she had sex on her mind. Not sure what the cabaret is though, like is she a hooker? Either way it doesn't matter cause YES she had sex or something to that extent, on her mind. The only difference is that if she is a hooker he would have had to pay for it and if she wasn't then I guess it was free.
As for your husband, I don't know if he had sex with her. I guess if it got to the point where he gave out his email to a girl who he definitely knew what her intentions were (men are not stupid), then it is highly probably that he either has cheated or at least thought about it, both of which are unacceptable, obviously.
Now if you love this man, what you need to do is firstly, DON'T panic. And DON'T attack him. I'll explain why...Obviously there is something missing in this relationship that perhaps has been serious enough in his mind so that he has started to have a wandering eye. Maybe he feels you nag him alot, or the communication between you two is nonexistent, whatever...
Right now you are angry, perhaps, so you need to de-stress, go out with the girls, take a hot bath, put some music, think ALOT, calm down, and relax. When you feel relaxed then it would be a good time to talk to him about issues that you both may have that you feel might have contributed to his behavior. It might not be a good idea for you to bring up that you read his email. So avoid that conversation.
Be NICE. Don't ATTACK him. And tell him that you feel like you both have grown apart a little, and perhaps you both are distant towards each other and you would like to know what is on his mind...if there is anything he would like to confide in you about...If he doesn't want to talk, just let him be...At this point, you are going to have to give him SPACE (without getting jealous or spying or any of that) and while doing that being a friend to him if he needs you...And don't just tell him but show him...You are going to have be VERY strong and composed. Give him time. If he loves you he is not going to do anything stupid beyond that. But you have to let him be, trust him and back off, and time will tell...
One of two things could happen...he might bounce back to you...or he might grow further apart...but your ONLY hope for him to come back to you is to leave him alone and just be a friend and respect him...
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A
female
reader, :):):)  +, writes (7 June 2008):
If they've only recently met when he was with friends, then its unlikely he has done anything with her. I think if they had been intimate, she would have been a little more discreet with her letters.
If you're concerned, talk to your husband or suggest you all go out together so you can meet this women and see what her intentions may be.
Good luck
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Hi Pamela
I think this is just a bit of male bravardo. If he was out with his pals and they had a drink or two, i bet they were showing off. Some may of taken her number just to show off to the others, so there is no indication that anything happened so if i was you i would just forget it. Put it out of your mind and the next time that he goes out, just ask him what they get up to, but i bet it is little boy stuff, and nothing to worry about. My bloke is just the same, boys let out for the night, what next. Stop worrying.
take care
xx
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