A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What is the difference between settling and being logical?I'm 23 and single. It's strange but it seems like all of my friends are in serious relationships or have been. I haven't. I feel abnormal.I do have admirers but I think maybe I'm being TOO picky. It bugs me bc I don't want to be the type of girl waiting for mr. right. Yet, I think I kind of am. I don't want to settle but I think my approach isn't logical. How can you tell the difference between settling and being logical? Does it ever feel ''right"?There was one it felt perfectly for...but the timing wasn't right. He's 23 and he wasn't looking for serious relationship while that is all I want. He was more out for the fun and blocked off contact so he could go back to that lifestyle. Yet, it just felt perfect with him. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): I can tell you the difference between settling and being logical because I've done that. Settling = "I can't find anyone who I really, really love and want to grow old with. But this guy likes me. He's okay, I guess. I don't really like him that much... but, he's got a good job and a nice personality and he really likes me a lot, maybe even loves me. It's better than being alone, so I'll just go with him."Logical = "I'm only 23, and I'm really just coming in to being my own person. I'm sure if I have confidance in myself and stay open to the oportunity of love, even without actively chasing it, I'm going to meet a great guy that I really love! Maybe it won't happen tomorrow or even next year, but I bet it will happen! Until then I can grow and enjoy my life, which makes me more attractive to men, showing that I'm a strong and beautiful woman!" Do you see the difference? The outcome of settling is often feeling like "what if." What if there is a guy out there I really connect with. What if there is a guy out there who I will fall head over heals in love with. What if, what if, what if. It ends badly, trust me. Instead, just be open. Date. Meet new people. Don't get into anything serious until you feel it is right. You'd be surprised what strange places you meet someone. You will get that "relationship" experience just by dating and learnign what works for you and what doesn't.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 September 2011):
Since you're not talking about settling in the context of getting married (where there is the implicit assumption that you are signing your life away to this person and where there are no second chances) but "just" a relationship partner, my opinion is that if you acquire more experience with relationships, then you'll be in a better position to evaluate whether you're settling or not, or whether you should settle.
If you've never had a relationship, you don't really have any information or experience to know whether you're settling or not. It's like saying you've never eaten any kind of chocolate so you have no knowledge of what it tastes like, yet you're not going to eat any chocolate unless you find the perfect one, the first chocolate you eat has to be perfect. So if you come across some chocolate how do you know if it's going to be the perfect one and thus whether to try it, if you've never had any at all?
that's an over simplification of course. But the point is, only by being in a a couple of relationships, and not being afraid to end the relationship if you turn out to be dissatisfied in it, and experiencing what it's like to be with different people and have different issues come up and how you behave in relationships, then will you be able to better judge (in the future) whether a new partner (in the future) is worth 'settling' for or not.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2011):
Well, what a coincidence. I'm 23 and I have struggled with the same problem for years. I do think it's about pickiness and being afraid of taking risks. I'm a control freak in the way that I plan everything in my life. More often than not those plans don't work out the way I want them. But I feel safe because I always have a back-up plan. But sometimes you just need to let go, hold your breath and see where you end up. So I went with a guy who didn't fit into my plan and I was never happier.
The next time you meet someone you're totally at ease with but whose current mindset/lifestyle doesn't match your own perfectly, give them a shot and see where it leads. People are often scared away by the idea of a committed relationship looming in the distance. Hell, when a guy approaches me and makes it clear that's what he has in mind, I run faster than Usain Bolt. Commitment has to be earned, it cannot be planned, I've learned.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (13 September 2011):
It's not all about being logical. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and you need to just go with it. I think that you're suffering from what I call analysis paralysis, a state of mind that tends over rationalize and over analyze everything to a point where you'll never make a decision; does that sound logical? I suggest that you take the plunge and "settle" with someone for a while who you only like 90%. You never know....I think your obsessive (ir)rational mind is holding you back from allowing you to find that perfect mate.
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