A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This one is long, but my ultimate question after I have described the following relationship is, what's the chance of this actually succeeding and, if not, how longcan such relationships last? I have a 22 y/o guy friend who has been in a long-distance relationship for about 1.5 years. The girl he is seeing, he met when they were both 16 at some kind of career fair. At that time, they dated for about a year, but he apparently broke things off with her to go to college, which apparently left her in bad enough shape that she chose a college 1,000 miles away. They both were apart for about 3 years dated around and may have had a couple of 6-12 month relationships. About 1.5 years ago, they became reacquainted and have been seeing each other one weekend a month or so. They feel that they have experienced enough relationships to know that they were meant for each other. She just turned 22. But there are signs that bother me. He graduated a year ago and will be starting a graduate program. She is graduating from college this year and has decided that she would rather not lose him by pursuing further education at a really reputable institution so she has essentially accepted a graduate position at his same school and will also be moving in with him and likely sharing classes with him (or lunch, at the very least.) since I have known them, they have argued numerous times. She put up serious objections to his going on a long weekend back to his old college with a friend. He in the past tried to make her promise not to have more than one drink if she were to go out to bars with friends. He has complained in the past that she is immature and at times insensitive. He once admitted that his experience in prior relationships is limited, but the story changes often. They came "this close" (as he put it) to breaking up about one month prior to her graduation because of her perceived lack of empathy during a personal crisis of his. During that time he spent 3-4 hours on the phone with girl who also lives out of state but who he had considered dating at one time years earlier. (He has since not talked to her.) He has admitted that they are both possessive. When I bring up the issue of him never really having been around her often enough to risk living together so soon after she returns, he states that they spent "12 days at her dorm once" and that they didn't run into conflict. She has actually admitted to me(but not to him) via ims that her parents "do not love the relationship." I have never even met her in person! I warned him of this and he stated that after talking with her, she said that her father didn't care and her mother simply didn't believe they should be "a devoted couple" at that age, but she has nothing against him. He seems to be ok with that, since her parents "don't seem to approve of anythingshe does anyway." meanwhile, he has been going through a rough time because his father has been cheating on his mother and they may likely separate. I don't know, but this relationship just seems precarious, but maybe I am overreacting. Scroll up to paragraph one and reread my question! Since he does complain to me about his relationship every so often, I'm not sure what advice to give him unless I know whether this relationship is in bad enough shape that it should be allowed to "run its course." I don't like giving advice at all, in fact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your help. You know, what is terribly interesting to me about relationships is that they can go on like this for years, even through special occasions such as graduations, birthdays, etc....then all of a sudden two weeks later, completely end. It's so strange. I have had many friends who have been through 6 or even 7 year relationships, and they have ended. I believe it has to do with the fact that most started them as teenagers. Anyway, the main issue here is indeed lack of trust and possessiveness. You hit it on the nail. I wonder what will happen when, after so many years of having a long-distance relationship, they find themselves not only living together but possibly even commuting together and sharing the same classes together and eating lunch together!
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (7 May 2007):
 I can understand you being concerned for your friend but if I'm being totally honest I don't think this relationship will go anywhere. Both of them are too possessive and there's not enough give and take on either side, there's also a lack of trust there also. He doesn't like her to drink too much when she's out with friends (only HE knows the reasons to that one, but we can guess) and she doesn't want HIM going back to see his old college friends. Does that sound like two people who love and trust one another? They both just want to control one another.
The best thing you can do is tell him what YOU honestly think then stand well back and watch the fireworks. This is NOT the ideal relationship and it will only end in tears for one or both parties.
Eve
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (7 May 2007):
 Hello mate. This question seems not have been answered in a w hile so I thought I would write in. The situation you are in is unpleasant. But you did hit the bullseye at the end. Yuo should aim to distance yourself from the technicalities of your freinds relationship. Whether things do or don't work out between them - is not you concern. You are his friend, back him up when needs it. Have a laugh with him just because. Cheer him up when he's down. Only offer your opinion or advice if you asked for it (otherwise you will appear to be a tampering prat). This is his relationship and he needs to go through it - one way or another. I think the bigger question is why do you worry so much? Are you afraid he's going to get hurt? From you post you sound like you are a participant in the relationship!? Just let it run its course as you say. Even if things do go wrong, then take comfort in the fact the he has a friend in you to console him.
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