A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriends previous partnersOkay, I really need the help of the DearCupid Online community with this issue I'm having with my girlfriend of a year. I'm a 24 year old male, in a serious relationship with a 20 year old girl. We've been together for a year now and her past sexual experience is really bothering me. When we first met she was dating someone else and we were just kind of friends. I knew she liked me a lot but I wasn't sure that I liked her as much. So we were friends for a few months before we hooked up. While we were friends she told me that she had been with 10 people before me. I told her that i was with 3, but the truth was, that i was a virgin. I just felt embarrased saying 0 against her 10! I've had semi-sexual experiences with other girls, just a few things. I've kissed other girls, petting, and some masturbation ( not on me, on her), but mostly when i was in my teens. I've also never been in a really serious emotional relationship. When she told me how many people she'd been with it really didn't bother me, it was just something she'd done before she met me. Plus we were just friends at the time, so it truly didn't get to me that much. So when we decided to hook up it still really didnt bother me. Now a year later, just knowing and grilling her about it a few times, its really starting to get under my skin. I feel like I don't want to eat, and it's hard to think about anything else. She's also told me that she can't remember all of the names of these guys unless I gave her a pen and paper to write them all down. She explained that the first time she was raped. Which effected her a lot. 3 of the 10 were boyfriends and the other 6 just guys she dated or hooked up with. She said the closest time between partners was " a couple weeks" but she'd never been with more than one person at the same time, or in the same day/week.She also likes to model, and she told me one of the guys she slept with was a previous photographer ( one she doesnt work with anymore) who was over 10 years older than her. So you can see my frustraton when she goes on risqu'e photoshoots with other photographers. I really do trust her now and believe she has changed, and she's the sweetest girl i've ever met. I really do love her, and see this as the only major problem with our relationship.She's got a big heart and a wonderful soul and I could never see her cheating on me. I'm just really bent out of shape over this thing, and am really trying to look past it. I'm just having a hard time doing so. I really need some good advice. Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, sherby22  +, writes (25 October 2010):
I was seeking also an advice to my situation ,then find yours... I got related in your situationit really hurts me a lot, specially when he told me. that she has been doing oral sex, without relations. sex with her past BFs...I just find my answer that always bothered me... I accepted it... and the fact who she is now has something with her past, she could even cheat us in the numbers but, I realize how honest they are, when they open this things to us...
A
male
reader, badger86  +, writes (9 April 2010):
mate i really feel for you, im in the same boat. im 24 and only lost my v to my g/f when i was 23, i had plenty of chances to do it when i was a teen but i had a massive hangup about one of my balls when i was a teenager and since then rejected every girl that came on to me, sad huh? but got to 23 and realised i needed to stop this coz it was screwing me up mentally, and now im with the perfect girl who loves me, but the more i fall in love with her the more i get really frustrated with her past, i know shes had boyfriends, and cheated on 1 of them, i know shes saucy in bed (but i proper suck in bed mainly coz i cant stop thinkin about her with other guys and struggle to get it up coz im so petrified of sez due to what i did to myself mentally as a kid, but she says when its up its good and she doesnt care anyway), so yea i kno shes saucy with me, but i suck so i cant stop thinin about how saucy she was with her other guys who could get it up whenever, she understands most of this, and i know theres nowt i can do about the past but i just feel that i haven't matured as well as i could mentally due to not having as many relationships/partners as her, and as a result im super jealous all the time, but stil she wants to see her ex occassionally to be friends and wants to take up pole-dancing!!!! 1st she said just for personal fun/fitness but maybe performing, i told her i wouldnt be able to deal with it so now shes said no to performing (but i feel like a dicked for changing her mind), but yea i dont think she quite gets why im so jealous and cant get her past out of my head (ive never asked her the number coz im scared of what she'll tell me).
anyway,
so yea your in a similar situation to me, due to sexual inexperience compared to our partners we cant stop thinking about their past and are seriously jealous about it, even though we love them. i would love some1 to tell me what to do, coz all i can think of is by having more sexual partners we will realise that sex is seperate to relationships and that it is the relationships that counts, but when your with the girl that has your V plates and you love her to pieces its not hard to accept that possibly the only way to progress is to move on :( i aint breaking up with her but i got a feelin its only a matter of timebefore she stops putting up with my jealousy, i cant be without her though, it sucks.
yea so, glad to be of assistance :) lol, sorry mate. good luck, to us both yea.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): What you are experiencing now is actually normally. However, try to reduce your worries for the past and focus on the present and future. Good luck! Chris
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I'm going through the very same thing. I'm 19 and I've been with my girl (also 19) for just over a year and I was a virgin when I met her and she had slept with a few guys before me including a one night stand and a very emotionally destructive 4 year relationship that started when she was only 14. I know that she was used for sex and emotionally abused by her last boyfriend and I know that they had a lot more sex then we do. Of course I know that it is because I don't pressure her into it. It's not an insecurity thing and I trust her more then I could ever trust anyone else because she is so innocent at heart that she can't even lie. I love this girl and have practically lived with her at my appartment for the past 8 months. I'm so over protective of her that I don't even like her wearing short shorts to class so you can imagine how hard it is for me to deal with thinking about her being pressured into sex hundreds of times since the age of 14. I know I shouldn't think of her as mine and I shouldn't be so possesive of her but she is the same way with me and she gets upset thinking about the girls that I have kissed before. I know I need to work on being less possesive but I figure your probably feeling the same thing. It seems like you really care about your girl and you shouldn't let her past get between you. I don't think we'll ever get over this feeling but I don't think that we can let that get in our way. My girl gave me the chance to put our relationship on hold to be with some other girls and to be honest it tempted me but I can't imagine even looking at another girl. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know this is all on me and I need to deal with this and I know that it is worth it to be with this girl. Even if you never get over this feeling that you get when you think about her past isn't it still worth it to be with her. The only reason it hurts so much is because you care about her so much. remember that!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): The bitter core of everything lies in endless void of ill-perceived looks on love... people learn to own people and marriage is a device invented to provide food and comfort to false sense of security and stability.Irony is that the truth lies inside of lie. You're taught that when you love someone and someone loves you, its mutual loving and its the same love, the love of both of you... but it isn't. Your love is your love only, and so it can be tainted or healing only by yourself.Behind curtain of anger and sadness lies jealousy, and getting there is just finding the true consequence, because jealousy is just that. The cause lies somewhere else, but still inside you... inside your memories, habits, thinking/feeling/speaking patterns...So, if you had provoked jealousy to poison your hearth, its because some of your established habits found itself in a new situation. Which means, one or more of your living habits are wrong.So, in order to heal, find out which pattern of doing/thinking/feeling produces jealousy in you and morph it to something more acceptable or destroy it altogether.Of course, you could heal the other, more undesirable way: remove the cause that brought your habit to unstable state, in this case, your hard romantic relationship.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): well nowing how she hase been thru some stuff in the past you need to tack that in to consideration because she might of done thos things like sleep with the guy to mack her self feel better and 9 time's out of 10 thats true.just talk to her in a calm attertude and be honest to your self and her she whant like if you get all angery about it so bee cool and just tell her howe you do fiend it hared to eat and you cant stop thinking about it.
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female
reader, love313 +, writes (23 July 2007):
well....
i did love you
and i understand that things weren't meant to be.
And what happened will affect me for the rest of my life.
I would have given anything to have you with me to deal with things, but thats just not something you can do at this point in your life.
I loved you more than anything..and I always will love you.
It's time for me to move on...as you already have.
You always had my heart...from the beginning, before I had yours.
best of luck
Me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Here's an update to my story.Since I Posted this I decided to break it off with my girlfriend. It wasn't just her past, there were other problems with our relationship that we just couldn't work out. What happend:We spent the weekend in Atlantic City last week and had a nice time. I could see something was up, it was explicated all over her face. So that saturday night, the night before we went back home, We had a long converstaion which turned into an argument. I decided to break up with her then and to just "be friends". When we got home, we had another fight, she stormed out and I thought that was it. She came back about five minutes later and asked me "Why i thought she was cheating on me?"I said simply, "Because when I asked, you hesitated before saying No, and looked away". She then told me that a month before she cheated on me with a guy she didn't even know. She ripped my heart out of my chest.She told me she was mad at me, and that i was ignoring her because i had to much work to do that day.She told me they used protection, which she later told me again that, that was a lie-He didn't!!. Days after that, she told me that she didn't cheat on me, and that she was raped. That He didn't force her but she says she told him to stop and no, but she let him do it, and ended up helping him out after the sex to get him to release. She kept this from me for over a month, changing the story more times than i can remember and has drug me through the mud everyday with new details. This thursday I have to get tested for STD's because yes, I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend of a year because I thought there was trust in our relationship. I'll probably never fully heal from this, but I have gotten over some aspects of the break up. Thanks to everyone who posted and offered support for my situation. I can only hope others have a brighter outcome. Remember, Ride the wave-Just watch out for the sharks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): I understand exactly how you feel because I was in a similar situation. My girlfriend has been with several guys and has sex with 3; I've done partial penetration once but that was the farthest I've gotten with another girl.
One guy actually raped her while she was sleeping and another forced her to do some other stuff so then she could get out of his car (she didn't even act like they were rape but I'm pretty sure being forced to do something sexually or doing something to someone while they're passed out is rape). I cried when she told me this because I couldn't see how a guy could do that to a girl. I tried getting a name out but that was no good because she probably thought I would go injure him. Though the thought crossed my mind, I didn't want to get myself in trouble.
Anyways, her best friend and her talked one night about some previous stuff at dinner and I was right there and felt pretty nausiated by the whole thing. You don't talk about swallowing stuff other than food at a dinner table!
I'm falling madly in love with this girl and I know she said that she has changed and I believe her, but it still crosses my mind from time to time. She said that I'm different than those other guys and that's why she likes me and I hope to keep it that way. Just remember people change, so don't let her history make your relationship fall apart. Try to be her last boyfriend ever :) That's one the best thing you could possibly do for her.
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2007): I totaly understand wot ur going through...it can be hell visualizing these images of past relationships in ur head...u somehow think that she doesnt love you in reality more then her ex's, and ur not more important to her then the previous ones! The truth is, tho, u in ur case, yes she may have had past relationships with guys, but she was an entirely different girl then - people change over time, and unless anything hasppened in the year or two beforehand, u REALLY have NOTHING to b worried bout or jelous of...she wouldnt have nothing to do with them and have someone new in her life (who she loves, in you), if they still meant anything AT ALL to her! They are something she felt she needed at the time, for wotever reason...and u have to believe that those past experiences had to happen but they are over with entirely - she loves and adores YOU now, otherwise she wouldnt b with u NOW...its ONLY bout the NOWWWWWW, who she would do anything for NOW! her past is irrelevent and is done with a long time ago!!! She loves YOU!!! remember that!!!
BEST of luck with working it ut in ur mind!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I've been in a similar situation. My first (and only) girlfriend told me about her experiences. I overreacted, said some really unfair things and really upset her.
My advice is to think about what's really important. I know at the time it's a massive problem... you get mental images of her with other people... feel insecure about your own experiences... feel like it makes the experience less meaningful to her. But if you can think about it rationally, it's really not important.
I realised it wasn't important when I realised that a stupid irrational insecurity of mine had cause her so much hurt. I did everything I could to make it up to her and show her that I no longer felt that way about it, and that I was sorry about thinking that way in the first place. She broke up with me a couple of months later because she couldn't forgive me for it.
You'll get over her past experiences if you focus on what's really important. I hope you don't have to figure it out the way I did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): I was the same way but with my bf, he was the bad boy when we fell inlove and ofourse everybody knows that the "bad boy" can get any girl he wants and usually does. He told me about his past relationships and all the things hes done, and let me tell you it made me upset.... at first, but then i learned that i had no reason to be upset becuase that was the past, and those girls (or in your case guys), are gone now. We cant go back and change things that already happened all we can do is accept people for who they are regardless of the things theyve done, thats an importaant part of being in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has replied so far. Update:I spoke to another male friend of mine that has been in a similar situation. He explained that he also was a virgin when he met his last girlfriend ( no longer with her) and she wasn't. She in fact was with over 15 people before him. I think having a common experience with a friend is helping me cope with it, i don't want to look at my girlfriend like a possession, i don't want to judge her or think about things she's done with other guys. I have asked her names, and honestly saw a few of these guys in her friends list on myspace. It hurts looking at their profiles, I've even found myself close to crying a few times. As an artist I've always tried to be open minded, and very accepting to things but I think because i love her so much now more than before, It's just getting to me in a way thats hard to blow off over night. She's told me that if i need more sexual experiences to "just do it" and not tell her about it. But I'm not that kind of guy, she has my heart and i wouldn't want to do something like that to her, and i couldn't see myself doing that with another girl anyway.i ahve to much respect for women. After reading some other posts I can see how I'm doing the typical thing-jealousy, curiosity,anger, and paranoia I find myself wondering if she's telling me "You're the best ever" and " It wasn't good with them, its different with you" might just be because she wants me to feel that way. She says she didn't know what she was doing, she was young and scared and looking for something that she couldn't find. I know how guys are, and i know some will do and say anything to get in a girls pants. But knowing that I'm not like that makes it so hard to think that other guys did those things to MY Girlfriend. At this point, i don't think knowing has made things better. And she has told me about a few of the situations, only because i really pulled it out of her. I'm sort of regretting that now. Please keep the comments and advice coming, I would love more female perspectives on this issue, maybe some with similar issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): Check out these links, on this website. A lot of good information, some of it not so good. You will have to weed through it. But it will give you a new perspective...and you may find your answer there.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/girlfriend-has-had-32-partners.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-stop-obsessing-over-my-girlfriends.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-wants-to-know-about-previous-bfs-but.html
Goodluck
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (1 May 2007):
 You insecurites are probably due to your inexperience compared to hers, but that is'nt a bad thing.
What you need to do is focus ONLY on what you have in front of you and put all your effort into making it work. Thinking about her past relationships is only going to get you paranoid and jealous. So what if she has had past relationships, most people have a history of some description. You have done things you may have not been proud of and the same probably goes for her.
Just look at her and think this is what I want, what am I prepared to do to make this work? Thoughts running around your head can be stopped by focussing on something positive and fresh, like her and your growing friendship.
Goodluck..
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