A
male
age
30-35,
*nickx
writes:Quick question...Going to ask my hopefully soon to be girlfriends parents for permission to date her.Her mom likes me a lot, and so even though she's not *technically* allowed to date until shes 16 in a few months, considering the circumstances where i'll be in college in a few months, she should go for it.I haven't talked to her dad that much, he's always working/hunting or something. So what do you think is the best way to go about it?Just spring it on him one day when i go over, catch him off guard (well it wouldnt really be off guard, he already thinks we're more than friends, mainly because we're really not that shy about showing we like each other in public), and then sell myself with points that i have had time to prepare OR ask him if i could come over, specifically to talk to him about that, give him time to load his gun etc ;), and then respond to points that he has prepared.Writing this i can already see that giving him time to prepare is a lot better than putting him on the defensive, i guess im just afraid if i ask permission to ask permission, he'll shoot me down before i have a chance to sell myself to him.Oh well... not that you can tell me what's going to happen, but input would be appreciated :D thanks,nick.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Dads NEVER like boys that date their daughters...
glad it is working out.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Hi Nick,
I'm glad to hear that things are going well. A successful Long Distance Relationship is a good indicator of a long term stability for the relationship. You still have a long way to go, be Safe.
FA
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (5 March 2012):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well you told me to write back after finals, its spring break now. I'm 2 months away from finals of my second semester. I'm happy to say our personal relationship is going great. Best 9mos of a relationship I've ever had.
Thanks for all the help
Nick
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 August 2011):
Case Closed? You are just weeks away from the challenging part. Write back after homecoming, or better yet after your finals.
Call me skeptical.
FA
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 August 2011):
 No relationship is perfect..EVER. But you can be happy and supportive of each other while being understanding that in many ways she IS still a "kid" in her Dad's eyes.
Keep showing her parents that you are a man of honor.
By the way, it is not paranoia if Dad is being overprotective based on family history. Respect him for that. He is still raising her the best way he knows how.
As I said before,IF it is meant to be and your love continues to grow, her Dad will look back on the time you earned his respect and showed that you were a young man of your WORD and action.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (15 August 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanna update cuz you guys were so good to me.
We're 3 days away from starting our 3rd month of this crazy relationship. Things are far from perfect, theres always complications. But we're hanging in there, and i did the last thing i wanted to do with her due to the circumstances. Slowly but surely i've fallen in love with her :D we're both rediculously happy, and well we're both aware that this could change anytime and the train wreck is still waiting especially after i leave for college, but none of that matters right now :)
We're still not allowed to date (i found out why, her dad had a cousin that got pregnant at 15 and is ridiculously paranoid about it happening to his daughter) but her mother is very accepting of us spending time together. She always finds ways to invite me over the house, just to help her daughter with her chores or something. Like i said, it's not perfect, but its the little things. Her dad doesn't like me, but he likes me more than he hates other guys so, i call that a win too :D
Thanks for everything, i realllyyyy appreciate it. i'd call this case closed ;)
nick.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (8 July 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question-SVC:"bide your time... continue to be her friend as best as you can.. ask her parents if you can spend time with her IN THEIR COMPANY.... so they can get to know you and see you with their daughter."We will do that :) lmao, like i said, i think i came across wrong. I wouldnt dare be asking for permission to get alone time yet. that just sets off ALL the wrong signals in an already worrying parent.-FA:Youre absolutely right. I graduated with 78 other kids. Very small. I've heard this both ways. I have a very good friend who is almost 2 years older than me who is dating one of my friends i graduated with, i honestly think she is the reason we are still good friends, because he's always around.At the same time another friend who is the same age as my good friend cautioned me about that and told me not to become like my good friend, and to break away. I do know i have a problem with that, i am OVERLY loyal to people. But what you are saying makes sense to me, so i really will try to avoid coming back as much as possible.Thanks FA, i REALLY do appreciate all the help.And Red:I agree. If it's meant to be, then it will happen. Im not stressing too much about that. It's just i want to try to give it the best shot to happen, whether it's now or later.Anyways, thank you guys so much for all your help :) It never ceases to amaze me how well you guys deliver time in and time out.Thanks,nick.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
Is is the parents decision. If it is meant to be then it WILL happen, but NOW is probably not the time.
These are years for both of you to tackle your educations and become well-rounded people. There is still growing for both of you to do, and if you are meant to be a couple, that enrichment time will only make things better in the end.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
Hi again Nick,
As a parent who is sending two kids to University this year I have some personal non relationship advice for you. It sounds like you went to a small high school like I did. You got along great with your teachers and they enjoyed having you around. My advice is: don't try to stay in High School. Make a clean break. At least for a year or two, after that if you have experience in college theater and you think it will further your education then go back. Get fully invested in your college / university. Don't go home for the first 6 weeks. One of my Daughters has committed to not come home until Christmas. Studies show that successful students do this.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2011):
I agree that you should follow the parents rules.
I also would not be thrilled with 18 wanting to date 15
bide your time... continue to be her friend as best as you can.. ask her parents if you can spend time with her IN THEIR COMPANY.... so they can get to know you and see you with their daughter.
know that while she is dear to you, she is the MOST PRECIOUS thing to them...
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (7 July 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionred-
Also i just read the q&a you answered about the 16yr old with the 21yr old.
See in my mind, that IS innappropriate. And different. I mean, i went to school with this girl. Saw her everday. We were in various clubs and the musical together. Its not like i just saw a young girl walking down the street and picked her up. We grew on each other, which is why i said, in my flawed logic, that we are 'together'. because it just happened..
I think i may have come across completely wrong after reading that q&a. I wasn't even planning on a single date, just the two of us until after her 16 birthday.
Just, i may get to see her once until she turns 16. And i want to clear up the misconception that i'm dating her behind her fathers back. Because i WANT them to trust me, and i WANT to do things according to her parents rules. id like to see her a few more times before i show up on her doorstep lol, even if its just hanging out with her family.
I really want to be a part of the family, one of those kinda things. Theyre a good family, and honestly, i treat her younger brothers and sister like they were my own siblings.
Maybe im trying too hard to make a good impression.. maybe it just seems like this is all put on. idk. but it's not.
I just really want help explaining this whole situation to her father, when i dont even know if ill be able to get an audiance with him.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (7 July 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRed-I fully understand it is the parents final say, and i respect that. In a way, i respect it further because i realize what they are trying to do and that they are trying to protect their daughter. Its all fine by me. I/We will wait till when we have to. Like i said, its just being each others presence that makes us happy :)Last night was mostly late, i was slightly irritated, and i didnt have anyone to talk to, so i figured ill try it here and see what i get. I wasnt neccissarily trying to brag or sell myself to you guys. So again, i apologize.Also, i dont expect the laws to be on 'my side', i will just follow them. sex is a non-issue for me. i plan on waiting for marriage.And also i agree that i have been seeing her and not dating her. We struggled for the the longest time of what to lable us, so i finally decided it was just i like her, she likes me, and we have promised exclusitivity (sp?) until we are able to date. And if something changes between now and then, it changes.This topic got a little away from what i intended so thank you for bringing this back to the question at hand. As then, the mother of this 15.5 year old, would you rather me let my intentions known NOW so i dont seem like some creep? or would you rather me hang around, have her father think we're dating behind his back and ask on her 16th birthday.Actually, i know youre going to tell me that you'd rather have me disappear until she turns 16, and then come back... i just feel that that would put us at a serious disadvantage. Either way, i have to explain something, i just dont know the proper way/time to do it and that is REALLY what i could use your help with.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
A Mothers response-I have teenagers, so I will tell you what I would do in this situation.
If a lovely 18 year old boy (you have a lot of great qualities) asked ME to date my 15, soon to be 16 yo daughter. I would say no.
Even if there is a glow, you like each other, others think you are cute together, etc.
It does not matter what OTHER adults think about what is appropriate for MY daughter. If I feel it is wrong, it is my choice and my legal right to set limits.
I believe it is innapropriate for an 18 yo to be dating a young girl.
It does not matter if your a virgin by choice. Do you intend to wait until marriage? She is 15 1/2 and at this time it is innappropriate for someone your age to be in a relationship with her.
The law is not going to be on your side because you say "We are not going to have sex for a really, really long time".
You have been seeing her, but you have not been "dating" her. I disagree with yoru logic that you have already been "together" and started something. You are attracted to each other. That does not guarantee you anything.
Her parents DO get the ultimate say, and if you have good intentions proove it by respecting their rules and limits.
If you really care about her, then wait until her parents give you the green light without complaint. Then you will truly have earned their respect.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (7 July 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks FA.. I appreciate the time you took to write that. "are you going to be the same great kid in a year?"It's a well known fact that college changes people, but i have no intentions of changing. I'm this way because i chose to be, not because i was told to be."Do you intend to maintain a long distance relationship from college?"Yes. My two 'major' relationships have been LD, where i got to see the girl sometimes less than once a week. Not a problem for me."Is that going to be good for you?"Actually i think yes. It will keep me grounded and give me further persuation to remain 'a good kid'."Will you be in college with one foot and High school with the other?"I was almost planning on it regardless of having a girlfriend or not. I have been the lead in our schools musicals for a while, as well as head of stage crew. They asked me if i could possibly come back to help with building, which would actually ironically be the month she turns 16 and id be able to start coming back to see her. "How will that affect the chances of you successfully completing your degree."I've juggled academics and extracurriculars all my life. In college, the ONLY things i'll continue pursuing are academics, theatre and skiing. I know college is different than high school, but i don't see any reason it would be impossible."If you do go with the Long Distance relationship, how will that affect her?"Well, now that's really hard for me to say. But she is atleast more mature than the rest of her peers, if she wasnt, i wouldnt be here right now. I think this is more of a time will tell sort of thing."Will she be spending hours each day chatting online instead of doing her home work?"No. Her parents would never allow it lol. And she is a straight A student. Actually, i think she was near straight 100's, so i guess if her grades slip there could be a problem, but i dont forsee her having any problems."Are you OK with her going to Homecoming and Prom with someone else?"Our school lets you come back for prom/homecoming until you are over 21 (or maybe its until youre 21) either way, My birthday falls after prom, so i will still be 20 for her senior prom, and allowed to go with her.Or do you expect her to give up that part of her life for a guy who is hundreds of miles away?and i will be 93 miles away :) All highway, about a 2 hour drive. So i can be home if i need to be. I'll have a car, so i'll be able to come back most weekends. Funny that I pick a college 2 hours away because I didn’t want to come back home every weekend. Odd how that works, isn’t it?I don't 'expect' anything from her, or anyone. If she is willing to do it, she will do it. If not, i will not force her and we will move on."The odds are good that some time in the next 6 months you two are going to break up. You are thinking why not enjoy the time we have. He is thinking why make more connections that will soon be broken."And my answer to that? The odds are GREAT that we are going to break up. If it's not in the next 6 months, its in the future. You have how many relationships in your life, and if you're lucky you'll get one that lasts.But even knowing that it probably wont last forever, you dont go into the next day of a relationship saying that it wont. As much as you dont go into the next day saying it will last forever.You take it one day at a time, and if you build it into something that does last than be proud of it. If you dont, well then you gave it your best shot. And i KNOW im probably beating this to death, and im really hanging on this, but i have always believed in putting forth your best effort for everything, and that you just take everything one day at a time, enjoying each day.After all, we’re all going to die someday right? Why do anything at all then? Why not just wait till we’re 6 feet under to do anything. It’s all the same premise to me ;) You said it yourself, we are emotionally together. I feel it would be extremely wrong of me to *abandon* her now, why not just let it play out?Really, this has strengthened my belief that we will be semi okay. Im going to try to give it the best shot, because we're either going to be hurt now or later, i'd like to put that off for as long as possible.Thanks FA, like i said, i really do appreciate it :)nick.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
Nick,I'll admit that my first answer was pretty flip. With what you've written, I think you deserve a real answer. The trouble is my experience leads me to think along the same lines as her father. You are going to have to prove to him that you can overcome the objections that I have. You may be a great kid now, but you are about to embark on a very life changing event, are you going to be the same great kid in a year? You want to date her for a few months, and then leave. Do you intend to maintain a long distance relationship from college? Is that going to be good for you? Will you be in college with one foot and High school with the other? How will that affect the chances of you successfully completing your degree. If you do go with the Long Distance relationship, how will that affect her? Will she be spending hours each day chatting online instead of doing her home work? What about other things she will miss? Are you OK with her going to Homecoming and Prom with someone else? You won't be allowed in the door. Or do you expect her to give up that part of her life for a guy who is hundreds of miles away?Whether you are "technically" dating or not you two are already emotionally in a relationship. Her Dad is just waiting for the train wreck. The odds are good that some time in the next 6 months you two are going to break up. You are thinking why not enjoy the time we have. He is thinking why make more connections that will soon be broken. So while you are thinking about how to present your case, think about that tooFA
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (7 July 2011):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've read into the laws, so yeah, we are being very careful for the time being. But honestly, we were really *together* before i turned 18. I just turned 18 a month and a half ago, and she turns 16 in just a few months. So its not that big of a gap. And less than 4 years, which is where the change in the laws occurs.
the law states that it can be ruled as corruption of minors or unlawful contact with our age difference if there is sexual intercourse or non-consensual deviate sexual intercourse. Regardless of, there won't even be consentual deviate intercourse for a longggg time.
For us its mostly that we are just so rediculously happy together.. And we are both smart/good kids ;)
(forgive this part of the response, i just got a text saying i wont be allowed over the day i was gonna ask her parents and i feel like venting)
[begin rant]
Honestly, the biggest problem is her parents. I have an overprotective dad, so i understand the whole overprotective part. And she is adopted which im sure adds to the overprotectiveness.
But the whole world outside of her parents tells us we should date. I mean, people told us we should date just because we 'glow' when we're together. haha. i know it sounds silly, but we're happy.
I've been helping her with stuff for her church (and im not even the same religion, shes presbyterian and im catholic) for probably 2 months. its really the only time we get to spend together, and so we never have any alone time. All the old ladies at her church tell us we should date.
And now just now i get a text saying i wont be able to come over the day i was planning on letting my intentions be made... because her father thinks we are dating. I'll work around that, ill talk to her mom, clear the thing up.
at the very least i'd like to get a chance to say, alright, if you dont want us to date till she's 16, we wont date till she's 16. But the morning of her birthday, ill be on your porch ready to ask again...
And that we're not dating right now lol.
Plus since i am over 18 i want it to be known that i intend to date her and that i am not some creep/pedo hanging around...
One last rant before i stop venting... (and again, i apologize, just this is really bothering me)
It's also kinda frusturating for me because im the kinda kid parents want their kids to date. I graduated either 7th or 8th in my class (idk); a semi decent athelete (football/track/skiing); i have only had alcohol on 2 occations, one my drink was spiked, 2 was less than a sip when my buddy offered it to me; i'm a virgin, and not by chance but by choice; i dont swear in front of her; i would answer any question 100% truthfully honest; and my 2 longest relationships? i still talk to my ex's moms on birthdays and mother's days and catch up.
Not to mention, i want to do everything 100% per her parents rules.
We didnt *try* to date. We just naturally grew together over time. its not like the *dating* part matters that much to us. we just want to be allowed to be together and be happy... lmao, is that so wrong that her parents have any grounds to say no??
[end rant lol]
i dont mind the uphill battle. we knew it was gonna be from the start...
Just we're extremely happy now... if im not allowed to see her for 6 months, who knows what could happen. Plus i will be going to college, and she is very attractive and does have guys all over her back home. Not that i dont trust her or myself, just i know how easy people grow apart.
I wanna give this a fighting chance while we've got one. Do you really think her parents would kill what little chance we've got??
ugh lol. i really do apologize. i just need to get this off my chest. if you made it this far, feel free to answer whatever you want. Im just feeling a little defeated right now tbh :/ when i wake up in the morning and look at this with fresh eyes ill probably be able to come up with another solution. Im used to solving things on my own, and im sure i will if you dont help, but any help or a different perspective would be much appreciated. Even if you dont, i'll probably repose this response as a new question just to see what i get.
thanks a TON,
nick.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
Correction F.A., she is FIFTEEN right now.
Nick, I think it is VERY smart to ask her Father for permssion. Since you are 18+ and she is a minor.
STILL, check the laws of your state, because as a minor you could be breaking a law called Statutory Rape.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
Let's see, you're over 18, she's under 16, Dad likes to hunt. Based on that I'd wear something bullet proof.
FA
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