A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do i do guys? This is the second time he has been accused of cheating and IDK what to do. He says he doesn't like this game his ex is playing by her stating this rumor that he is dating her with me. If he doesn't like this game or isn't cheating like he says he isn't why does he still talk to her? Why does he still call her and text her? She cheated on him and he left her and he said he was done but she texts him stuff like "babe what happened" and all that. I read that conversation. IDK what to do or think. His sister, who is my best friend says he won't cheat on me cause he has had it done to him too many times. IS he cheating or is this just his ex and her friend being bitches, pardon my french, and trying to break us up? or should i call this chick like her friend said i should and let her three way him to prove or disprove the thing? Please help me protect my heart and figure what is going on.
View related questions:
best friend, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 July 2011):
Hi. You're very welcome.
If you have anything you ever want to ask me about this in future - or anything else, please don't hesitate and I'll help you in whatever way I can.
To make sure I see it, perhaps you could send it to my private mailbox.
Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Dorthy. You have helped me immensely and it makes a lot of sense. Things are much clearer and have been better. They have stopped bugging us and he is happier now that they are leaving us be. You thoughts and advice have really helped me. Thank you so very much
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 July 2011):
Hi. Yes, it does sound like insecurity.
So he does have plans - if all goes well - and of course none, if it doesn't. That's okay.
He probably also has some trust issues, especially as some of these relationships fail.
He might have very high expectations that they will all lead to marriage in future, then becomes very disappointed and disillusioned when they don't work out as he'd hoped.
It's possible that he thinks too far ahead into the future, instead of enjoying each day of a relationship - one day at a time.
It might be better if he just lives in the present moment.
But without any expectations.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat makes sense too, he is insecure to some extent due to things that have happened to him. He got on real well with some of his exs and then they cheated on him or did something very wrong to him and ended up losing the relationship. He isn't telling them he is going to marry them with no intention of doing so. It is that he gets into a good relationship and he thinks he will marry them so he tells them this believing he will and then plans fail and they seperate and of course because of that he doesn't marry them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 July 2011):
Hello again. I just had an idea.
I am wondering if he is covering all his bases and keeping in contact with his exes, just in case it doesn't work out with the present girlfriend.
You know, like a back-up - in case anything goes wrong.
Some guys do that. It's a very negative way to live, because it's almost like each new girl he meets, no matter how well they seem to get on, at the back of his mind he is wondering if it is going to work out. Or maybe it's more that he expects that it won't. That would probably explain it better.
I think this is what he's doing. Especially as you have said he talks about marriage to each of his exes. You have to admit, it does kind of make sense.
Perhaps he talks about marriage with each girlfriend or ex, so that they keep going out with him.
And if that's the case, he seems very insecure.
To tell anyone you want to marry them, when you have no intention of doing so, is completely wrong. It's building up hope falsely.
I'd be very wary about him if I were you.
He seems like he just likes playing games, living in a fairytale world.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have also talked to him about why he keeps calling and texting her and talking to her on skype. She calls and texts him as well. He says he doesn't know why he still talks to her, she is the only ex of his that cheated on him or lied to his face that he still talks to, and he doesn't know why. What should i do? I don't understand why he talks to her. Does she entertain him or something? I'm confused. IF there are any males reading this one could you probably shed some light on this part for me please? 'Cause this makes absolutely no sense. Why talk to an ex you never met in person that cheated on you twice?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dorothy. Yes that makes a lot of sense to me. And now that i think about it i can see how it was never a real relationship since they never really met in person just over web cam and phone calls and texts. She said that he tells all his girlfriends he wants to marry them but he maned up to me and said yes he has told his exs that he would marry them IF everything went according to plan and soon as how he is still single they never did. IDK why he still texts her but i can see the false hope it gives her. She tried to talk me into three waying him in a phone call and me listen to what he says and that after this she would leave us alone cause she couldn't "trust him" anymore and all this. He is very dependable to me cause a week and a half after my ex broke things off, and he and i started talking more and getting closer, my ex showed up at my house at 11 p.m. and I called him and my best friend. He told me even if his sister, A.K.A. my best friend, couldn't he would be at my house the next day to stay with me to protect me and make me feel safe. And he did he came and kept me calm all day long till my parents came home.
So yes i can see what you are saying it makes sense. At first it all scared me and the other day when we were messaging back and forth i was beyond calm. It was very strange that i was so calm about it. I tried calling him thinking i would do the three way to prove her wrong and couldn't contact him. she text me saying she was on the phone with him currently, well his sister told me he didn't get up till right before she went to work at around 1:30 and this ex said she was chatting with him at like 12:30 and all. I think i will discredit what she says till she comes up with cold hard evidence against him or until she comes home and tries this. He does have many female friends but i have gotten used to them messaging him but i don't like his ex messaging him. I want to tell her to stop messaging him like she said she would, if she hasn't yet, but i don't want to anger him and lose his trust. He doesn't like this game she is playing is what he has said. Thank you very much for your advice thus far.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 July 2011):
Hello again. Isn't it rather strange that she cheated on him twice - but they have never really met, so how can it really be cheating?
If they have never met, well then nor have they actually been together face to face and of course, have never made love either.
So really what you are saying here, is they have spoken over the internet skype thing and other than that, have just chatted online. But that's all.
It's never been a real relationship anyway, has it?
It seems she might be a possessive type and a bit controlling as well. She is clearly jealous of him having someone else - you - so she's just getting a bit spiteful towards him for having a girlfriend, whereas she apparently does not have anyone herself. That's all it is by the look of it.
This is really all I could put it down to.
I wouldn't be too concerned if I were you, because other than words and making up stuff to get back at him, she is not creating any real damage. She's not even in the same town! She's doing this from a distance.
I don't know what she hopes to achieve by doing this, but it's more than likely a storm in a teacup.
I honestly believe that she's jealous about him having someone, when she doesn't. She has no control over him because of the distance anyway, so her only so-called weapon is words and telling tales that she knows will get back to you, that simply aren't true. In the hope that you'll believe those lies and leave him.
I'd believe him over her any day. She's jealous because she knows that she will never get to meet him in person now because he's with you.
So do trust him, despite these lies which you are pretty sure are lies, and continue to trust him completely unless he does start doing some questionable things and being what seems to you, to be obviously dishonest.
If he continues to treat you with respect and dignity and is where he says he is going to be, well then that is a man who you can genuinely trust.
Being that he never does anything that seems not quite right to you, and he seems to be reliable and dependable, I really don't think there's too much to worry about.
This lady might be one of those people, who just can't accept "No" for an answer - that something is over. It certainly seems that way to me.
Because what she is effectively doing, is a type of stalking him. Perhaps it's not in an aggressive way so much, because she's not excactly on his doorstep, but she is doing this by whatever form she contacts him now. It was texting didn't you say?
Perhaps when he does text her, he's probably trying to tell her that he has someone now and to leave him alone, but if that's his intention, well he's doing more harm than good. Because it's giving her false hope each time he contacts her, so she still believes she has a chance with him.
Can you see that?
His best course of action now, would be to not contact her at all - neither text messages or phone calls. If she calls him, he could get someone else in his house to answer it and say he's out. And if she texts him, he could simply delete it and certainly don't reply to it.
If he avoids contact by her, surely over a couple of weeks to about a month or two, she will eventually get the idea that he really doesn't want to be with her, and that it's over. The penny has to drop in the end.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom what he has told me is that he never even met her face to face. They talked on skype and stuff while he was away and found out that she had lived here in our home town but moved out of state. He has never met her and she is doing this. I'm so lost it is unreal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to him and he is very adamant that he isn't cheating, as is his sister who is my best friend. This ex of his lives 170 some odd miles away and I don't understand why she would say this stuff. I am here with him and she isn't so why would he waste time and effort to cheat on me with a girl so far way that he can't even see? She cheated on him twice while he was away from home with the military. He told me he did intend to marry her until she cheated and he left, and he doesn't know why he still talks to her. I just don't get any of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 July 2011):
Hi there. If she is his ex, then why are they still in contact now?
Normally, when a relationship is over - it's over. It's either on or it's off.
Perhaps they are still friends, but just the same I'd be a bit wary. More of her, than him.
It seems like his ex just won't let go of him.
To him it's off, but to his ex, maybe she doesn't think so.
It's already causing you problems, by putting some doubt into your mind. You don't need that nonsense.
It does sound like his ex is trying to go back with him, and this is her way of doing it. Saying things that aren't true, making out he's still dating her while he's with you.
You are going to have tell him of these doubts his ex is causing you. And you're going to have to be very clear to him, about exactly how you feel about the whole thing.
These negative feelings can't be allowed to continue without him taking some kind of action to resolve things.
If it continues and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it, well then you might have to reconsider your future with him.
But before you do make any kind of decision, you first have to have a serious talk with him about it. Sooner rather than later.
Don't delay it any longer.
...............................
|
