A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i'm in a relationship of 8 years, and in the end we don't sleep with each other, or ever kiss or hug, i dont want to kiss her. I have one child and i think that i'm in it for her, so i can look after her. Our relationship has been dead for years, so should i leave or should i stay? I don't no what to do for the childs sake, i don't love her. Can you tell me what to do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 If you don't love her and want out ,
you can talk to her about a divorce and settle the question of
who should have custody of the child.
You need to settle amicably with her for the terms of the separations .
Talk to her . Give and take some.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): It's sad to hear that things are so bad for you and it's clear that you feel trapped because you care for your daughter. However, no matter how much pain the relationship is currently causing, how will that compare to the pain of no longer having your daughter in your life for at least 50% of the time. With that in mind, you need to decide if there is any chance you can resolve the issues with your partner. Have you truly reflected on how your actions may have impacted things.? Have you tried to discuss where you are at and how you got there.? There is no guarantee that you will, or even should stay together, but for everyone's sake the issues need to be discussed. Walking out without explanation and clarity will sour your future relationship with your partner which will have a knock on effect on your daughter. Take time to really think about where you are together and to self relfect on your responsibility for that. Acknowledge your part in this and say you want to work things through, whatever the outcome. It is unfair on all concerned not to discuss the issue since you are clearly so close to the point of departure. Discussing it may lead to understanding and acceptance or may even lead to a real desire to work it out together. But to get there you need to acknowledge the problems together and to take action. You aren't responsible for your partner, only yourself. If you walk away without even trying then you risk your daughters happiness. Is that something you are willing to risk. Only walk once you recognise that there is no future in the relationship.It may be that you have already taken this path and still feel the need to go. If so then, again, you need to talk this through as your daughter will be caught up in it. You certainly should not stay together just for daughter, but her welfare is paramount.
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A
female
reader, anon777  +, writes (19 May 2008):
This is a sad story, my advice is if your not happy with her then leave. If you and your girlfriend don't love each other your child will be able to pick up on it, it would probarly be the best thing for your kid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I have been with my partner for around 8 years - and our relationship has shifted, grown, changed...and needed hard work and committment over that time. There are many things my partner does that drive me crazy, and vice-versa, but at the core of things is a love that is based on what we admire about each other as individuals.
As a woman I can say that I would HATE to think my partner felt "dead" in our relationship, or had no feelings for me. I would rather he leave and give me the chance to move on and find someone who would love and value me and bring joy into my life.
Has it ever occured that perhaps your wife is so emotionally distraught at what she sees and feels is happening in your relationship that she has completely withdrawn? She would know on some level that you have left her already...and maybe she too is doing nothing because of fear or for your child's sake.
You loved her once - you owe her more than staying for the sake of your child only. She may hurt - but in the end she will probably find herself and blossom once you let her go!
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 It kind of sounds like you know what you want/need to do - and that asking on this site is to "get permission" perhaps?
Does your wife know you feel like this and have been considering leaving? Have you asked her how she feels about you / the marriage?
Have you really thought hard about what it is that is causing you to feel so distant from someone you obviously once loved very much - enough to marry and have a child with? I know relationships are hard work...but are you sure there is nothing left to salvage with your wife? Have you stopped seeing the "good" things and emphasized all the negative? Have you both tried to make positive changes?
These are the types of things you need to think about - and maybe even talk through with a professional.
If you do that and still feel your r'ship w your wife is "dead" - then you can work WITH her to seperate in a way that will be most positive for your daughter. She can still have two loving parents who want what's best for her -but who don't live with each other.
It's a very hard position you're in - but even if you have to make some choices you know will cause all of you pain in the short term...you have some control over what will happen/how you do things and hopefully things may turn out to be better for each of you in the long term.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (19 May 2008):
It kind of sounds like you know what you want/need to do - and that asking on this site is to "get permission" perhaps?
Does your wife know you feel like this and have been considering leaving? Have you asked her how she feels about you / the marriage?
Have you really thought hard about what it is that is causing you to feel so distant from someone you obviously once loved very much - enough to marry and have a child with? I know relationships are hard work...but are you sure there is nothing left to salvage with your wife? Have you stopped seeing the "good" things and emphasized all the negative? Have you both tried to make positive changes?
These are the types of things you need to think about - and maybe even talk through with a professional.
If you do that and still feel your r'ship w your wife is "dead" - then you can work WITH her to seperate in a way that will be most positive for your daughter. She can still have two loving parents who want what's best for her -but who don't live with each other.
It's a very hard position you're in - but even if you have to make some choices you know will cause all of you pain in the short term...you have some control over what will happen/how you do things and hopefully things may turn out to be better for each of you in the long term.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 If the only reason you are staying is for the child you should get out of the marriage. Your daughter will grow up watching an unhealthy marriage and it will affect her without anyone even knowing it. She may grow up not showing affection to her partner because that is what she saw. Children can tell when something is wrong with their parents. And I know you are thinking of your child but I think everyone would be happiest if you and your wife seperated. I know it is hard and a serious move, but it is harder being with someone you don't love. And it sounds like you are very over this relationship from what you said. When your daughter is older (I have no idea of her age) you can really explain what happened and why the marriage needed to end. You can still see her. This is just my advice though, do what you feel is right for you. Good luck with everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is very serious. You need to talk to your partner and tell her how you feel. I'm so sorry, she must be feeling just as terrible as you. You both need to be very strong because you need to sort this thing out. Be brave, strong, honest with your partner, because no matter whether you stay or go you need to stay friendly or at least polite because you have child together.
I can't tell you what to do, I'm not you, I don't know what your capable of, I don't know what your feeling. I also have no ideas about your legal system or the laws of your country, regarding access to your child. You present as a man under 30 from Ireland, you will find many difficulties if you split up from your partner of eight years. Financially you will have to support both households, whilst your partner makes other arrangements. You will have to support your child untill she comes of age, and will see her a lot less, you will have to move out of the family home and begin to see yourself as a seperate entity.
Emotionally you, and your partner will be in turmoil, and probably hurting at how you let things get so bad. You'll have regrets and probably regret your decision 100 times. It'll be difficult with both your families and friends, and people may blame you if your the one to leave. You'll miss her, you'll miss your child.
Your 30 years old, what happens if you stay. I don't know the age of your child, but can you live say another 10- 15 years like this. Watching your youth go by, cheating on your wife, she cheating on you, your kid in the middle watching it all, thinking that in normal family life people sleep apart. It's not right. You've got to say something to your partner.
Ask your partner "How come we don't sleep together, how come we don't kiss, how long we gonna live like this." Speak to her as a calm adult, you need to do this together. You need to talk about what your going to do. Are you sure you no longer love her, is there no way you can save this relationship and try to heal things? Could you do or say anything to make it better. Think about this very carefully and then discuss it with your partner.
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