A
female
age
36-40,
*rettypumpkin
writes:I have been in a 2 year relationship. Three months after becoming an official couple my bf found out his ex was 7 months pregnant 7 months since they had broken up. He was pretty sure it was not his child and he says his ex had not spoken to him about it but once he saw her and they discussed it she said she did not know even she is already the mother of a 2 yr old. Since the baby has been born a yr and a half she had not tried to get him to see the baby or get a dna test. My bf lost his job right before the baby was born and he also has a 4 yr old with his ex wife. He has had jobs for 4 maybe 5 months at a time but nothing sticks! I have always had a job until recently I was laid off and ive been carrying us financially because child support for his oldest child takes up most of any money he makes even unemployment. The worst part we never see her bc the mom has resent against him. On top of it we live rent free with my parents who despise the fact he doesnt hav a job but dnt want to throw us out on the street. Now the second childs mom is trying to get child support but my unemployment is the only thing we survive on so I cnt even save to help my mom pay any bills. All in all hes a great guy I mean a really good guy who has made some mistakes which I have to.being young and dumb. Hes trying so hard to get a job and make enoigh to take care of me and his girls but even wen he gets a job this baby mamas file more child support and then wen hes late to work bc he had no gas bc child support took more then he gets fired and back to swuare one. These women dnt care that hes trying all they care is that hes with me and not them. We are trying to get ourselves together but none of that matters. I see how these women are ruining his life and using the kids to do it which is y I dnt want to leave him but I can barely take care of myself and now I feel like such a bum jobless in my parents house with my boyfriend with 2 kids. I feel so depressed sometimes...i guess im asking for insight or even wats a girl to do?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 October 2013):
Hi. Deep down inside of you, you probably think the same way as your mother does, but in your case, your emotions are preventing you from seeing things in that way.
Your emotions are clouding your judgement.
As it honestly, doesn't seem this is going to change for many years to come - the child support payments - it might be wiser to end it, while you can, and before you get too tied up in it.
One child might not have been too much of a financial burden - but TWO?
Plus, the fact he hasn't got paid work at the moment, just exacerbates things tremendously.
Child support probably pans out to thousands of dollars a year - per child.
It is going to be an emotional roller coaster for you, for as long as he has to support those 2 children.
The problem isn't going away.
And this WILL NOT change, and it is something you have no control over, whatsoever.
And so all you can do, is to accept it as a fact of life.
And then to think about how you REALLY feel about it, in your heart of hearts.
It doesn't make you happy, does it?
Because, if it wasn't an issue for you, you wouldn't have written to us here at Dear Cupid, asking for advice.
So clearly, it is a BIG issue for you, as far as the relationship is concerned.
We can't tell you what to do, this is something you have to seriously think about and what it means for you.
Even if you both decided you wanted to get serious with your own relationship in future, he couldn't afford to support you if you had his children, when he is still supporting these other 2 children of his now.
He is in a pickle.
In the end, what really matters is the harsh reality of his situation, and the impact it has on his relationship with you.
And the impact is NEGATIVE.
A
female
reader, Prettypumpkin +, writes (23 October 2013):
Prettypumpkin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankx again for all of your comments! I know its not my responsibility to support him and believe me nor do I want to! Its jus hard understanding the situation and know that wat I signed up for has changed so much...i dnt know how to feel.about this new little girl and her mom just from hearing about her i dnt kno wat to expect... As a.woman should I tell my best friend that its not working out not because of how u treat me but bc I cnt deal with yur situation? If I tell my mom about the second kid shes gonna wana kick him out bc how is he gonna take care of two kids and me, bc if he cnt help me then y are we together ?for all of that I might as well be alone! Im so confused at wat to do...what would you all do if you wer in my position...honestly?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (20 October 2013):
Hi. Well, no matter what, it IS NOT your responsibility to support him.
Even though you like or love him, it still isn't up to you.
This situation isn't going to change any time soon, so that is something you have to accept.
I guess you really have to ask yourself what you hope to achieve from all of this.
You obviously feel a strong desire to help him, but you are finding it hard to support yourself, let alone him as well.
It has to be putting an enormous pressure on your relationship.
And a shortage of money will always do that.
I think the mother of his daughter is becoming slightly jealous of him having you in his life, and this is why she has filed for child support.
Prior to him meeting you, they probably just had some arrangement between them of a certain amount of money paid to her each week.
And that was probably much less than the child support agency requires him to pay, so he was financially better off then.
The mother of his daughter might still have designs of getting back with him, otherwise why would she act like this?
Or if she doesn't want to get back with him, perhaps she is jealous that he has already moved on with his life and has someone - whereas she might not.
She might be feeling a little bitter.
Another option, would be that when he is able to see his daughter, that you are not there on that day.
So the less often his daughter sees you, well then she won't mention you, will she?
It's a possibility.
And then his ex will assume it might be over, with you and him.
And so she may in a few weeks or months, reverse the decision with child support, and go back to what it was before he met you.
Perhaps you could talk this over with him, and see what he says.
It might save him a lot of money.
He probably needs to come to a similar arrangement with the other woman and the latest baby of his, and cut out the child support agency payments altogether.
If he could simply pay out a set amount - on a verbal agreement between him and each of his 2 children's mothers - it will be much easier for him to live.
He will have to call around to the second woman and see her personally, to sit down and chat about it.
And in each case, it would be wise for him to not mention he is with someone (you), so they can come to a suitable agreement.
And a suitable agreement with visiting rights.
A lot of things can be settled with good, clear communication.
And this is no exception.
It has to be a win-win for all concerned, and then he really can't go wrong.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Wow you have lots to say. In the meantime between job hunting you can do babysitting, dog walking, tutoring while he could do odd jobs. Teaching ESL through Skype is popular too. International people pay $15 an hour just to talk to a regular person in English.
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A
female
reader, Prettypumpkin +, writes (19 October 2013):
Prettypumpkin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. I appreciate reading all of them. In the beginning when we met everything was great, he was very responsible and had a great job. he took care of myself and his daughter even bought me a car to get to work on time. once his daughter started saying my name a lot her mom called and said she speaks of me more than she even talks about her dad literally the next day she filed for child support. Even though they have had a system before I came in the picture she now wants to get more money. he abides by the amount and she has no job even though the judge told her she has to help support the child as well. before when she was getting hundreds we saw his daughter all the time but once he lost the job and asked to go back to paying the original amount until he gets a new job she said no. we went to court and she did not show up all three times. The 3rd time the judge said he cannot do anything about it because even though they ask her to she doesn't submit any of her and her new husbands earnings. so while hes been unemployed they take that. we literally havnt seen his daughter for a year even though he continues to pay child support. the second childs DNA test came back that its his kid, his ex waited until she realized it wasn't for the guy she had cheated on him with which is y she ddnt show up until a year and a half after the kid is born. The worst part is I cnt even bring myself to tell my parents of his new child because I know how they will react. hes already living here and cnt see his oldest and now the new woman after not wanting anything to do with him now that the baby is his she wants him to come over and spend family time with her and her daughter from her previous marriage and their daughter. he obviously doesn't want to and even though I dnt want him to I refuse to have your daughters in my parents home when im the one paying for groceries or gas to get them. I dnt know what to feel or how to feel about any of this. I have thought about asking his family but his mom has stage 4 breast cancer and lives in a group home and he recently met his dad and while he cnt help him financially he did get him a great job as an electrician apprentice but due to the process it doesn't start for another 9 months. he does everything around the house from taking out the trash to going grocery shopping for my mom or picking her up from work cooking cleaning. he does more around the house than probably I do which is why my parents have such sympathy for him. every morning hes up trying to find a job whether its out and about or online. I have never known him to be lazy and if it was lazy It wouldn't be such a hard decision. when u make $70 every 2 weeks on unemployment because of taxes and the amount of child support cnt be adjusted because you cnt pay for a lawyer and judges wont do it if she doesn't show up you would be surprised how often you can run out of gas in two weeks and not to mention its $10 a day on public transportation. because he was so wonderful to me I would feel like such shit to kick him out knowing he has nowhere to go which is probably the same sympathy my parents feel. I feel so torn in what I know I should do and what my heart wants. everytime I look back at 2 years I feel disappointed that im still at home job hunting with him and to tell my parents he fathered a child with his ex before we got together and had no idea.im so stressed thinking about my future and to think of all this... I just dnt know what to do!!!!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It is always tough to start a relationship with a man who has a lot of unsettled baggage.
First off, his children's mothers will ALWAYS be in his life. From the sounds of it, they will always have a choke hold on any finances that he makes. Whether deservedly so, he does have an obligation to support his offspring and usually the law indicates that he pays a certain amount. If he is currently unemployed he may have to go visit a judge to get it adjusted to his new income levels. This may require him to get a lawyer. But children from multiple women are extremely costly!
Secondly: are you ready to be a stepmom? A lot of people don't think of everything it entails and most people aren't cut out for it. You will have to deal with his exes, his children (who will likely never see you as a true mom), and any finances he makes for the next 18 years will be immediately sent to his children.
Thirdly, given your boyfriend's history of getting girls pregnant (whether planned or not) and leaving the wreckage behind, are you truly sure this is the best man you can get?
If employment is going to be a problem, whether his fault or not, and a good portion of his check is going to go to his exes, will he be able to help provide a future that you envision for yourself?
Sadly I think given his recent history -- with the dust still settling -- this is par for the course. As with any dating process, this may be time for you to really consider what sort of life you want for yourself AND what sort of life your man can provide.
Finally, what do you suppose will happen to you if you became pregnant and things didn't work out?
There are no easy answers here, unfortunately but I think it is time for you to really look at your boyfriend with your mind, and not your heart.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2013):
Hi there. What really matters is what your gut feeling is telling you about all this.
It is a really tough situation to be in, that's for sure.
There is going to be child support payments required of him until both girls reach 16 years of age.
So that will be a mighty lot of money.
It's a good thing at least, that you are living with your parents, and so you are being at least partly supported by them financially.
So in that respect, things could certainly be worse.
Perhaps what you all need to do - your parents included - is sit down together, and talk about what are yours and his best options, to get ahead of things in this situation.
Because no matter what, the child support payments are not going to cease for at least another 15 years.
So that isn't going to change at all.
Perhaps your boyfriend could seek out a solicitor to get some legal advice here, so he doesn't get ripped off by the system.
And many fathers do get ripped off.
Your parents might be able to assist him with the costs involved in the hiring of a solicitor specializing in family law matters.
It could be well worth the money.
Otherwise, it's going to be extremely difficult for him to live and to support himself.
It needs to be done fairly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Before he pays child support for the new claimant on his money he should get a DNA test to find out if he is the father.
If he is the father to these children then he will need to find a way to contribute financially. Sorry if he can't stick in a job for more than 5 months, that sounds like he has some issues that may need to be dealt with.
He may have made some mistakes being young and dumb. Does that mean that people who are old and wise should pay his bills for him?
How is he trying to get it together?
Do you have a child with him?
Does he have parents? Why isn't he living with them while he sorts out his life?
Does he need job training? Retraining? Does he have a criminal record that is preventing him from getting a job?
He can't have lost every job because he ran out of gas. That happened once, twice at most. If it keeps happening then he is a slow learner, sorry.
These women aren't trying to ruin his life, they are trying to make sure that the lives he created with them, HIS children, have a life too.
So he needs to get his act together and find a way to keep a job, even if he doesn't have gas money to get there on time.
The second child's mom will need to get DNA proof that he is the father, before she can get child support. Unless he's admitted it somewhere?
I'm sorry, this guy sounds like someone who is avoiding his responsibilities. He created at least one child, he needs to find a way to step up and provide for that child. If the second child isn't his, then he needs to prove that so he's not on the hook for child support there too.
I think you have taken on a real burden here, your parents are very kind to help you both. So be sure that your finances are not entangled with his and you are not the one supporting his child/children…
You live rent free with your parents. Are you looking for work too? Maybe you could move in with his parents? After all, they are the grandparents to his child/children?
Is he helping around your parents' house? Mowing the grass? Cleaning the house? Cleaning the kitchen? Cooking? Shopping?
If he has a mobile phone, time to cut back and end the data plan. If he can't afford to put gas in the car, time to change the car to a smaller/cheaper one or take the bus. Time to sell what he owns in order to jumpstart his future. He's not paying rent or utilities or anything like that so he's ahead of the curve in that, thanks to your parents.
Sorry, he has a child, possibly 2 children. He has to find a way to step up and provide for them. It's just part of parenthood…. :/ Just as your parents have stepped up and provided for you and still are…
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