A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My son, who is 5 years old, has started asking about his dad, and wants to see him.Thing is when the relationship ended, it ended really really badly. He hasn't seen his son for a long time, when he left he made the decision to walk out on me AND our son. He was really horrible too, violent etc. I ended up with no friend, homeless and alone. I have rebuilt our lives.Now my son is asking questions....I don't know what I should do, he is only 5.Any advice on how to deal with this please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): You said daddy was horrible and violent, who is to say he won't be horrible and violent to your child??? I think you should leave the ball in his court. If he wants to know then he will come find you, he'll make the effort otherwise you are risking him leaving again.Kids are tougher than you think and have a way of accepting situations as they are (more than adults). Just tell your child is basis terms why he doesn't know his dad and leave it at that. If that not enough, tell your child that when he turns 16 you will go meet his dad together but right now is not the right time.I don't think he wants his dad. I just think your son is trying to understand why he doesn't have a dad hence the questions. He may see his friends with dad and wonder why he is different. But if his dad is a violent dad then he is certainly better off without him. The longer his dad is out of his life the better. Remember once you make connect you can't change it and a decision a five year old makes may not be the same one he would make at 15 or 25 etc. He can run away from his dad once he is in his life unless you can prove ill treatment, do you want to be in a position to have to prove ill treatment when right now your son happy but just wondering why he's different?
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 You should leave things as they are. Children like the idea of having a dad, have curiosities, but in real life I have seen them acting scared when they see dads pop up in their lives because they feel like strangers. It's very confusing to them. If the dads are strangers anyways let them continue to be. Children can't understand why it's like this. I believe if the dads can't be with children even a small portion of their lives, it's not worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll really good advice, thank you.
I have got a contact number for him.
Do I use it, because he is asking about his dad, or do I just leave things as they are?
My problem isn't letting them have contact, but will his dad disappear again, leaving my son devastated?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Like Janniepeg said, I would make the explanation short and to the point, nothing about the relationship or him as a person.
Kids don't need long or complex explanations, just try and avoid lies, glorifying him or/and talking smack (even if the dad deserves it).
And telling your child that you actually don't know why he isn't around for him isn't a lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): I'm one parent too with no daddy in picture for my child. What i thought of doing was showing my child that every family is different. Some people have a mummy and a daddy. Some just have a daddy. Others a mummy. Some have two daddies or two mummies. Some are raised by an aunts/uncles or grandparents. Some never know their family. Some families have lots of children, some families have none. But in your family its special because its just you and your child, feel free to add any relatives you have too.When my child asks about his dad i'll simply tell her that her daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy. That he got scared. That daddy did the best thing he could by leaving her with the best mummy in the world :D
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I really like Janniepeg's answer. Not much more to add to it, but I wanted to reiterate her point - the information is age appropriate and tailored to his question.
Your ex was violent and abusive? Was that to you, or what? Does he have an arrest record? Does he not pay child support? Do you know where he is?
Another reason I like Jannie's answer is that it's not a lie. Resist the urge to lie, but you don't have to go into the sordid breakup and that he abandoned him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 October 2013):
My son is now 8 and has never seen his father since 3 years old. What I told him was that not all the mothers and fathers live together, and he's somewhere doing his own business. He didn't push for more answers and accepted that's the life he will have, which is just me and him. When he goes to school and learned that other kids have much bigger families I just tell him what we have is good because he gets all my attention and our life is quiet and peaceful. What's more important is that you feel positive about your life. A happy mom is a happy son.
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