A
male
age
41-50,
TimmD
writes:First, let me start off by saying that online dating is not a bad thing. In todays age of technology and the internet, I think online dating is just as good if not better than simply meeting someone at a bar, pub or nightclub. When you meet someone in one of those bars or nightclubs, you are more inclined to focus more on physical looks more than anything else. Couple that with alcohol and it just doesn't seem like the ideal setting to meet someone, though it's been done like that for years. More and more online dating sites will attempt to match you with people of similar interests and also provide you with an opportunity to have a low pressure conversation, thus allowing you to be more honest and open. I'm not writing this to compare the different ways to meet a potential partner, I'm simply giving my opinions on online dating as a background to the following story. And most importantly, I don't want to discourage anybody from online dating, I just want everyone to be cautious.This story takes place around 4 years ago. I've told this story a few times but never fully documented anything so while everything that I tell you is true... some of the specifics have gotten blurred throughout these last couple of years. For the record, I am happily married now.... this takes place before I met my wife.I'd like to be one of those people that tells you I was "fed up with the dating scene" or something similar as a reason for why I decided to try online dating, but it really wasn't for any other reason than to try something new. When it comes to computers, lets just say I know my way around them pretty well. I'm on them a lot every day so I figured why not see if I can meet anyone. So I went ahead and joined a dating site. Within a few days emails arrived showing that I had messages waiting for me from other people on that site. I checked the profiles and all seemed legitimate, meaning each had a picture that didn't look like a "glamour" shot or something copy and pasted from another website and the interests seemed pretty specific and unique. After chatting and messaging back and forth with a few people I noticed some of those messages were getting odd. A person that was supposedly from near my location in the US was now "visiting overseas". I'm sure after you hear the story being told you're going to think to yourself "Well duh! Who would believe that?" but just bare with me. The story I got was that this "girl" was from a local city here in the US but was visiting a country overseas with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend ended up ditching her out there and she had no money and no way to make it home. She was looking for somebody to help her get home. Keep in mind this wasn't the first message sent to me, this was after a couple back and forth early "hello" messages. I know enough not to send ANYBODY money so knowing this was a scam I just deleted the messages and any future ones.Before long, other messages from different "people" were being sent to me. The interesting thing to me is that they all started off very personal, meaning - they weren't just spam form letters being sent out. This was an actual person (or people) doing this. Each one was somewhat believable. They'd tell me where they are from, what school they went to. Some of those people messaging me even offered to IM via yahoo or msn (though most yahoo). At this point my curiosity was getting the best of me. Something weird was going on and I really wanted to find out what. If this many messages are coming through then there HAS to be people falling for this, otherwise why would they be doing it?So, being the computer guy that I am I signed up for a bunch of email addresses. (gmail, yahoo, hotmail, and even private domains that I have access to). The Yahoo and MSN came with IM'ing accounts and the others I just signed up manually so at this point I had many fake email addresses and IM accounts. I used those and signed up on about 3 popular online dating websites. All I had to do is wait and I knew the messages would start arriving. Sure enough, they did. As each message came through I'd keep track on the entire conversation. I'd be a different person each time with a different background. Each time the "girl's" story on the other end was similar, with slight differences. Each time I'd let them get very far into their story and even let on that I'd send them the money they needed. I wanted them to believe I was falling for their "pitch". I'd be having multiple conversations at one time. It was actually pretty funny. (You are all probably thinking who has time for this kind of thing? But like I said, I'm pretty good with computers and multi-tasking) I'll admit, I was more mad than anything that they were trying this so I just wanted to screw with them. I figured, if I take up their time and waste it... it takes away from them doing it to someone else. There'd be times when I KNOW I was talking to the same person so I'd start to mix up the stories on purpose. Just when they thought I was agreeing to send them the money I'd tell them I was just screwing with them and they'd get mad and delete their account. I was on a one man vigilante mission to mess with them. I wanted them to think to themselves every time they messaged a new person "Is this that nut job from the US messing with me?".But after a while, I wanted to know what the real story was. In fact, I needed to know after all of this. So I continued what I did, but instead of being malicious I was honest with them. I would tell them "Hey, I know who this is... you guys tried this on my other accounts. I'm not an idiot... tell me what the deal is with you guys". It took about a month of doing this to a few different accounts and finally one day I caught up with the correct person. It all started out the same way - "I'm a girl, I need money to get home, blah blah blah..." so I cut them short and told them I know what they're doing. This "girl" denied it saying she needed help, sticking to "her" story. We kept going back and forth for a while with them denying it and me pushing till finally they said this "Ha Ha Ha, you got me".This person went on to tell me that they were a male (big surprise) but he continued in further detail. He told me he was a college student overseas and he was hired by a company to do what he is doing on these dating websites. He didn't say he was from the US, so I assume he was just a local trying to pay his way through college. He sounded young, and I think he was more willing to talk once he saw I was a younger guy (late 20's) and had computer knowledge. Obviously I wasn't putting complete stock into what he was saying because he's been lying all of this time.... but I am reasonably sure at this point he was being honest. There seemed to be no reason for him to lie at this stage. In fact, he went on to make me an offer and to recruit me. He said they need US contacts with US addresses that they can use in money transactions. He said he didn't need any money from me, but I know for a fact they were looking for US mailboxes so that the people they scam in the US would feel more comfortable sending money to a US address instead of a Nigerian mailbox. Technically, they'd have the person send the money to my address or PO Box and I would send the money overseas minus a small fee on my end. I guess they figure if I decided to keep all of the money on the first transaction they would just stop using me, basically meaning they have more to gain in recruiting me than to lose. Which brings me to my next point. Nigeria. BIG red flag. That was something that most of those stories had in common. That is where they wanted the money sent to.Needless to say, I did not join these scam artists. I politely told him I'd let him know, only because I didn't want to completely shut that door incase I needed to use this contact further. This was right around the "Child Predator" sting operations that were being done on Dateline NBC here in the US so I emailed Dateline telling them I have a good story for them. Too bad I never got a reply email.I was lucky. I wasn't fully and emotionally invested in this online dating. I was younger and in no rush to meet someone. However, there are a lot of people out there who aren't in the same position I was. And a lot of people aren't as versed in internet communications. Sure, in hind sight this all seems very simple like "Who the heck would fall for that?" but let me tell you, these guys are good. These guys are good enough to leave even a little bit of doubt in the back of your mind wondering if there really is a girl stranded overseas. Especially when they go through the work to chat with you early on for a few days telling you about themselves. As I said, these aren't form letters or spam. These guys are talking one on one with people, getting to know them and using them. They are predators and the millions of people on those dating websites are the prey.How do you protect yourself? There is no right or wrong way to do this, but my opinion is - do NOT trust anybody at first. It sounds simple, but when dating you automatically want to give people the benefit of the doubt. You're looking for love, so why wouldn't you? You can't. You can be open and you can WANT to trust them, but be cautious. There's an old saying, if something seems to good to be true it usually is. Next, remember Nigeria. As I said, a big red flag. They'll make up a story telling you that's the closest hub for sending money and believe me, they'll make it believable. And finally, remember that nobody legitimate will be asking you for money, gifts, or anything like that. They won't be asking you to visit them. A person looking for love online is just as nervous as you, and they will have just as many doubts. Don't get pressured into doing something you don't want to "just for love".Meeting somebody online isn't bad. More and more people are finding partners and getting married from dating websites. It's not something to be ashamed about or worried about. However, you do have to be cautious. Just as you should be about meeting a strange guy in a bar or nightclub. Should a woman go back to this strange man's house shortly after meeting him? No. The same thing applies to online dating. Talk, chat, make conversation. Get a feel for each other. Get to KNOW each other first. In my opinion, it should take time before you actually meet with someone. And when you do, do so in a public place. Protecting yourself is your #1 priority. Anybody trying really really hard to get something from you is bad news.Dear Cupid has many examples of how love and emotion can override even the most basic common sense. These predators who frequent online dating websites are professionals at manipulating love and emotion. All I can say is be cautious. As I mentioned earlier... they wouldn't be doing this if they haven't been successful in the past. I'm on Dear Cupid often so if you are caught up in an online romance that you have doubts about, feel free to message me or post your story about in on the site. I'll be happy to give you a more objective opinion on your situation and let you know if I feel it's something you should be worried about or if it sounds legitimate. Also, there are countless other people on here willing to help out and give their opinion as well.And as a final note I'd just like to say that while I got a lot of messages from those scammers, there were some legitimate people who also messaged me. If I had to give a statistic I'd say 8 out of 10 were legitimate. That doesn't sound like much, but if you have 100 people message you.... 20 are scammers. That's not a scientifically proven number, it's just a guestimate from memory. There were a lot. Also, I can't speak from a woman's point of view. I'm a male, and was in search of a female so they preyed upon me accordingly. I don't know if things are different for women. I'm assuming it would be a different story but with the same intent. Age would probably play a factor too. I'm sure there are predators trying to scam widows and widowers, taking advantage of them. If anybody has a story similar to this, please tell us about it. This is still an interest of mine, meaning I'd like to keep track of this so we can help protect others in the future.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (1 September 2010):
TimmD is verified as being by the original poster of the question If enough telemarketers targeted me, then I might start tracing their calls. lol Or at least waste their time too.
Believe me, I was just as surprised as you are with the amount of attention to detail these guys pay. But to them, it's just fun. I didn't get deep enough to know if it's one of those "work out of your home or college dorm" kind of job, or if they're working out of a big office. Once thing is for sure, they are not bothered by any authorities wherever they are.
Glad I could keep your attention Jmtmj.
As a side note, I've read news reports of similar types of scamming. One specifically was a piece about women who get hooked up with "men" in online relationships. I believe this was more of a domestic story with everything occurring here in the US. These men would find women who after enough time are willing to send them almost whatever they ask for, money, gifts, etc. When it comes to finding love, people don't always see things logically and objectively. And in fact, we are all guilty of that.
And Ask oldersister - thank you for the kind words. As usually, your opinion is always appreciated.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Its not often that my ADD lets me finish reading 1500 words without getting bored and wandering off, so good article :)
I've never heard of people putting in significant amounts of time to actually chat with and gain the trust of individuals... Interesting... I figured it was all done via mass emails, which I find more amusing than annoying... like when I open my junk mail box and see all the fake names I've given to websites over the years used in the email titles...
Mr Max Power, would you like to grow your penis 4 inches?? Dr Ejgiowudhjf you have WON a NEW CAR!!
Sfdsjiog Agjoidsodf THIS IS NOT JUNK MAIL!!
*followed by another 300 similar messages*
But you are right, its pretty disgusting... not saying that online daters are losers, but when somebody does hit rock bottom, (which can happen to the best of us), is depressed, lonely, has nearly given up all hope of ever finding a partner or losing their virginity... online dating is what they're most likely to turn to as their last resort.
It's a good bet that the utterly disenchanted are the scammers targets of choice as they're the ones most likely to cling to every interaction and get swept up in the damsel in distress story that you say they use.
Of all the times for a fella to get kicked when he's down... cold.
Just out of curiosity... You don't happen to trace telemarketers calls and phone them at home at 3am do you?
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (31 August 2010):
TimmD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for being honest about your experience. I want to make it clear to everyone else out there that these guys are very good at what they do. If you do fall victim, you should never blame yourself. They are extremely believable.
And the worst thing is, when you are a victim like Myau and you realize what has happened.... you not only lose money, but you lose a love you thought you had. From there, your trust is shaken and you worry about whether or not you can trust anybody in the future.
Myau, these guys are heartless people. They preyed on you because you have a good heart. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody makes mistakes, we just have to learn from them for the future. This is a good first step to educating everyone and helping others protect themselves in the future.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Thank you for writing this.
Im afraid i have to admit that I have been scammed out of money this way.
The situation was simple, I was lonely and just wanted to meet a girl, she sounded to good to be true, but I was lonely as i have said and thus continued on.
I luckily found by accident a site called "popular scams". It had a section that was for testing scams out, so i entered some of the mails, and bingo..... sadly i had already sent money so I was already done.
This contributed to me falling into depression that im still not over.
What really bothers me is that they are still doing this and there is nothing i can really do to help anyone else avoid the situation.
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